Wow.

Ok, so I have been doing extremely well with my healthiness. I started reading about the heart and that REALLY helped me be more aware of what I was eating. Im still fat but Im happy to report a 10 pound weight loss. I think it could be more but I am not exercising at all. LOL I just love that now I am eating to live and not living to eat. I still have a ways to go but...Im thankful Im doing as well as I am. I snack on yogurt and make sure to eat breakfast and a light dinner. I just need to add exercise.

I have been eating healthy for the past two days but no exercise. Ive been practicing this mantra: A moment on the lips is a month on the hips. I am still in the sick phase, with some congestion and runny nose, but my throat is almost ALL better!! :) Yay! am going to start taking some more pictures of my weight loss attempts so you guys can feel like youre here, sweating it out with me. I have a digital camera but the battery is ALWAYS dying so I have to wait til Thursday to go and get one. Man, do I miss the days of Best Buy being 10 minutes away.

So...I have this confession to make: I have a crush. Yes, thats right, I am NOT single but yet I have a crush. And its so weird because this crush has given me all this inspiration all of a sudden that I didnt know I was capable of having. He has the biggest baby doll face. So cute!! Seldom does anything inspire a change in lifestyle than a new love interest. Im not saying its anything I would EVER pursue, skinny or not, but still, its nice to have some sort of your being jolted awake all of a sudden. A nice change of pace, and its like taking a fresh breath for the first time ever.

Work again today. Boo. Hopefully itll be like last night though, where it went super fast.

Freshening up.

So, it was confirmed yesterday that I do indeed have strep throat. I know this is horrible to say, but THANK GOD! I was in SO Much pain and to know that the pain had a name and a cure was just awesome to me. My doctor immediately called in some antibiotics to the pharmacy and I ran right over to pick it up, but they had called it into the wrong pharmacy which I was told, "happens all the time" and so I traveled to the next pharmacy and picked it up. I wont say it gave me immediate relief but man...Im doing better. I heard it best described as "swallowing broken glass." and I couldnt agree more. I cant decide if I am going to work tomorrow but my boss has yet to call me back. Ok I just called her again and she thinks I should be ok. I dont feel ok but oh well. I need the money.

So for the past two weeks, I have signed myself up with a counselor because I realized I need help. I wasnt going to but you know what, I have the insurance and I felt like I should do it "for all the people out there" who dont have insurance and cant afford to see a counselor. My mind feels mentally better day by day since seeing her, she is amazing and I cannot believe I got so lucky with clicking with someone on the first visit so that I felt comfortable enough to make another appointment. I had my last appointment yesterday and I just love her. She talks to me like I am a person, not a patient. I so appreciate her. I told her that as of right now, I do not want medication but I am afraid it may lean that way to do eventually because my mind doesnt rest even when Im exhausted lol but I want to just get my life together. I need a plan and she is going to help me with that. I feel more confident now that I am going to "get there" as soon as I figure out exactly where "there" is.

Ok so I have comcast cable and on demand and I watch the kids version of the Biggest Loser which still has Kim and the hot trainer guy, and those kids get out there and jog and Im like, if they can do it, why cant I? They just jog and live through the pain. No one wants to jog with me and I was going to let that just determine my whole jogging urge, but I need to be more independent. I have to stop worrying about what other people think. I mean, sometimes when I post and get no replies I get so discouraged from posting again and I realized today, that has to stop. I am not posting for anyone but myself. My only excuse for the not jogging is because I live in a somewhat, ok, very bad neighborhood. LOL I dont want to get shot or raped while I am jogging!!

Anyways, I have allot of head pain. So I am going to rest.

Sweeping up.

Im not where I want to be weight wise, but Im so excited for my golden birthday next month. 26! Wow! Im just so determined to not be negative on myself for being plus sized. Who cares, already!? Its partay time!

My boyfriend has lost 18 pounds in ONE month. This amazes me. He gets his butt up at 9 am every morning to do an hour workout on the elliptical, completely gave up fast food and sugars and snacks on healthy stuff. He was never really overweight but he didnt like how he looked so he took it upon himself and he looks good. THAT is motivation.

Ive been sick for the last week, with what feels like laryngitis and an ear infection but the doctor only gave me samples of allergy pills and told me to buy some nasal spray for the ear pain. Yep. Call it paranoia, but I bet if I had been some knockout girl in that office, I would have gotten top notch treatment and maybe taken a bit more seriously. I didnt dress up all that nice but I was feeling really crappy and didnt feel like doing my hair all nice and dressing all nice. I just wanted some meds and to go home and go to bed. Then the bitch at the pharmacy was rude to me as well. She told me not to take the saline stuff and I asked if there was anything she WOULD recommend and she just shrugged and said, "I dont know." I regret not telling her to go fuck herself. Fat people are people too, dammit.

Anyways, I went ahead and bought the saline stuff and I feel slightly better. Im off tomorrow and Saturday so thatll be a nice change of things. Thats the sucky part about working in the E.R., you tend to catch everyones germs. I can only sanitize things so many times through out the day, at one point, I am going to forget. But this one girl was filling out her paperwork and I saw her stick the pen EVERYONE uses(except me, I bring my own pens.) in her mouth. I was thinking, "Man, you just got sick with who knows what." And I can just see her being sick right now as I type this and wondering WHERE she got it from. I wonder if itll ever dawn on her that she stuck a pen infected with millions of germs in her mouth. I try to sanitize the pens for the patients but like I said, I can only do it so many times.

Ok all. Peace out.

Its weird, I come on here, start a blog, and then I get discouraged and erase it.

LOTS of shit going on, not really diet wise, although I do have some pet peeves there, so I'll get start with that stuff, since this is a weight loss blog(well, its supposed to be anyways!)

Ok I dont like get how if you were to go into a store and it was divided by race, this would be illegal, yes yes? Or if it wasnt illegal there would be SOMEONE trying to change this but yet, EVERY department store made in America sections of the fat people from the rest of the world. At Kohls, they dont even have a sign that says PLUS SIZED. Its just a picture of someone heavy set and its just so offensive the way all the other clothing is organized all nicely and the plus sized clothing is just thrown onto a rack as if to say,"Youre fat, so we owe you shit!" I just get so flustered and irratated. Why is it ok to be a druggie or an alchoholic or even a friggin child molester but God forbid you not be a size 2 and the the world kind of either shuns you or forgets about you entirely?

OK. Im done.

Hello lover.

I got Xflowsion today. Im eager to try it out but I worked the E.R. today and so my legs are w.e.a.k. Its going to kick my little dupa though, should be interesting :)

I worked the E.R. on I think...Monday night? And it sucked, a guy got shot in between the eyes, the chest, and his groin area. I felt soooo horrible for him, he was making sounds ones ears and soul doesnt forget. That was my first gun shot wound sighting and I must say, I hope I never see another one. The police think its gang related but my heart still went out to everyone he knew and loved and who knew and loved him. They kept him at our E.R. for awhile but eventually transferred him out to another hospital and he was given less than a .1% chance to live. I cannot forget the sound he was making though, like a loud moaning/wheezing sound. I never saw the E.R. as dark and packed as it was that night. Every doctor in the hospital was at his bedside, helping him to fight for his life, it was so bittersweetly beautiful. And he is MY age, MY age!! I just kept thinking, wow, even if he does live, he is fucked up forever. It would probably be better if he died. Isnt that awful? I know if it were ME, I'd want to die. The sad part is that there is going to be one retaliation after another now. It sucks. But still, he made someone the happiest person on earth the day he was born.

Ok. All of you go and get you that book, YOU: On a diet! Its great! I am eating breakfast every day, because it explains how your body works and why breakfast really IS so important. (Break the fast, your body has been fasting for 8 hours while you slept, now get up and feed it, so your metabolism can get moving!)

Ranting and raving.

Wow. I just worked off 300+ calories on my elliptical. I feel awesome. I love how mentally good I feel when I exercise. Plus, I had an egg for breakfast. Eggs and toast and apple juice to be exact but thats better than eggos with syrup and butter you know?

I just have a comment or two. You know before you begin a diet or any work out program they always tell you to consult a physician first? I think thats bullshiz because I dont know about you, but most physicians today are a-holes towards the people on the higher end of the scale. Its almost a waste of time to see a doctor at all because chances are you will get treated nasty by them and their staff and go home feeling like you DO need those chips and french onion dip after all. It makes me sick. The last doctor I went to had a smile on his mouth but sarcasm in his eyes. I didnt appreciate it at all. And he wanted to do a physical on me, but there is no way I would ever let a male doctor do a physical on me. The nicest and most intelligent doctor I've ever had was Dr Derosa in Canfield, Ohio. He was awesome. You have to get to know him a little but he doesnt come across as mocking or anything, he wants to help.

Also, people, get your thyroids checked. Always.

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I went walking at this one place called The Missions today. I usually love walking, but I was terrified to walk there because well, theres mountain lions and rattlesnakes there. The sights of them are rare and few but I know me and my luck and I would downright pee my pants if I ever saw either of them and my heart rate alone would kill me anyways, because I would be so terrified. I am not a nature girl. I wish I were, but unless I have my muscular dog with me, I am scared. On the bright side though, this park had horses, and donkey and sheep and bulls and pigs so I cant imagine that if it were really THAT unsafe with the mountain lion thing, that they would put these animals there.

My feet are so sore and its sad to realize that its because of my weight. But I had a nice moment with my body today. The missions has all these houses where you can see how monks lived and this one house had a very HUGE step and I stepped on it and then back down and then back up and then back again. At that moment, I was so appreciative of my entire being. Here I am, 200 some odd pounds, and my body was working its ass off to help me get up the step and down. It hasnt given up on me. Sometimes I think my mind does, but my body is yearning to keep me going. I whispered, "Thank you" to it and realized thats the kind of body loving I need. I cant always be saying, "I hate my body." when really, I should be hating the way I treat my body. I actually love my body!

I saw pictures of myself today and its a weird feeling, I looked really fat and I felt bad but it made me want some chips and dip. Teehee.

Also, I went ahead and ordered Xflowsion. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Xflowsion xplosion.

I know that salad dressing is really bad for you but I dont care. If Im going to give up my french fries and chicken fingers with honey bbq sauce, you better serve that salad up with some 1000 island dressing. Ive learned that if I cut my calories down enough, I can have this salad. MMM and I enjoy every minute of it. My aunt once lectured me on dressing and I usually listen to what she says but there is no way she could convince me to give that up. I'll give you my chips and dip and brownies but I cannot give you my 1000 island dressing topped pretty salad, ma'am.

I am currently researching the videos Xflowsion. They are quite pricey though. I mean, 3 "easy" installments on $19.95 plus S&H and thats about $50 on ebay as well. If any of you out there have tried them, please let me know. If not, maybe I can be the guinea pig for you as well. Tee hee. Its got a catchy informational section though, and all the celebs seem to swear by it(really how realistic is that? " Xflowsion is the only workout system with Triple Training whichcombines the perfect blend of an exciting styleof yoga, body-shredding martial arts, anduplifting freestyle dance. Xflowsion’s TripleTraining can deliver jaw-dropping results ina stunningly short amount of time,regardless of your fitness level."

Also, my boyfriend lost 6 pounds in 1 week!! He has been doing awesome. No fast food, and no processed foods, really, and exercising EvErY day! I am so proud of him. He let himself eat cornbread today, even though I was trying to talk him out of it, you know, as I chomped down on my oh so healthy salad. ;)

WARNING:This next part is kind of...graphic maybe? I dont know. If you get offended easily, stop reading here. Go take that hot bath and read that good novel youve been thinking about reading. Go horseback riding. Or go have some sex.

Ok...

I had the.best.sex.ever. tonight. No seriously. I was so self conscious, yet extremely free at the same time. It was kind of funny, because my boyfriend and I were just making out at first and I said, Ok, if we go further, I am going to be uninhibited...I am NOT going to be self conscious about my body. And then my pants started to come off and I realized I was wearing, well, Reader, I was wearing granny panties. There you have it, the only thing about me that is a size 10 right now is my granny panties and that does NOT make me feel sexy.(even though they are so cute and sooo comfy, but come on! Go to walmart and check out the size 10's, open a pack if you have to and tell me you wouldnt be embarrassed about it!) And its so embarrasing because to take the panties off, it causes a bit of delay which may or may not kill the mood, but the delay is that now if youre lying on your stomach, you have to somehow make your panties take the trip over your stomach to get them off of you. This brings a whole lot of unwanted attention to the stomach and thigh and of course the embarrassing panties area. It kind of made me chuckle a little bit, but then the kisses started going elsewhere and I could hear my thoughts racing in my head..."Enjoy it! Be happy you have a boyfriend that thinks youre beautiful no matter what..." and then the other half..."Oh this gut!" and "Ew, I have a zit! Does he notice that sound is actually my fat?"(Its a horrible sound, my fat stomach slapping against his! LOL) and then the, "If he DOES notice, does it turn him on? Ew, if it does, do I really want to be with someone like this?!" The sex was still great though, despite all the voices in my head. I can only wonder what HE was thinking though. LOL

Fat sex! This should be my number one motivation to lose weight. Be healthy.

Wow. Today is interesting. I work 3-11pm and this morning my phone was ringing at 625am. I honestly thought that it would be my job asking me to come in earlier, so being the dedicated worker that I am,(cough, cough) I ignored the phone. And I cant hear that well, so I didnt know who was on the machine but I kept having this nagging feeling to go and listen to the message. So I did and I am glad that I did because it was my MOTHER telling me that my FATHER had been robbed at gunpoint yesterday. That scared the crap outta me as I am very close to my dad and I cannot imagine my life without him, or actually, without any of my family, as Im sure you guys out there can relate. I also found myself to be a little angry, like who does this man with a gun think that he is, messing with MY dad?! My mom said he was ok and that a police report was filed, but its Cleveland, and shit like that is never taken seriously over there, I dont even know why they have police. Thats how it was when I lived in Youngstown, too, the cops get pissed when you waste their time. Ugh, it makes me sick, because I used to think of cops as heros. Anyways, Im off the subject. Anyways, this guy put a gun to the back of my dads neck and kept saying that he was going to kill him. My dad is a short, hispanic man, but I dont think he fears anything. He is the type of person who just deals with stuff as life hands it to him. But all he had was $20 that his job gives him per day and there was no way that he was giving that up. This guy made the mistake of hitting my dad in the back of the head which pissed my dad off enough for him to turn around and start fighting with the guy, cursing back and forth. My dad told him, "F--k you, Im not giving you anything." and in short, my dad is safe and sound at home and the perp is out there walking the streets, as usual. My dad said what probably helped is that the kitchen door to the school was open and he was able to run in there and there were PEOPLE there so the perp left and everyone searched everywhere but no luck.(Oh yeah, in case youre wondering, my dad is a truck driver. He drives school lunches to schools every day and his days often start at 3am and he doesnt get home until about 4pm and he travels to at least Cleveland if not further. But he likes what he does, or at least it gets the bills paid, so he does it every day with no complaints. :) ) And then the police told my dad that he should have just given him the money. Im glad my dad is safe, but I do think its funny that he wasnt giving up his $20.

Ok, now that Im done with the depressing shit, Im going to work out before I go to work. Today is weight training day. I went and bought stuff last night for a salad. I hope to take a grilled chicken one to work today.

Warning: Curse words in this entry!

Hey thanks to EVERYONE for your comments, I was having the worst day in a long time today and I almost didnt even stop in but I am glad that I did. And you all make such great points and give me new ways to look at things. So thank you very much.

My heart feels broken and I dont really understand why. I can only blame it being that time of the month, and its hormonal. But I found out today that a job I applied for so long ago is royally screwed and it has made me numb but yet is making me feel pukey as well. I passed the written part of the test with flying colors, then I went back and took the polygraph test and passed that and then I had to pass the damn background investigation. Well, in a background investigation they check your credit history and I was honest about my credit from day one. I am not proud of it and I am working hard to restore it and was working with a background investigator that I thought would help me the best that she could. I was writing to the creditors and making disputes and I would forward it to her to show her that I was making effort to correct this situation. And forgive me, but I dont understand why shit that I did years and years ago reflects on what kind of a WORKER I am, but anyways, she went on maternity leave and my case(along with many, many others.) were forwarded on to another investigator who today informed me that she doesnt have all that much information on my case but based on the information that HE had, he isnt going to move forward and wants me to pull myself out and start from scratch next year. I am sooo pissed. I have been WAITING for this and thought I was doing well and that I actually HAD A CHANCE and I dont and it just pisses me off that 3 months spent waiting, my paperwork was just sitting there, doing nothing, just taking up space. I was seriously considering legal action but I dont even think I have a case. I dont do drugs, Ive never killed anyone, Ive had ONE ticket my entire life and it was for not wearing a fucking seatbelt. Why does stuff I did so long ago even matter? I needed this job in the worst way.

Ok. Im going to do the elliptical for awhile. I need some endorphins. :)
Update: Exercise definitely helped. I think Ill start exercising solely for my minds sake. Everything else will just be an added bonus. :)

Day 7.

Well, I did it, I returned the clothes! I feel allot better. I told my friend, J, what I was doing and she agreed with me returning them was the right thing to do. She thinks Im beautiful no matter what,(and I actually believe her when she says this!) but she says she understands how I feel because she feels bad about herself when she gains weight.

My goal right now is to lose 20 pounds. Altogether, the goal is 100. But Im gonna do it in 20 pound increments.

I have to work tomorrow. Blah. For some reason, no one in the E.R. (the nurses) seem to like me that well. I dont think Ive done anything wrong but they just dont take to me. I guess I cant do anything about it but I wish I wouldnt want their approval so much, you know? Just go to work, do my job and come home. But I really want to make allot of friends. Oh well. The people I want to be friends with like me, so that should be enough. I hate that Im the type of person who needs everyone to like me, especially when theyre assholes to me. I would just like to have the guts to tell people to go stick it where the sun dont shine. Yep.

On a brighter note, I think Im going home for Christmas. Im excited about this because I miss everyone! Im going to request the time off this week so I can plan ahead.

A new day.(day 6)

Yay, my first day off in a long time. Ok, like 5 days lol. And I have tomorrow off too which is nice.

I was starving when I got home last night and had some lasagna. I still dont feel guilty about it because I ate it slow and felt full. This morning I woke up, starving, and I remembered reading in a magazine how when you wake up you should ALWAYS eat breakfast first to get your metabolism going, so I had some eggs and wheat bread and apple juice. Ok, for me, eggs in the morning is GOOD because its protein and it keeps you full for a long time. So I made a good decision. Today I am taking back those horrid fat clothes I bought last week and getting my money back and I think that will be a big deal for me. Its like Im literally taking my life back by telling myself, No more size 18s. I dont even care if I have to wear the same outfits over and over again, or how sick my coworkers get of those outfits, I refuse to buy any more clothes in my size because itll only encourage me to stay that size forever and I need to work my way down to the damned 10. LOL.

Ok, Im gonna go get ready for my day. I STILL havent gotten my book from walmart yet. But I did purchase, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I LOVE that movie. The best movie Ive seen in a long time.

UPDATE: Ok, I got the book right after I posted that I hadnt, lol. I've heard lots of great things about it so Im psyched to get started. And Im hesistant to go return the clothes because I forgot its a holiday weekend and the roads are probably going to be CRAZY! Man, I wish I were in Ohio to celebrate the holidays the Ohio way, good ol fashioned barbecue and some Volleyball(Ok so maybe that was my FAMILYS way, teehee.)

Unfinished.

They say the second you stop smoking, you start adding years to your life. Well, I dont know if the same goes for when you stop eating like crap but it feels like it. I feel better and its only been 5 days. Now when I go to sleep, I am not fighting for my next breath, and when I get up, I am not having trouble getting out of bed. Thats neat.

I have already lost 2 pounds. Thats awesome for me. Im too tired to really let it sink in though lol. Today is turning into a bleak day, and its not even 10am. I dont know. I'll write more later if I can. Im working until 8 and not even in the E.R.

Bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama

Day 3. I feel good. I love it. I dont even think I lost any weight but its the mentality that Im loving right now. The first 30 days are always the hardest. I just have 27 days. Today I sort of ate out. I dont know, you tell me if it counts: Work was extremely busy and although we are allowed to take a lunch(I usually dont) we were so swamped that it was discouraged so our boss bought me and two other people some pizza. I was starving and I knew if I didnt eat, Id have binged right now. And it was a SMALL pizza. And I dont mean small as in the smallest pizza you could order, but the pizza was about the same length as my index finger, so I took ONE slice and it really slowly and chugged some water with it and then went back to snacking on my cashews. I guess it counts, but Im proud that I didnt eat 5 slices you know? Im a pizzaholic, man. LOL

Im listening to Kokomo. I love this song, its very feel goody. My friend Adriana might start going walking with me. Speaking of which, I have a confession for you guys. I didnt go walking last night. I honestly couldnt. I DID walk to the entire other side of my apartment to wash some laundry and then I took myself on down to the laundry mat because the dryers were broke. So I didnt laze around(remember, yesterday I worked the E.R. so I was on my feet ALL day, hustling.) but when I got home, my feet were so sore I couldnt walk anywhere else. I put some socks on and put my feet up and it felt good and I felt like I ate nice enough and was on my feet nice enough that I didnt need to feel guilty. Today wasnt an E.R. day so I'll catch up on my walking soon. I keep going to bed early, by 10ish because I know how important 8 hours of sleep is.

Ok thats it for now. Today is my nephews birthday, he is 1. Im sad that Im missing it.

UPDATE: Well, I just got done with an hour long walk! Ive GOT to find my pedometer because Im so curious as to how many steps I took. Also, in the past two hours my 12 yr old nephew has gotten himself a myspace account. Initially, I was sooo thrilled because I miss him terribly and have NEVER gone this long without seeing him. But then I go to it, and what he has written about himself is horrible, terrifying and I am just...disgusted. Thats not the same D.J. I left behind, and what pisses me off more is that neither one of his parents will care when I tell them about it. Its disturbing.

A long, short day.

Hello again, bloggers!

I am back to report that day two of my "Size 10 or die" lifestyle change is a success. I still have to go walking later, but once again Im waiting because my feet hurt like no ones business. I brought the same stuff to work today only I found myself not eating the banana and just munchin on cashews the whole day. It helped. My favorite part was coming home and not being starving, but hungry, and after choosing a dinner and letting it cook for a half an hour while I did the dishes, I didnt snack. I wasnt STARVING. lol I was hungry enough to know that I should eat something soon, but not hungry enough to eat everything in sight PLUS my meal you know? Its amazing...how stuff works.

Lately, I just keep thinking about life. LIFE. Working in the E.R. you see allot of stuff. Today a woman lost her mother, and she was crying so hard it was hard for me not to. To me and my co-workers, she was a patient, but to this woman she was so much more, whether they had a good relationship or a bad one, she was someone who was loved and going to be missed. It just strikes me that life is here to be lived and can be taken away from me at any time, and it wont have mattered how fat or skinny I was on earth. Sometimes I think Im chasing the wrong goals.

I purchased a book called "YOU ON A DIET." Now, usually, I hate these types of books. I feel like the easy way to lose weight is by eating a healthy diet and exercing(but I still feel that its easier said than done!) The reason I purchased this book is because the author is that guy, Dr Oz or something and he just has neat, interesting things to say about the body. I know how I get when I find out what something does to my body, I stop with that food.(Which is why I think I dont like to know, tee hee.) Its high time I find out what the crap I like to eat is doing internally. So after reading reviews on Amazon, I decided to buy it on Walmart.com and I should be getting it any day now. I'll let you know how it is.

Yesterday, while I was walking, I had so many revelations. One, about my food addiction. It was funny to, because I told myself, "Its JUST food." And that kind of helped and it made me chuckle.

My ring finger is the only thing on me that is a size 9 and that is a bad, bad thing. LOL. But I love it so much, and when I get to my goal, I plan on putting it on a necklace so that I can remember this part of my life.

Ok, Im going to go chill for awhile. :)

My wish.

Hey all! I did really good today! I love days like these when my confidence is soaring and the day outside is so beautiful its like a reflection of how I am feeling ;)

Last night, I wrote a list of things I wanted to do every day. Number one was take my synthroid and then eat breakfast(there has to be an hour window between the two) Usually, I go to work and I eat nothing until I get home at 3 or so, well, those of you who diet constantly know, this is self sabotage because when you get home, you eat more in one sitting and its usually BAD! And I did do that, lol, well, I used to anyways! No more. So today, I packed snacks for myself all day. For breakfast, I enjoyed a delicious banana. Then I snacked on some whole wheat peanut butter bread(1 slice!) and then later some cashews. When I got home I had a bag of 100 calorie cheetos, a small bag, mind you and one slice of pizza. So I think Im done for the day. Next up is exercising. I plan on going walking, but I have GOT to let my feet rest as I was running my ass all around the E.R. today. So I plan to go around 6ish.

Size 10, here I come! I still dont know how to post pictures using my digital camera, dammit.

Chasing cars.

The truth hurts. Really hurts. Yesterday I made my boyfriend take a picture of me in my bath towel and while I couldnt believe what my eyes saw, I COULD. But just because you are prepared for something to feel bad doesnt mean it hurts any less. I cannot believe I let myself go. Its very disappointing.

I have difficulties doing the most random things, things I used to be able to do, like putting pants on, tying my shoes and getting off the couch. I hate it. Yet, this misery seems to make me head straight to the refrigerator. Thank God I dont buy chips and dip anymore. That was a horrible snack.

But at least now...well, today I asked my boyfriend if he would join me in not eating fast food for a month. He thought about it for a second and then said he would do it. Now, I have no idea if HE will stick to it or not, but, I know I will because I do well when I have someone to answer to.

The job is going good. I already got moved up, but I dont start that position until June 4th. Thats exciting but Im really nervous. On the other hand, I have to remind myself, I never thought Id be able to handle the E.R. on my own and I do it, every day and I do it well. So I just have to give myself some time.

Guess what else? I went to Fashion Bug yesterday and got three things right, without trying them on first.(Big mistake!) And dont get me wrong, they fit, but I look so unattractive that I am not allowing myself to keep the clothes. I am taking them back tomorrow. I told myself that I cannot condone being this big, that it has to stop and buying cute clothes in my size isnt helping. So what did I do next? I went and bought these cute size 10 pants that I had been eyeing at the store lately(and for only $11) That was always my goal. To be a size 10. So its back to that goal. I want to be healthy. I want to make me proud of ME. I want to start writing even if nothing ever gets published, writing is something that I love to do and Im going to do it. Im going to take care of myself. This is my promise to me.

I will fit into those size 10 pants, dammit.

Confession: Discrimintation pisses me off.

I went into a store over here called Mervins and I was pissed off to find that they do not carry my current size, (18). They carried only up to 16 and for a moment I cringed at myself for no longer being able to fit the 14s and I got upset. Thats fine, I told myself, because Ive been doing well and hopefully soon I can buy the size 16s. Designers out there want you to purchase their high priced items, yet they cant even acknowledge that not everyone is a size 0. Thank God for ebay. I can purchase the high quality stuff for bargain prices.

Today is my first day off in a very long time. I got all my fabulous make up in the mail(brand new on ebay and all for under $10 and in the stores I would have paid about $70!) and I have been glamming it up. Today I feel all sherbety, I did my eye shadow in a light pink and then coated it with a darker pink. It looks HOT!! I sent my mom some very expensive roses for Mothers Day because I know back home my sister wont really be doing anything for her and well, my mom does allot for everyone so she deserves them.

Now Im off to clean the house really well. I need to do allot of laundry including towels, blankets and my clothes. Im debating whether I should just load up the car and take it all to the mat where I can get it done in under an hour or so versus staying here and just keep walking back and forth. Exercise is good but the washers and dryers are way small. I dont know.

I hope everyone out there is having a great Friday!

Confession: ?

Hi everyone! I can see no one has been leaving any comments which makes me think that no one has been reading, LOL Oh Well!

I just went and purchased a TON of strawberries, some pears and bananas! This way if I absolutely HAVE to eat after 7 I can have some healthy snacks. But mostly I bought them so I can snack throughout the day. I got my new Shape magazine last night and it was so interesting, Im SOOO glad that I subscribe to that magazine! I love the articles.

Anyways, work is good. Tomorrow is kind of like my Friday, because Im off Friday and Saturday LOL Its hectic though as the new girl isnt working out and her last day is Friday and that means Im back to HER job which I HATE WITH A PASSION!!! GRRRRRR!

Confession: I am starting to "get it."

Well, it wasnt until last night that I officially got it: Love my body. This doesnt mean to be conceited and skinny like no ones business, but to love my body, take care of it. Nurture it. I was in awe, why did it take me 25 years? Suddenly dieting seems so easy. Just treat my body the way that I want to be treated. It all comes down to that. Im so excited.

I am fat. I have stopped eating after 7pm. Today is day 3 of that. Im doing very well. My plan is to go for 7 days. And I cant believe how easy it is after a couple of days. The body gets used to it and I wake up energetic and ready for the world.

Everyones life is changing. Its weird how once you hit your 20s its suddenly like life is flying. You spend all of your childhood dreaming of adulthood, and then all of your adulthood dreaming about being a child again. Life was simple. I was told I was fat when I was a kid, but I was always running around being happy and fat that I didnt care. I only started caring when I was a teenager and then more and more people started pointing out my size. Anyways, yeah I feel like Im going to be 26 soon and then 30. I have no accomplished what I wanted. I wanted to have a book published, a job at a publishers company, and a house of my own with my own animals, possibly raising my sisters children. To be in love would be nice, but I am not the type to really fall apart without a man. Lonliness does not scare the eff out of me.

So the job is interesting. Im meeting nice friends finally and Im even going out Friday night. How on earth am I going to stay up late though? I dont drink. I love my sleep. Im going to stick out like a sore thumb though since the girls I work with are like....pretty. Oh well. Im pretty too. Fat does not ugly make. Teehee. I bought a poster board today to put up in my home gym. I rock.

The other day at work I had to escort a blind woman to the restroom. And silly me, I am like walking her to there right and I hear myself say, "Hold on, I'll turn on the light for you." I felt this big. Luckily she had a good sense of humor about it. Today some guy got bit by a baby rattlesnake. Poor guy. Poor snake. Poor everyone involved. They showed me the snake and I was like "Awwww!" The snake was dead though and Im sure the patient didnt like the fact that I was getting attached to the poor dead baby snake. And then people go into the ER for the weirdest things, things that have URGENT CARE written all over them. And Urgent care even has a lower copay too! Oh well.

Ok. Im off to re-do this blog some more. I miss all you bloggers! Keep in touch!

Confession: I have ruined my body.

We went to the Santa Barbara Zoo today and took this photo. I am on the left side. I think it looks cool but my face is HUGE, especially my cheeks!! LOL Oh well.

So...for the past few weeks I have been experiencing a horrible pain underneath my right breast that shoots all the way through to the right side of my back. I thought it was my bra so I switched to a sports bra for awhile but the pain continued. Last night after some Jack in the box, I was so nauseated that I laid on the couch and breathed deeply for awhile. My cousin asked me if I was tired and I told her that I just felt sick. She then asked me where my pain was and I pointed and knowing I had been complaining about it for awhile she gave me a look and told me it was more than likely my gallbladder. I was taken aback by that, although with my size, I really shouldnt be. She just had her gallbladder removed last summer so she was all too familiar with the symptoms so I trusted what she was saying. I ran to my computer to look up the symptoms and sure enough I had about 8 of the ten of them. I am devastated. I know its a minor procedure and that I shouldnt be worried and its not really that I am even worried, its more of a shameful thing, like, how could I have done this to myself? My body has never been this big and I just kept eating, ignoring its warnings, ignoring its protests for healthier foods. I did this to myself and now because of it I have to have a part of me removed. It just bothers me. Bad. And it hurts to sit up for long periods of time now, especially if I eat anything so ironically I am trying to not eat anything. My insurance kicks in the first of May, so I am trying to hold on until I can see a doctor that will direct me towards the next step. This is a real wake up call for me.

On a happier note, things are looking up. I am making friends at work, and one of them even called me today, I was so excited. My job terrifies me each day that I go in, I seriously get nervous even just thinking about it, I almost go into a full blown attack. But it doesnt have to be forever, I just have to pay my dues and move on up and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I got my first paycheck, and my unemployment checks came through for those two weeks I was without money so that was really nice. My cousin is leaving Tuesday which sucks but I am glad she came. Also, my friend Kelly from my old job sent me a care package which was nice, it had a card and a BUNCH of Hello Kitty stuff in it!! :) I love stuff like that, it almost always makes me cry!

Ok Im off to read my new magazines I got today!

Confession: Im stuck.

I know what youre thinking...I talk the talk but I dont walk the walk. Fear not, reader, I often think of these things about myself as well. I once referred to food as the horrible ex boyfriend that you know is so bad for you but youre so blinded that you keep going back.

I was doing so well before San Diego. I have to find that mind frame again. I am eating strawberries and I am throwing the medicine ball around but I am not doing enough. Its so bloody cold to bike ride and the elliptical is covered with Brandys things. I need to get back into my game. I am currently taking multivitamins which help immensely. I am shocked by how different I feel when I take them, like a sudden burst of energy flows right through me. Today when throwing the ball around with Brandy, I was so out of breath. I was telling her how my boyfriends brother uses a 20 pound one and she asked me how much the one we were using weighed. Imagine her reaction, when I admitted, "Four." She nearly died laughing at me. It was not the proudest moment. But yes, it was funny.

The nice thing about working at the hospital is that I am not just sitting on my butt. I am up and my heart is beating, from exercise or stress, I have yet to find out. The ER terrifies me because of the people that come in. I just have to remind myself that if I AM scared, imagine how THEY must feel, you know? I dont love my job, but I am grateful for it, to be working, and to be making new friends and meeting new people. They are intimidating, and I always think people judge me by my looks which is usually how it does work. Oh well, I just need to not get fired. I need to learn more. I am already dreading work tomorrow, but am trying to get into the mindset that if I am in this dreading frame of mind, its only going to get worse. I cant dread it.

Ok...so the Virgina Tech shooting? Popular topic today. My one friend is so bummed by it. I just...I really feel like 911 started some kind of desensitizing thing inside of me because for the love of God, I cannot grasp it or even want to. I read the articles and I am saddened for them, but 911 took all of my energy and sadness. When tragedies like these strike, I tend to dive myself into them and find out whatever I can and obsess about them. I dont want to do that this time. I actually want to distance myself from it. It may seem horribly selfish, and it probably is, but trust me, it took me approximately 3+ years to get over 911, and I still cannot watch a 911 related movie, newsclip or even read about it without getting goosebumps. And I did not even know anyone who was personally affected. I think what bothered me was the fact that so many people died because of hate. I'll never really understand it.

I cannot leave you on a sad note. So guess what. Ok, first, I was so terrified to do my taxes this year because I cashed in my 401K plan last year when I relocated across the country. Almost everyone told me that I would regret this, except for two friends who had actually done it before and told me that while I would be taxed on it, it wouldnt really be that big of a deal. So I found out today that I am getting $1800 back in taxes. I was so excited! You have no idea how broke I have been. God has been a real blessing to me. I have been broke almost the entire time my cousin has been here and she never hesistates to pick up the tab or go run and put money in my bank when Im scared something might bounce. I was ashamed to be so broke and almost angry at life when I realized how blessed I was to have a cousin that was so willing to help me out and not be greedy about ANYTHING. I plan on paying her back with my first paycheck this weeeek!!! So that was nice. And another thing, the hospital gives good benefits! They even cover hearing aids!! I am THRILLED about that. Having no thyroid gland has really affected my life and one of the side effects is progressive hearing loss. I am constantly saying things like, What? Pardon me, and it comes off as stupidity. I plan on getting the hearing aid as soon as I can.

Today at the hospital I helped a blind woman walk to the restroom and actually had to stay in there with her while she went...she was the sweetest woman. I just kept things professional and I told her about my hearing loss and she of course was empathetic but very encouraging. I had great respect for her. I felt kind of sheepish though because when I was walking her to the bathroom I stupidly said, "Hold on, let me turn on the light for you." Luckily, she didnt get pissed.

Ok good night yall! Leave comments!! :) I am a comment junkie! LOL

Confession: I hate false advertising. And hospitals.

So today I went and checked the mail, right and I am quite giddy(yet somewhat disappointed) to learn that I have received a catalogue full of plus sized clothes. Sized 12 to like infinity. Naturally, I opened the catalogue and immediately I am disgusted. First, not only were the clothes really expensive and really ugly, but the models were all size 8's!!! What the hell! That really pissed me off, how are you going to send me a magazine for plus sized clothes and stick them on really skinny girls?! I am seriously thinking about writing the editor or whoever of that magazine and asking him what the hell he was thinking when he thought up his business. Was it something like, "Ok, I can charge fat allot of money for really ugly clothes but I dont want fat people in MY catalogue...."? I just couldnt believe my plus sized self.

(and the word youre looking for is...."Anywaaaaaaaays....)

The job is going interesting. I was in the ER all day yesterday helping register patients and well...thats sad. I hate seeing people in pain, and I hate the fact that the doctors dont even really seem to care. They detach themselves, which Im sure is a must for the job because if you get too emotionally involved it can strain your work. But I am the opposite, I get attached. This one girl got assaulted by her friend and she was understandably upset and so I went in and talked to her and told her about the time my supposed best friends boyfriend assaulted ME and how they are still together. She was shocked by that and I still cant decide if I should have told her but I told her it sucks to feel betrayed like that and she was going to be angry and sad for awhile but she will get better, and I told her to get a journal and write shit down. Then this other guy came in and he almost made me cry because he had cancer and he was soooo sick and he only spoke spanish and the nurse who was "helping" him was taking down his information while laughing. I just thought that was SOOOO unprofessional. I actually wanted to smack her. Im sorry, but rude people piss me off.

Ok, no real diet news. On a self esteem note, I look awfully pretty today. Tee hee.

Soaking up the suN!

Today, I swam 20 laps. Ok, like 10 if you count back and forth as 1 lap. But still, I got some exercise and it was fuuuuun. I had forgotten how much I love swimming! It took me forever to get into the pool though because I was too embarrassed to strip down into my suit and show off my adipose. Teehee. My cousin said she is so grateful that she does not have that problem, I wish I didnt either. She accepts her body as is, says life is too short to dread every step of the way. Its funny, she does things that I am too scared or uncomfortable to do. She makes me feel like I have been hiding from life and I have, I know it, but still...the truth can be a bitch sometimes you know? LOL

So what are some exercises to do in a pool besides laps? Any suggestions? Im sure I can find some on the web.

I start my new job tomorrow at 8am. Im kind of stoked to be working again. Something to do everyday you know? Itll be nice. Plus, I am so sick of being broke and I hate, hate hate asking my boyfriend for money even though I know he will give it to me. Its a pride thing, I guess.

I slept in so late today because I was up so late. Easter was awesome, it was my first Easter with my boyfriend so I got him the prettiest basket and filled it with stuff that he likes, like Arizona Green Tea cans and a Spiderman chocolate bunny and an umbrella full of jelly beans, and this card that I thought was the CUTEST thing until other people saw it and pointed out that the rabbits were having sex. I had thought they were CUDDLING!!!!! Oh well. He was soooo flattered and that was the best part for me. He even wrote me the cutest little letter which I love so all in all it was a fantabulous easter :)

Ok I hope to have some more exercise deets for you guys later, but until then, I hope you are having a wonderful Monday!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

Not only is this blog under my construction but my whole life is as well. I need one of those orange signs on my back lol. Its like, Please excuse the mess, Im working on it!

I am seriously still investigating this pilates. The more I read the book, the more into it I get. I would really like to try doing a pilates video for beginners or even a yoga video. Reader, I have so many exercise videos though, its honestly a waste of money to purchase another. So maybe now I'll just follow what the book tells me and when I am ready I will purchase a video as a treat. Notice that I said "when" and not "if."

So I havent lost any weight but guess what, I am not pigging out either. Though I must admit, its because I no longer have the money to spend on my binges. My unemployment was cut off and I have about $11 lol and I REFUSE to spend it on chips and dip and candy and all that crap that my body doesnt need. I swear, that crap is slowly killing me. Sometimes I can hear it slowly singing that "Killing me softly." song. Its funny.

Ok so today I had to go get my TB test read. I scoped around the hospital and I am happy to report that I found a bike rack. I plan on riding the bike to work as often as I can. Itll take about 20 minutes versus approx 3 in the car. What Im left with is how to keep from getting sweaty and all ugly at work you know? Its not a professional job or anything, because Ive seen what the other people wear, but still, I would like to look as professional as possible. Maybe bring a change of clothes? If you have any suggestions, let me know as they would be greatly appreciated.

Im nervous about my new job to be honest. The boss seems like she will be hard to work for. Im worried she will think I am stupid or something but at the same time, its new and interesting and hopefully I can do my best and she will appreciate it. She told me on my interview she hopes to move me to medical billing as soon as possible which means a pay raise, which will be good. I just have to start this pilates thing ASAP or go walking before work or SOMETHING because exercise makes me more confident in myself.

Ok, Im off like a prom dress. Hope you guys have a happy Easter. :)~ Easy on the chocolate!

Bombshell in training!

I am yearning to listen to some really good instrumental music. In my pilates book, it says to relax the mind and encourages relaxing music so that you dont lose your focus. Focus is what it seems to be all about. Almost everything about dieting or lifestyle changing or even life itself is all about the mind. Everythings mental. I need to get my mental state to where I only crave veggies and skim milk and fruits and lean meats. If Hilary Duff could do it, why cant I?

I went walking today--up the biggest hill ever. Tomorrow I plan on doing it again. I just need to tone down the eating. Today was one of those days where I looked in the mirror and was liking what I saw. I mean, yes, Im heavy and thats not the part I liked but I sometimes get conceited and tell myself I would be a bombshell if I could just lose this weight. Sigh. Why cant I just be a bombshell in the moment you know? Oh well. Ill get there, maybe not tomorrow but soon enough. Just watch.

Ok now here is a topic that may be too personal for some of you to talk about or read about but I am going to write about it anyways: Fat sex.

Ew.

I happened to be blessed with a boyfriend who loves me for me. I love that. He has stayed with me at my very lowest weight and my very highest weight and always says Im beautiful. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. But...he likes to have sex...like, with MY clothes off and the lights ON. And he is not skinny, nor is he fat, he honestly is just in the middle. Well anyways, maybe it doesnt gross him out but it grosses me out FOR HIM. I dont know how to get over this. I want to be confident in bed, but its hard when the closet doors have mirrors on them and you cant escape yourself to get caught up in the moment even just once, and you have to do it with your eyes closed, because gosh help you if you catch a glimpse of yourself or the whole situation in the mirrors, then the mood is just going to be G-O-N-E. My resolution so far is to be "a top" which does not mean what you think it means. It means, "Ok I'll do it, but my shirt is staying on." Thats not spontaneous or sexy or romantic, heck, I dont even think it falls into the "cute" category. It brings me back to that comment my one friend made, "Its ok to be plus-sized but you have to have confidence with it." Reason 10202938 that I must lose weight: To have a healthy sex life. Seriously, theres only so much the pretty Bath and Body works lotions can do.

Ok, I'll move on.

I had a physical, a pee test and a TB injection today. The physical was uncomfortable. I had to do all kinds of things, including strip down to my bra and panties,(dont worry they gave me one of those slip thingies that are made for anorexic people, so as not to be TOTALLY embarrassed as half of me was covered.) and what freaked me out more is that I had to touch my toes. I was just waiting for the doctor to ask me to spell RUN. I just felt violated because my job at the hospital isnt even going to be a nurse or something, Im just going to be the one admitting the patients. Can you imagine what they must do to the real staff?!

My cousin and I are having fun. I am broke as can be though, and Im running out of ideas !! ELP-HAY!

Wow, what a nice two days it has been. Just as I suspected, I feel better having a friend in town. She immediatlely jumped into our jacuzzi and is in her glory lol. Thats right, my complex has a jacuzzi and today was the first time I stepped foot into it. I was so embarrassed too. Its funny, she encouraged me to buy a bathing suit. Its the first time I bought one in I dont even know how long.(Wow, today is allot of firsts huh?!) She told me that if I would just get out in the mornings, lay out and then swim I would be fine but I just needed to get out instead of laying myself up in the house because Im too ashamed of the way I look to step out. Its true. I need to get out more. Anyways, as for the bathing suit, I actually look decent in it. We plan on doing water aerobics tomorrow, and actually, for the rest of her trip.

I was thinking these past few days that I think negatively too much, and I constantly worry. My mind is full of unhappiness. So I decided to look into some yoga or pilates, one or the other because Ive heard it can work wonders on the mind. Well, today I was at a second hand store and I found a book on pilates and the stability ball. Since I have a ball, I purchased the book and Im listening to relaxing music while reading it. I decided if I really want to change, and I want this change to last, then I should start with my mind. I should be my own support system, my own backbone, the one that I turn to when I disappoint myself. I need to be able to walk myself through the bad times instead of always throwing in the towel. Listening to instrumental music is inspiring because I visualize myself swimming with dolphins or whales. OMG, it sooo relaxes me. Also, we shopped til we dropped today, and my feet are sore. Whether its from my shoes or the fact that my weight is seriously starting to affect how I literally carry myself, I dont know. But all I can tell my body is not to worry, Help is on the way!!

I...am....so....tired.

Randomness.

I'll be updating this blog all day, so keep checking me back.

First, so ok, I thought Id be cool and go and update my blog look right? Reader, it scared the crap out of me because when I did it, it erased all of my sidebar stuff and I nearly pissed myself! But then I kept pushing all of these links and well one link led to the next and ah-ha Im baacck!! I shall never take this here blog for granted again!

All Ive had to eat today is two waffles. Soooo carby. Im needing to get back to kicking the carbs which is what Bran will have me doing when she gets here later today(eeek! company!!) Im excited, yes, but guess what else? After yesterdays dreadful day, and how broke I am, I talked to God allot and today I was blessed with a check for $190! I am so thrilled by that. Ive also had two job prospects open up. I know Im supposed to be starting the other one on Monday but these other ones will have hours that will allow me to attend some evening classes here in town. Ive waited a year because I had to be a resident and I really want to meet other people...so we shall see!!

Back to basics!

(I love white lillies! For Valentines Day, my boyfriend got me a dozen of them and this was the last one of the bunch! Its so beautiful and it put a smile on my face and I hope it does the same for you!)

Todays inspiration: Sarah , Kelly Ripa and my old blogs!

I often go to my friend Sarahs blog. Its funny, I wanted to be the writer, but she actually IS a writer so naturally I love reading what she has to say. We have been friends for about 5 years now(has it been that long!?) since I moved upstairs from her and my mom made her introduce herself to me so that I would know my neighbors. She was sooooo nice to me(still is!) Anyways, she wrote how she loves getting up and going for Saturday morning bike rides. She doesnt say if she goes with anyone, so I can only imagine that she goes it alone. Just...by...herself. I love this. I wish I could be that type of person. It seems like I constantly need someone there to push me further or else I collapse because no one is there to push me. I need to be told what to do...its disappointing to realize that I dont have a mind of my own. So, through reading Sarahs blog, I decided I need to be more independent. Start doing things for me. I need to start holding myself accountable because this is why I always fail. The second someone stops checking in on me, I am checking out of myself. And then the guilt follows and then the next thing you know, Im in a depression again. Its taken me 25 years to fully understand this about myself. I refuse to waste anymore time "figuring myself out." I know what I want. The most important goal of mine is to lose this weight, once and for all. Hopefully along the way, I can move forward with other goals as well. But this is my number one goal for now, maybe the most vain, but its mine, and if it means I am a vain person than so be it.

I chose Kelly Ripa as the other inspiration for today because I received my new Shape magazine and she is the cover girl for this month. I loved her article! She gave me ideas on how to eat more better and actually gave recipes that I was interested in. She just seems sooooo down to Earth. Its cool too because they give you these recipes to try. I love BLT's but I NEVER eat them because the bacon part freaks me out. But hark, Kelly states she uses turkey bacon. I had never even thought of that!! LOL Its the little things that will add up, and I am starting to feel allot better.

And finally, I chose my older blogs because I was so inspired and alive when I was writing them. It made me realize to always go back to the basics when Im doubting myself.

I fell off the wagon. But I am getting back on, and this time, I am fastening the seatbelt.(Does a wagon have a seat belt?) My cousin will be here tomorrow, and Im scared of her reaction of me but she will get over it and then help me out. Itll be nice therapy.

Meanwhile, I talked to another cousin of mine yesterday who is a size 2 lol and told her about my weight gain. Its amazing, the more people I tell, the more in control I feel. People are supportive. She told me "WHO CARES?!" LOL She says I hide out too much, and that I should get out more. Today I had such a bad morning and she offered to come and get me(she lives 5 hours away) and to take me wherever I want to go and I wouldnt have to pay for anything. While I appreciated the gesture, I declined because, well, Im getting company tomorrow.

So Im going to start living more. Im FAT, not dead!

Hi again!

Its sooo gorgeous outside!(the picture was taken at River Park here in town. Its pretty but the park scares the bejesus out of me because there are mountain lions!) Im so stoked. Im going to go walking. To rev myself up again, I am committing myself to 30 minutes of walking a day, 7 times a week. Thats better than nothing, yes yes? I just thought Id drop in and let you guys know whats up.

Im trying to make myself feel pretty. I respond to myself more when I find myself more appealing. For instance, I took my naturally curly hair today and straightened it and I immediately felt better about myself. A dab of make up and I was off...to the nearest Burger King. Yep, Reader, I felt so desirable that I felt like the king should witness it himself, lol. I didnt feel good about it, but I was starving. Anyways, that will be my last fast food binge. When my cousin gets here, she wants me on veggies and lean meats, which will be good. I dont eat veggies but she will be cooking them and making them so I will like how they taste so thats good. Im excited about that.

I came up with a new idea today. Ok, some of you might think this is lame but oh well. I spend a ton of money on junk food, whether it be fast food or the chips and dip or microwave pizza so I was thinking that from now on, I tally up the total of what those foods would cost me and put that money in a piggy bank or something and for a month, see how much I would have spent on that crap and with that money I can either treat myself to something nice or choose to keep it in the bank and add another month. Im excited for this plan because Im really curious to see how much I shell out for crap!! Isnt that a shame that the companies profited from my weight gain? Oh dont get me wrong, I know that I am ultimately responsible for what I do with my body but I cant stand it, they wave their fattening foods in our faces on a daily basis(I rhymed!) and yet the world hates fat people. Ugh. Can we say two faced?

I was talking to my cousin last night about how weight has controlled so much of my life and how I just wanted it to be done with, I just didnt want it to be that way, and move on. I told her how Im afraid to introduce myself to people because I immediately think they will dismiss me because of my size. She told me that even if they do, those are the people that I do NOT want in my life anyways. I agreed. But sooo much easier said than done.

I read this article in Oprah magazine--Im trying to find a way that you guys can read the article--and it was so interesting. This chic was trying to lose weight so this lady had her make out all these index cards that had reasons she wanted to lose weight so that when she felt like eating bad foods, she could pull out the cards and be reminded of why she shouldnt eat it. The lady also made her not eat ANYTHING between her breakfast and dinner, so she could learn to not be afraid of hunger. Im not doing a good job of describing this article, I know.

But check out these stories. http://www.oprah.com/beauty/fashion/beauty_fashion_200703_love_101.jhtml

Ok, I hope to be back later with some inspirational things for you.

Woot, woot!

Dont ask because I dont really know what woot, woot means. I just like the sound of it, sounds like a celebration huh? Woot, woot!

Im excited....4 more days until my cousin comes to visit! We are planning on going on long walks, and running stairs(I'll be more likely to be running scared though, tee hee) If I could find an extra bike for her, we could go bike riding too. Im just so happy that I am going to have someone from home that doesnt care about how big or small I am. We ordered her a nice air bed, and the guest room isnt too shabby, whether thats a good sign or a bad sign I have no idea. Im going to be so sad when she leaves though!! Oh well, I shouldnt think about that yet, eh!?

I need to get back into the game. Before we left to San Diego, I bought 8 pound weights and they have been in the backseat of my car until today. Yes, Reader, I brought them in. I was quite proud of myself, too. Every little step counts, you know? Oh and I got a new job, because the job in SB wasnt working out. After I did the math, I realized that more than half of my earned money was going towards gas, and well, it was a per diem job, and the hours just werent there, and neither was the pay. It sucked though, having to quit. I was quite upset with myself that I even took the job. Sigh, but get this, I dont even want to take the new job either, even though its 5 minutes up the road and everyone is telling me that I should be more grateful about it, and I am grateful. But the woman who interviewed me I felt was rude and she kept me waiting longer than necessary. I feel like if I am early or on time, you should be early and on time. Someone said she might have been busy but bull cucky because she called me out of the blue and scheduled my interview at 7pm last night and I went(true, I didnt have any other plans but still.) She knew I was coming, she should have made more of an effort to be ready when I got there. Anyways, the pay is shit, and what I dont like about it is she made it very clear to me that my hours will be set per month, and just because MY schedule changes I shouldnt expect her to work around that. Thats the part I really dont like because I really wanted to take classes at the community college in May. So now I feel like I am stuck. But not to worry, because I have ONE more place that I am going to apply to, and Im feeling pretty confident with it. So I'll let you know more if and when I get it.

Tigerlilly--you are doing awesome, girl!! You are my inspiration, so keep it up!!

Untitled.

Wow, it feels like forever since I have been on here. FOR-EV-ER.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, "Wow, youre just so pretty, if only you werent fat?" I find myself doing that more and more often. Its funny but sad at the same time. Last night at work, we were watching Americas Next Top Model and one of the girls I work with was talking about the plus sized models, and she brought up a good point, something I rarely ever hear a skinny girl say, and that was, "Its ok to be plus sized, but you have to have confidence in yourself." I was like, Wow, she is so right. Me? I have no confidence in myself. I did for awhile there, and then I fell apart, again.

This job is nice, but the gas is killing me. Its $3.35 per gallon and my job is an hour away, so its like $20 every other day for me. Its basically taking all of my money, dammit. And its like I dont want to quit because its a good company but really, there will be no advancing you know? I never should have taken it. Its only part time but its really not even worth the part time.

Ok, update. I finally told my mom about my weight gain today. I didnt tell her to the extent as I did not want to cause worry or anything but I told her. Actually, she asked me how my weight was, and I said, Horrible and she said she doubted it. Then I said, No I've gained allot and its why I wont come home. She said, "Who cares!" LOL That kind of made me feel better. I feel like I gave California a chance but home is where the heart is you know? We'll see. As for the job, Im pretty much not going back. I was on my way in today and the gas was on E and my heart started beating so fast that I needed MORE gas again and tomorrow was going to be the same thing. That would have been $100 in gas this week ALONE. I looked into public transportation but the thing is, that only runs during the day and Id be mostly working at night. I feel sooo horrible about accepting the job, Ive wasted everyones time. I wish there was something I could do but theres nothing.

Wasted...but Back for Good.

LOL I posted this picture because I love how happy I am. I was about 5 years old I think. Chubby but happy because I was at the beach with my parents. Im sorry but I think Im the cutest little girl. Look at my afro! LMAO I have curly hair to this day but its longer now, and I try to straighten it when I can. Ok moving on.

I havent been doing all that well. I keep listening to Carrie Underwoods new song, "Wasted." (Im the biggest Carrie Underwood fan, lol) That song speaks to me somehow. Anyways, these past few days have been hard and I feel like I am just getting beat down. I gained those 3 pounds back, dammit, and it depressed me. We have a houseguest now, and lets just say that I am less than thrilled about that. Stressed out? Heck yes. I talk to God every day and ask him to talk to me, but either he is and I cant hear him or he's waiting to answer me. Im not sure and Im not even angry about it. He knows how I feel and what I feel. I am still so homesick. Ive been in California for about 10 months now and I have no friends and just my boyfriends company. Its lonely. And because of that, I keep turning to food. I accepted a job where the people seem soooo nice, and I would love to work there, I guess, but at the same time, I would love to go home even more. The place where Im going to work is an hour away and the pay is decent, nothing really to write home about. I kind of feel like the money isnt worth it, because its only going to pay for my gas to get to and from them. On the other hand though, its for a great company and who knows what opportunities may arise from that? A part of me questions whether I really want to stick around to find out. I mean, no matter what, I'll still miss my parents, my family and my friends. No matter what opportunity comes from this job, I strongly doubt this yearning for home will go away.

It just sucks that I have gotten so fat. I cant go home. I know many of you think that Im being silly or whatever, but its true. Thank God I finally confessed of my weight gain to my cousin who will be here soon. That made me feel a tad better. I wish I could tell my mother, but she will be so gossipy about it. I know I shouldnt care, but thats how it was when I was growing up. My weight defined the person everyone thought I was, so now in my adult life, it feels like thats how it is EVERY DAY. Frustrating. And why do I miss people like this? Well...its like my friends wouldnt care, and really my dad probably wouldnt either but my mom...my mom. I think what I fear more than anything is that when we get into an argument day she will use the dreaded "F" word(FAT!) towards me and itll hurt me again. She hasnt done that in a long time, because I was losing so successfully. And my Aunt M...OMG, she would die if she saw me, she would shake her head in disappointment. She spent sooo much time with me, helping me. It sucks. I wish I never would have moved here.

Ok, on a diet note, I am going walking at 230ish with Patricks mom. That should be fun, I could sure use the company. I'll try to update more. Hopefully get out of this funk soon!

Im baaaaaaack.

Ok, so actually I got back on Friday night and I was too tired to write. Yesterday, I was running around picking up groceries or baking or dropping stuff off at the post office.

So, Reader, I did not do good. I mean, the only good part of the trip is that I was constantly on my feet. But on day one, I got no sleep, I was up for about 30+ hours, because we left at 3am on Wednesday morning, arrived in San Diego around 830ish, ate some breakfast(which I really did not eat because I was feeling sick.) Then we headed off to SEA WORLD!!! That was the most fun I've had in a YEAR! It was weird too, because I saw a dolphin show, a whale show, a seal and otter show, but yet my favorite show was the PET SHOW! I mean, that was the most fascinating because they had cats, dogs, pigs and birds doing tricks! CATS!! Omg, it was so much fun, despite the fact that I got soooo sunburnt!

The marine graduation...well, it sucked. I mean, the graduation itself wasnt so bad, kind of interesting. But the person we drove the 5 hours for was kind of rude, I thought. He just dragged us from one souvenir shop to the next, and I felt like we were only there to carry his bags. All of the other marines were so grateful to see their friends and families and were sitting down and talking to them. Not us. I mean, when we left that afternoon to go to the hotel we were pretty bummed, ok actually I was pissed off. In fact the rest of the trip, I was mostly pissed off. I understand that graduating from the Marines is such an honor but...try spending 72 hours with someone who just brags and brags and brags about it, and when he's done bragging to you, he's borrowing your cell phone so he can call and brag to other people. Ugh. Then last night he was over and I made him a nice cake,(so pretty, but dont worry, I didnt have any!) and he was thankful for that but he is just not interested in anything else but talking about the marines. We were watching tv and then he put in his Boot Camp documentary and then was chatting on the computer. I just think its rude & annoying. Maybe Im horrible for feeling this way, but I'll accept that.

Ok so back to basics huh? Im gonna get for now, and go check out all of your blogs :)

Hello.

Sorry I went awol for a second there. Im going to be awol for the next few days as well so I thought Id write a quick entry now. We are going to a Marine graduation in San Diego so I am packing up some stuff.

My eating has been...not great, but not bad. I eat in small portions, but Im eating crap today. I swear, Im the hungriest when Im on my time of the month. I have been exercising though so Im not gaining, just maintaining. For the trip I packed sandwiches and raisins. I will not come back fatter. Seriously. When I come back, I am going to be concentrating hard on not eating bad carbohydrates. Im not saying I'll be doing it right away, its going to take time to get myself off of the bad stuff. But I can do it.

I met the nicest girl at Fashion Bug today. She said she was a size 18 like myself but I thought she could have easily been a 14. I never would have guessed 18. She was sooooo nice to me though, and for that I was grateful. Its hard to come by nice people in this state, or anywhere actually. I could just tell by her eyes that she was genuine. Make sense? Anyways, I told her about the blogs, and hopefully she will stop by, if she doesnt think Im a total nut LOL. I should have given her my number cause maybe we could have went walking together or something. Who knows.

Ok, people. Take care. I'll be back Friday night with a report on how I did while Im gone.

Triumph!

YAY! I worked my ass off yesterday, I mean, I went walking at the beach and then I came home and did a workout video, The Core Secrets and for the rest of the night I was randomly doing lunges or some kind of tricep move. Anyways, its paid off! This morning, I was 234 on the scale! Still such a big weight, but I managed to get down the three pounds I wanted by the day I wanted. Plus Im surfing the crimson wave, if you know what I mean. Im so excited. This is the biggest deal to me. The sooner I can lose this weight and look at myself in the mirror without flinching the better!

As for my post the other day, I didnt mean to offend people who have had some sort of weight loss surgery. That wasnt my intention at all and so I would like to extend an apology to those of you that I did offend. My point was that sometimes there is an underlying issue and its important to get to that before making any dramatic changes. Like for me, I had to sit down and really think last night about my whole life and things that have effected me in negative ways. Ive realized every time I have lost weight, I have gained it back because Ive never done it for the right reasons. The last time I lost allot of weight was because my aunt was there, making sure I did everything right, and if I screwed up I'd have to hear about it so I did my best to not disappoint. But then as soon as I moved I gained the weight back because I didnt have anyone to be accountable to anymore, well, except myself but I didnt take myself seriously. I mean, come on, what was I going to do if I ate too much? Spank myself? Then yesterday while doing my video, I realized I've never tried to lose weight because of ME or what I wanted. So that helped. And you know what, blogging is proving to be good therapy, too, because it seems the more "confessions" I make, the better I do. Im not keeping things to myself anymore, and no offense to you guys, but I love knowing that other people are in the same predictament as me, and everyone is trying to better themselves. Its free too!

Amazingly, Ive been more interested in psychology than ever. I think if I start school in May I want to make that my major. Theres so much to learn about why people do the things they do and it intrigues me.

Ok, dont forget to "spring forward" tonight!

UPDATE: I just worked out on the elliptical--burnt 433 calories and 74 carbs, went for 40 minutes. I also did my core secrets video again...Who knew how motivational 3 pounds could be huh?!

Wow.

So...really, this should be a diary entry as I have many a thing to say.

First, I lost half a pound! Yay! I know thats really small but its a start! My goal right now is 2 pounds a week, which should take me just under 200 by my 26th birthday. Good for me. The cravings for chip and dip and that icky cheese salsa have faded. I am noticing my body responds more to healthy things, and I am trying to respect its wishes. I know I'll have chips and dip again, but I also know that when I have the urge, I'll use a 99 cent bag instead of the huge ones and only eat a small amount of the dip. They are no longer my weakness. As for you, Mr Salsa Con Queso, you and I are done. Good riddance. Also, I have noticed that chewing gum helps to ward off binging.

Did you guys watch Oprah today? I RARELY watch that show. I like Oprah, but I like it more when she is talking to real people with real problems and lately she always has celebrities on, but that wasnt the case today. The show was entitled, "Suddenly Skinny." It was about people who had gastric bypass thinking that would solve their problems, but afterwards they only had more problems because their addictions had to go towards something else. One lady became promiscuous while another became an alcoholic. I was watching the show in awe, and the main message was: You have to find out what the real issue is thats making you overeat before you make any drastic changes.(i.e. the surgery.) It was an excellent show. I have an addictive personality like that. I wouldnt ever want to have that surgery though, because well, I never want to have any type of surgery. lol Im a baby when it comes to that stuff. So now I am on a mission to find out why I use(d) food as a way out, what I was hiding from and how to change all of that. I didnt have the best childhood, but I didnt have the worst childhood either, so it cant really be that, can it? I hate thinking about that because while my parents were mean to my sister and I and each other as kids, I get along with them now and I dont want to start anything. I think what I am addicted to is Positive Attention, or Approval addiction. I want everyone to approve of me, everyone to like me. As a child, since I was about 5 I was always called fat, by my parents, by my sister, and other family members as well as the public. So since I was 5 I have thought of myself as fat. Ive never really known myself to be anything other than that, it was almost as if Fat was my fate. Anytime I got in an argument or tried to defend myself, the first thing someone else said was, "Youre fat." It was like, Oh Im fat, so I must not mean anything. Shit like that. I dont understand why this would drive me to eat MORE though. If anything you would think that it would make me want to eat LESS. And I always get that look where people look you up and down, and they dont even try to hide it. That look makes me feel...worthless. One time when I was losing weight, I shifted my emptiness to shopping and acquired a huge amount of debt. Its embarrassing especially now that I am fat and broke. Boy when it rains it pours huh? I guess the hardest part is knowing that I did this to myself. No one injected thousands of calories into my veins and no one placed a gun to my head and forced me to shop. I did it all on my own. Its hard and even as I write this, I do want to cry but Im thankful that I am figuring stuff out. I contacted one of the collectors today and they have agreed to give me a year to pay off what I owe and while its going to be a struggle, Im going to just keep praying and working on it. I pray that I get the job I am up for because I really need the money and it would just be nice to finally have a career. I really hope they give me a chance.

Ok, so for today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread, and a bag of 100 calorie cheetos and a glass of milk. I've also taken my multi vitamin. Later, I'll snack on a pair and get some exercise. I was out running errands all today. I donated a bunch of books to the library and trust me, that was excercise all in itself because I also had a box of books that were due. So I had to make two trips to my car and back and I was panting. I wish I could have seen myself!

This months issue of Fitness magazine was the most informative yet! It had this article that gave you 9 signs on why you might be diabetic and I have like 6 of them! Geez!

Blog it out!

I somewhat like the show on HBO called Entourage, mainly because of Jeremy Pivens character whos always asking the other characters if they want to "hug it out." Now when one of my friends has an issue Im like, "Blog it out." LOL. I dont know, I guess I feel such a release when I write, I figure it has to be that way for everyone.

I was thinking earlier today, ok, and I've thought about it allot in the past too about how much money I have spent on diet/exercise related products. Its really ridiculous. That money could have went towards a damn pony. I mean...for as much as people make fun of fat people, I think they should be on their knees thanking us, because if it werent for us, all the fast food restaurants would close and no one would buy their products. Maybe thats a shitty way to think, but still. Right now, in this room with me is one proform elliptical machine, one bicycle, one Firm fanny lifter, 2 sets of 5 lbs weights, one set of 8 lbs weights and an exercise ball, a bottle of diet pills and about 10 workout videos as well as the Biggest Loser cookbook. Total that up. Its a wonder Im fat. Buying these things always had false hope attached to them. Each time one was bought, Id tell myself "Ok, this is it. Im not going to be fat anymore." And maybe I'd use the item a couple of times, but no matter what I always seemed to stop for a long period of time. Before the elliptical arrived, I would let myself eat whatever, whenever because I figured once I had the elliptical here, the binges would stop, like all of a sudden I wouldnt need the food. I was always in "I'll start tomorrow" mode.

I worked out hard today. Exercise, I've decided is key to losing the weight. I have started an exercise log for myself. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then about 20 minutes of an upper body weight training video. The Firm. Those videos kick my ASS but they work, so I am determined to stick with them. When I was losing weight last time, I did a rotation of the Firm and the Core Secret videos, and I was able to do them in one hour. Today, I had split the video up. Sigh. Im actually trying to talk myself into doing the Core Secret video now. 43 minutes. LOL Tigerlilly, how do you do this? Im so exhausted already. Oh, but I do like the feeling that exercise brings with it. MMMMM, endorphins.

The Firm video was making me laugh a little because on this one scene you have to lay your stomach "flat on the fanny lifter." I was like, "Lady if I could lay my stomach flat, I wouldnt be here."

Tomorrow, Im going to start taking multi vitamins. I dont know if theyll help me or not, I just know that I lack vitamins, Im not expecting a miracle. Thought a miracle would be nice, wouldnt it?

blah!

I almost didnt even write tonight because I dont really have anything interesting to say, but I dont want to get into the habit of not writing so here I am! :)

I did ok with the eating today. Counting calories and carbs and fat grams can be exhausting but shocking too. I mean, I didnt eat a ton today but I was shocked to find that two flour tortillas has 40 grams of carbs. Holy crap! I need to find wheat tortillas. I have a feeling I am going to have to special order them. Great. I use those for my chicken quesadillas. Then I had a half cup of yogurt, a bowl of unhealthy cereal(a bowl is good! Usually I have two or three bowls.) and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread. The sandwich kept me full for hours. Wheat rocks. I also cleaned the kitchen and then the spare room, and I mean I attacked it. I really need to start exercising more. Why is that its easy to gain weight but hard to take it off?

Surprisingly, I did not crave the nachos and cheese all day today. I dont know if its because the label terrified me to the point that it literally made me want to be violently ill at just the mere thought of that cheese, but I dont think I'll have it ever again. And if I do, it wont be for a long, long time. Also, Patrick offered again to get me some fast food and I declined. Yay me! When I decline, he then doesnt get anything for himself either, so you see it works out.(Pss, I dont think he needs to lose weight at ALL)

Im sorry this blog is so boring tonight. Hopefully tomorrow itll be better.

Killng me softly, but surely.

Ok. This was going to be a good, happy, upbeat blog. But I decided to do some research and now I am disturbed and somewhat disappointed with myself.

First, let me say that a food journal is a MUST for me. I started one tonight because I was curious. All I had to eat until about 9 pm today was chips and that salsa con queso crap. I didnt eat allot of chips, but I managed to down that whole container of the salsa. Not in one sitting mind you. Id eat some, go away for a couple of hours, go back, get some more, and then be satisfied for awhile and then go back again, and in between I was drinking water.(No capri suns for me today, yay!) Well then, at 9 I was hungry so my boyfriend and I split a pear. And then I ran to the store and bought a microwave pizza. I looked at the box which didnt seem too bad because I was seriously under the impression that my food intake for the day was good. And then I came home and I was like, Ok I should start a food diary.

Reader, my food intake was not good. At all.

That yummy salsa con queso? Yeah, that had 39 g of fat and 52 g of carbs. OMG!! I did the math on it. 3 g of fat per serving, the can holds 13 servings. I multiplied the 3 x 13 and got 39! I nearly peed my pants/vomited.(but I didnt because at this point the last thing I need is a friggin eating disorder!) Holy crap. And the carbs! OMG! I will probably stay away from this stuff for a very long time. The pear was the healthiest thing I ate and I only ate half of it!! And that pizza! Holy crap!

Ok, but I cant let this get me down. I didnt sit on my butt all day. I was running errands, running back and forth to the laundry room and shopping. So I got SOME exercise. I told my boyfriend about the salsa addiction and surprisingly, he said he thinks we could both stand to change our diet. He also pointed out that the cheese was hard to clean off the dishes and that if 120 degree water couldnt do it, it must be HORRIBLE for my body. I never thought of it that way. So while it was hard to confess, I am glad I did because I was able to think of it more sensibly and that will help me to not purchase it anymore. Confessions are hard but I am starting to realize confessing is the way to go because the sooner you get it off your chest it doesnt "eat" you up anymore. Seriously. I was so scared to tell anyone that I was gaining weight, but Im starting to tell people and its taking the pressure off of me.

I AM doing good with the no eating out thing though. Thats something I dont see myself messing up with, unless I choose something healthy. I am over the whoppers, the king size fry, the chicken carbonara sandwich, and the chicken strips...all the crap.

Just thank God I started the food journal today! What scares me is that I ran to the store tonight to get some food and I walked up and down the aisles with the chips, daring myself to get yet another container of that salsa shit. I mean, it was really hard for me to decide not to. I give myself major points for that. It would have been so easy to come home and finish off that container plus the pizza.

I havent lost any weight, but dear reader, I havent gained any either! Im just hanging tough at 237. Im going to exercise now and hopefully the scale will budge in the morning. Not couting on it though.

New goal: 229

Ultimate goal: 145

UPDATE: 2:10 am: I just found out that my favorite stuff for sandwiches, Dietz and Watson, is actually sold in California and at a store that is LOCAL!! Its the best delicacies ever. SO healthy for you! I cant wait to go to the store and get some!

Short entry.

I was bummed when I logged in and say that I had no comments. If anyone's reading this, does that happen to you? Im all excited to log in, and I mean actually giddy, and then I get so sad when I see theres nothing said. Does that mean no ones reading this? Although, I guess Id rather have no comments than a mean one.

Today was fine. No long walk, but its only 10pm and I have a hunky dory feeling I'll be jumping on the elliptical in no time. I didnt binge, yay! And when I was offered quiznos, I politely declined. Quiznos...MMMMMM. I LOVE the chicken carbonara sandwich, but I also know that its waaaay unhealthy for me, and while I can have it someday, today wasnt the day.

I cant wait to move the little line on my weight tracker. I cant wait to be 199 again! Isnt that SICK!? Everyone seems to have goals of being 130 and Im all dorky wishing to just be out of the 200s. I remember one time I told myself Id never be over 200 again. And that is why you never say never.

Happy Feet!

Its about 11:13 pm, Saturday night and a few minutes ago I found myself walking around the kitchen, opening cupboards, the freezer, the fridge, just scouring for something to shove in my mouth to get that high...you know the one Im talking about, it feels sooooo good but makes you feel sooooo bad that it almost even wasnt worth the binge, except that it was? Yeah that one. Anyways, the thing is, I do the grocery shopping, I know whats in the kitchen and what isnt. I knew I wasnt going to find a bag of Lays potato chips but I knew there was dip left and some low calorie doritos. But alas, I had already used up that snack earlier today and honey child, I was NOT about to go back for seconds. Then it hit me: I am not hungry, I am bored. Once I figured that out, I promptly left the kitchen and came to this here spot to share this story, I dont know why, I mean, its hardly entertaining but I call this a stepping stone. Im on my way, people.

I didnt end up going to any restaurant today. But...I did know that I wanted to get some hair dye, and I did know that I wanted to go walking so I walked my butt to the nearest Sally Beauty Supply and got it. And let me tell you...that was a long walk. I took my pedometer and my total was 8339 steps,(3.9 miles) I was sweating so bad. I took a backpack with me and carried a big bottle of water, and some other stuff in there, like my keys.(Note to self: get smaller backpack.) I felt so excited for myself when I came home. Im inspired to do it again tomorrow, but Im thinking tomorrow I'll opt for a bike ride and then maybe I can start to alternate days and exercise. One day a walk, one day a bike ride. Im not really sure yet. But I do know that exercising makes a huge difference in how I feel about myself so I hope I can keep that with me when Im lacking motivation. I do need some new songs for the MP3 player so if any of you have ideas, please let me know.

Are any of you guys doing the Self challenge? Check out http://www.self.com/

The truth can hurt but it SO doesnt have to!

You know what I realized today, as I craved chips and dip more than anything in the world? I am impulsive. This can be good or bad or even both. But it sucks that not only am I an impulsive eater, I am a compulsive eater as well. Woe is me! I have to say that while admitting this to myself is very disappointing, it's somewhat liberating as well. Maybe thats why my diets, or lifestyle changes always fail, I do them on a spur of the moment thing and it works for awhile but since I never thought it all the way through, like from beginning, middle and end, it never works because I get discouraged and then ultimately, I give up.

Yep, folks, unfortch, thats me.

But I have no fear. Now I realize that while chips and dip are extremely bad for me, I love them too much(and maybe, just maybe, I have a dependency on them) to give up too soon. I need to gradually stop. So guess what. Today, I bought only one container of dip, and the smallest bag of chips I could find.(The ones that are usually about $.99. I swear they didnt have the .$25 bag!) And then, just to curb off future binges like the one youre reading about here, I bought a 6 pack of 100 calorie doritos. That way, should I get the urge to eat it again, I can have a small helping, be over it and not obsess. I think this is clever, and you know what, Im giving myself two points. (Im currently designing a chart that when I do something right, I give myself a certain number of points and when I reach my goal number I can either "cash" them in and get myself a pair of shoes or something or keep tallying them up. Corny yes, but heck, Im in desperation mode.) Like an alcoholic or a drug addict cannot be expected to become alcohol/drug free overnight...they have to attend rehab, and even then its not a guarantee that the problem is fixed. It is seriously something that they will always have to keep in check, and now I understand why it is called a lifestyle change. And be proud, because that container of dip is more than half full and sitting in my fridge right now. I think Im on to something.

I did go for a walk today but didnt get in nearly as much as I wanted to. Its funny, I used to read people saying they couldnt walk that far because they were so out of shape and then it got easier for those people. I felt so cocky, like, ha thatll never happen to me. Well, never say never, Reader, because it has happened to me! I am starting to see first hand how hard it is to make it a block without sitting down for a few minutes to catch my breath. But I'll get there.

I've also realized how I put things aside for tv. TV!?! Like today I wanted to take a shower, but I was drawn to this new show on VH1 called "The Agency"(its about a modeling agency of course, and them telling all the bone skinny girls they need to lose 10 pounds. That itself made me want to eat FOR them) and I hadnt seen this episode so I didnt want to take my shower. Then all of a sudden, Im telling myself, Seriously, like VH1 wont show this 50 more times this week alone, get off your arse and go shower! So I did and I realized how many times I must have done this when I wanted to exercise, or just plain get out of the house. Im a certified couch potato, and it sucks because I checked and it turns out, "couch potatos" arent employable. I have GOT to crawl out of this funk. Seriously, what has TV ever done for me?

Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im going shopping with my friend and we are going to lunch or dinner or wherever. But this is not why Im looking forward to it, its because its going to be a challenge to not order anything especially horrific!(aka LOADED with things my body doesnt want! Ok, well at least with things my body doesnt NEED!) I am going to order a salad. I am choosing a salad because I fully intend on having some thousand island dressing. So I'll forego(sp?) the fries, the chicken strips, all that crap so I can have my unhealthy salad.(But is stillllll better than the fries and grease. I have to make peace with the grease, people, otherwise my body is going to start holding me hostage.)

Ok and being unemployed, Im sorry and some of you may think less of me for not having a job, but anyways, it does not help with this whole eating healthier thing. Its a huge blow to the ego, I went from making decent money at a job to making horrible money without a job. Dont get me wrong, I am blessed to have the unemployment insurance, but I miss working! I keep praying that I will get the job that I am currently up for, it would mean the world to me, and it would be the start of a CAREER too, and ...well, keep your fingers crossed. When I called the unemployment office this morning to check on something the lady made me feel sooo bad about the situation, ugh, and she was so rude to me. It bothered me all day. I need to work on letting things go.

But I will be back tomorrow with my restaurant report, dont worry, I wont let you guys(or myself!) down!