Confession: Im stuck.

I know what youre thinking...I talk the talk but I dont walk the walk. Fear not, reader, I often think of these things about myself as well. I once referred to food as the horrible ex boyfriend that you know is so bad for you but youre so blinded that you keep going back.

I was doing so well before San Diego. I have to find that mind frame again. I am eating strawberries and I am throwing the medicine ball around but I am not doing enough. Its so bloody cold to bike ride and the elliptical is covered with Brandys things. I need to get back into my game. I am currently taking multivitamins which help immensely. I am shocked by how different I feel when I take them, like a sudden burst of energy flows right through me. Today when throwing the ball around with Brandy, I was so out of breath. I was telling her how my boyfriends brother uses a 20 pound one and she asked me how much the one we were using weighed. Imagine her reaction, when I admitted, "Four." She nearly died laughing at me. It was not the proudest moment. But yes, it was funny.

The nice thing about working at the hospital is that I am not just sitting on my butt. I am up and my heart is beating, from exercise or stress, I have yet to find out. The ER terrifies me because of the people that come in. I just have to remind myself that if I AM scared, imagine how THEY must feel, you know? I dont love my job, but I am grateful for it, to be working, and to be making new friends and meeting new people. They are intimidating, and I always think people judge me by my looks which is usually how it does work. Oh well, I just need to not get fired. I need to learn more. I am already dreading work tomorrow, but am trying to get into the mindset that if I am in this dreading frame of mind, its only going to get worse. I cant dread it.

Ok...so the Virgina Tech shooting? Popular topic today. My one friend is so bummed by it. I just...I really feel like 911 started some kind of desensitizing thing inside of me because for the love of God, I cannot grasp it or even want to. I read the articles and I am saddened for them, but 911 took all of my energy and sadness. When tragedies like these strike, I tend to dive myself into them and find out whatever I can and obsess about them. I dont want to do that this time. I actually want to distance myself from it. It may seem horribly selfish, and it probably is, but trust me, it took me approximately 3+ years to get over 911, and I still cannot watch a 911 related movie, newsclip or even read about it without getting goosebumps. And I did not even know anyone who was personally affected. I think what bothered me was the fact that so many people died because of hate. I'll never really understand it.

I cannot leave you on a sad note. So guess what. Ok, first, I was so terrified to do my taxes this year because I cashed in my 401K plan last year when I relocated across the country. Almost everyone told me that I would regret this, except for two friends who had actually done it before and told me that while I would be taxed on it, it wouldnt really be that big of a deal. So I found out today that I am getting $1800 back in taxes. I was so excited! You have no idea how broke I have been. God has been a real blessing to me. I have been broke almost the entire time my cousin has been here and she never hesistates to pick up the tab or go run and put money in my bank when Im scared something might bounce. I was ashamed to be so broke and almost angry at life when I realized how blessed I was to have a cousin that was so willing to help me out and not be greedy about ANYTHING. I plan on paying her back with my first paycheck this weeeek!!! So that was nice. And another thing, the hospital gives good benefits! They even cover hearing aids!! I am THRILLED about that. Having no thyroid gland has really affected my life and one of the side effects is progressive hearing loss. I am constantly saying things like, What? Pardon me, and it comes off as stupidity. I plan on getting the hearing aid as soon as I can.

Today at the hospital I helped a blind woman walk to the restroom and actually had to stay in there with her while she went...she was the sweetest woman. I just kept things professional and I told her about my hearing loss and she of course was empathetic but very encouraging. I had great respect for her. I felt kind of sheepish though because when I was walking her to the bathroom I stupidly said, "Hold on, let me turn on the light for you." Luckily, she didnt get pissed.

Ok good night yall! Leave comments!! :) I am a comment junkie! LOL