Confession: I have ruined my body.

We went to the Santa Barbara Zoo today and took this photo. I am on the left side. I think it looks cool but my face is HUGE, especially my cheeks!! LOL Oh well.

So...for the past few weeks I have been experiencing a horrible pain underneath my right breast that shoots all the way through to the right side of my back. I thought it was my bra so I switched to a sports bra for awhile but the pain continued. Last night after some Jack in the box, I was so nauseated that I laid on the couch and breathed deeply for awhile. My cousin asked me if I was tired and I told her that I just felt sick. She then asked me where my pain was and I pointed and knowing I had been complaining about it for awhile she gave me a look and told me it was more than likely my gallbladder. I was taken aback by that, although with my size, I really shouldnt be. She just had her gallbladder removed last summer so she was all too familiar with the symptoms so I trusted what she was saying. I ran to my computer to look up the symptoms and sure enough I had about 8 of the ten of them. I am devastated. I know its a minor procedure and that I shouldnt be worried and its not really that I am even worried, its more of a shameful thing, like, how could I have done this to myself? My body has never been this big and I just kept eating, ignoring its warnings, ignoring its protests for healthier foods. I did this to myself and now because of it I have to have a part of me removed. It just bothers me. Bad. And it hurts to sit up for long periods of time now, especially if I eat anything so ironically I am trying to not eat anything. My insurance kicks in the first of May, so I am trying to hold on until I can see a doctor that will direct me towards the next step. This is a real wake up call for me.

On a happier note, things are looking up. I am making friends at work, and one of them even called me today, I was so excited. My job terrifies me each day that I go in, I seriously get nervous even just thinking about it, I almost go into a full blown attack. But it doesnt have to be forever, I just have to pay my dues and move on up and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. I got my first paycheck, and my unemployment checks came through for those two weeks I was without money so that was really nice. My cousin is leaving Tuesday which sucks but I am glad she came. Also, my friend Kelly from my old job sent me a care package which was nice, it had a card and a BUNCH of Hello Kitty stuff in it!! :) I love stuff like that, it almost always makes me cry!

Ok Im off to read my new magazines I got today!

Confession: Im stuck.

I know what youre thinking...I talk the talk but I dont walk the walk. Fear not, reader, I often think of these things about myself as well. I once referred to food as the horrible ex boyfriend that you know is so bad for you but youre so blinded that you keep going back.

I was doing so well before San Diego. I have to find that mind frame again. I am eating strawberries and I am throwing the medicine ball around but I am not doing enough. Its so bloody cold to bike ride and the elliptical is covered with Brandys things. I need to get back into my game. I am currently taking multivitamins which help immensely. I am shocked by how different I feel when I take them, like a sudden burst of energy flows right through me. Today when throwing the ball around with Brandy, I was so out of breath. I was telling her how my boyfriends brother uses a 20 pound one and she asked me how much the one we were using weighed. Imagine her reaction, when I admitted, "Four." She nearly died laughing at me. It was not the proudest moment. But yes, it was funny.

The nice thing about working at the hospital is that I am not just sitting on my butt. I am up and my heart is beating, from exercise or stress, I have yet to find out. The ER terrifies me because of the people that come in. I just have to remind myself that if I AM scared, imagine how THEY must feel, you know? I dont love my job, but I am grateful for it, to be working, and to be making new friends and meeting new people. They are intimidating, and I always think people judge me by my looks which is usually how it does work. Oh well, I just need to not get fired. I need to learn more. I am already dreading work tomorrow, but am trying to get into the mindset that if I am in this dreading frame of mind, its only going to get worse. I cant dread it.

Ok...so the Virgina Tech shooting? Popular topic today. My one friend is so bummed by it. I just...I really feel like 911 started some kind of desensitizing thing inside of me because for the love of God, I cannot grasp it or even want to. I read the articles and I am saddened for them, but 911 took all of my energy and sadness. When tragedies like these strike, I tend to dive myself into them and find out whatever I can and obsess about them. I dont want to do that this time. I actually want to distance myself from it. It may seem horribly selfish, and it probably is, but trust me, it took me approximately 3+ years to get over 911, and I still cannot watch a 911 related movie, newsclip or even read about it without getting goosebumps. And I did not even know anyone who was personally affected. I think what bothered me was the fact that so many people died because of hate. I'll never really understand it.

I cannot leave you on a sad note. So guess what. Ok, first, I was so terrified to do my taxes this year because I cashed in my 401K plan last year when I relocated across the country. Almost everyone told me that I would regret this, except for two friends who had actually done it before and told me that while I would be taxed on it, it wouldnt really be that big of a deal. So I found out today that I am getting $1800 back in taxes. I was so excited! You have no idea how broke I have been. God has been a real blessing to me. I have been broke almost the entire time my cousin has been here and she never hesistates to pick up the tab or go run and put money in my bank when Im scared something might bounce. I was ashamed to be so broke and almost angry at life when I realized how blessed I was to have a cousin that was so willing to help me out and not be greedy about ANYTHING. I plan on paying her back with my first paycheck this weeeek!!! So that was nice. And another thing, the hospital gives good benefits! They even cover hearing aids!! I am THRILLED about that. Having no thyroid gland has really affected my life and one of the side effects is progressive hearing loss. I am constantly saying things like, What? Pardon me, and it comes off as stupidity. I plan on getting the hearing aid as soon as I can.

Today at the hospital I helped a blind woman walk to the restroom and actually had to stay in there with her while she went...she was the sweetest woman. I just kept things professional and I told her about my hearing loss and she of course was empathetic but very encouraging. I had great respect for her. I felt kind of sheepish though because when I was walking her to the bathroom I stupidly said, "Hold on, let me turn on the light for you." Luckily, she didnt get pissed.

Ok good night yall! Leave comments!! :) I am a comment junkie! LOL

Confession: I hate false advertising. And hospitals.

So today I went and checked the mail, right and I am quite giddy(yet somewhat disappointed) to learn that I have received a catalogue full of plus sized clothes. Sized 12 to like infinity. Naturally, I opened the catalogue and immediately I am disgusted. First, not only were the clothes really expensive and really ugly, but the models were all size 8's!!! What the hell! That really pissed me off, how are you going to send me a magazine for plus sized clothes and stick them on really skinny girls?! I am seriously thinking about writing the editor or whoever of that magazine and asking him what the hell he was thinking when he thought up his business. Was it something like, "Ok, I can charge fat allot of money for really ugly clothes but I dont want fat people in MY catalogue...."? I just couldnt believe my plus sized self.

(and the word youre looking for is...."Anywaaaaaaaays....)

The job is going interesting. I was in the ER all day yesterday helping register patients and well...thats sad. I hate seeing people in pain, and I hate the fact that the doctors dont even really seem to care. They detach themselves, which Im sure is a must for the job because if you get too emotionally involved it can strain your work. But I am the opposite, I get attached. This one girl got assaulted by her friend and she was understandably upset and so I went in and talked to her and told her about the time my supposed best friends boyfriend assaulted ME and how they are still together. She was shocked by that and I still cant decide if I should have told her but I told her it sucks to feel betrayed like that and she was going to be angry and sad for awhile but she will get better, and I told her to get a journal and write shit down. Then this other guy came in and he almost made me cry because he had cancer and he was soooo sick and he only spoke spanish and the nurse who was "helping" him was taking down his information while laughing. I just thought that was SOOOO unprofessional. I actually wanted to smack her. Im sorry, but rude people piss me off.

Ok, no real diet news. On a self esteem note, I look awfully pretty today. Tee hee.

Soaking up the suN!

Today, I swam 20 laps. Ok, like 10 if you count back and forth as 1 lap. But still, I got some exercise and it was fuuuuun. I had forgotten how much I love swimming! It took me forever to get into the pool though because I was too embarrassed to strip down into my suit and show off my adipose. Teehee. My cousin said she is so grateful that she does not have that problem, I wish I didnt either. She accepts her body as is, says life is too short to dread every step of the way. Its funny, she does things that I am too scared or uncomfortable to do. She makes me feel like I have been hiding from life and I have, I know it, but still...the truth can be a bitch sometimes you know? LOL

So what are some exercises to do in a pool besides laps? Any suggestions? Im sure I can find some on the web.

I start my new job tomorrow at 8am. Im kind of stoked to be working again. Something to do everyday you know? Itll be nice. Plus, I am so sick of being broke and I hate, hate hate asking my boyfriend for money even though I know he will give it to me. Its a pride thing, I guess.

I slept in so late today because I was up so late. Easter was awesome, it was my first Easter with my boyfriend so I got him the prettiest basket and filled it with stuff that he likes, like Arizona Green Tea cans and a Spiderman chocolate bunny and an umbrella full of jelly beans, and this card that I thought was the CUTEST thing until other people saw it and pointed out that the rabbits were having sex. I had thought they were CUDDLING!!!!! Oh well. He was soooo flattered and that was the best part for me. He even wrote me the cutest little letter which I love so all in all it was a fantabulous easter :)

Ok I hope to have some more exercise deets for you guys later, but until then, I hope you are having a wonderful Monday!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

Not only is this blog under my construction but my whole life is as well. I need one of those orange signs on my back lol. Its like, Please excuse the mess, Im working on it!

I am seriously still investigating this pilates. The more I read the book, the more into it I get. I would really like to try doing a pilates video for beginners or even a yoga video. Reader, I have so many exercise videos though, its honestly a waste of money to purchase another. So maybe now I'll just follow what the book tells me and when I am ready I will purchase a video as a treat. Notice that I said "when" and not "if."

So I havent lost any weight but guess what, I am not pigging out either. Though I must admit, its because I no longer have the money to spend on my binges. My unemployment was cut off and I have about $11 lol and I REFUSE to spend it on chips and dip and candy and all that crap that my body doesnt need. I swear, that crap is slowly killing me. Sometimes I can hear it slowly singing that "Killing me softly." song. Its funny.

Ok so today I had to go get my TB test read. I scoped around the hospital and I am happy to report that I found a bike rack. I plan on riding the bike to work as often as I can. Itll take about 20 minutes versus approx 3 in the car. What Im left with is how to keep from getting sweaty and all ugly at work you know? Its not a professional job or anything, because Ive seen what the other people wear, but still, I would like to look as professional as possible. Maybe bring a change of clothes? If you have any suggestions, let me know as they would be greatly appreciated.

Im nervous about my new job to be honest. The boss seems like she will be hard to work for. Im worried she will think I am stupid or something but at the same time, its new and interesting and hopefully I can do my best and she will appreciate it. She told me on my interview she hopes to move me to medical billing as soon as possible which means a pay raise, which will be good. I just have to start this pilates thing ASAP or go walking before work or SOMETHING because exercise makes me more confident in myself.

Ok, Im off like a prom dress. Hope you guys have a happy Easter. :)~ Easy on the chocolate!

Bombshell in training!

I am yearning to listen to some really good instrumental music. In my pilates book, it says to relax the mind and encourages relaxing music so that you dont lose your focus. Focus is what it seems to be all about. Almost everything about dieting or lifestyle changing or even life itself is all about the mind. Everythings mental. I need to get my mental state to where I only crave veggies and skim milk and fruits and lean meats. If Hilary Duff could do it, why cant I?

I went walking today--up the biggest hill ever. Tomorrow I plan on doing it again. I just need to tone down the eating. Today was one of those days where I looked in the mirror and was liking what I saw. I mean, yes, Im heavy and thats not the part I liked but I sometimes get conceited and tell myself I would be a bombshell if I could just lose this weight. Sigh. Why cant I just be a bombshell in the moment you know? Oh well. Ill get there, maybe not tomorrow but soon enough. Just watch.

Ok now here is a topic that may be too personal for some of you to talk about or read about but I am going to write about it anyways: Fat sex.

Ew.

I happened to be blessed with a boyfriend who loves me for me. I love that. He has stayed with me at my very lowest weight and my very highest weight and always says Im beautiful. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. But...he likes to have sex...like, with MY clothes off and the lights ON. And he is not skinny, nor is he fat, he honestly is just in the middle. Well anyways, maybe it doesnt gross him out but it grosses me out FOR HIM. I dont know how to get over this. I want to be confident in bed, but its hard when the closet doors have mirrors on them and you cant escape yourself to get caught up in the moment even just once, and you have to do it with your eyes closed, because gosh help you if you catch a glimpse of yourself or the whole situation in the mirrors, then the mood is just going to be G-O-N-E. My resolution so far is to be "a top" which does not mean what you think it means. It means, "Ok I'll do it, but my shirt is staying on." Thats not spontaneous or sexy or romantic, heck, I dont even think it falls into the "cute" category. It brings me back to that comment my one friend made, "Its ok to be plus-sized but you have to have confidence with it." Reason 10202938 that I must lose weight: To have a healthy sex life. Seriously, theres only so much the pretty Bath and Body works lotions can do.

Ok, I'll move on.

I had a physical, a pee test and a TB injection today. The physical was uncomfortable. I had to do all kinds of things, including strip down to my bra and panties,(dont worry they gave me one of those slip thingies that are made for anorexic people, so as not to be TOTALLY embarrassed as half of me was covered.) and what freaked me out more is that I had to touch my toes. I was just waiting for the doctor to ask me to spell RUN. I just felt violated because my job at the hospital isnt even going to be a nurse or something, Im just going to be the one admitting the patients. Can you imagine what they must do to the real staff?!

My cousin and I are having fun. I am broke as can be though, and Im running out of ideas !! ELP-HAY!

Wow, what a nice two days it has been. Just as I suspected, I feel better having a friend in town. She immediatlely jumped into our jacuzzi and is in her glory lol. Thats right, my complex has a jacuzzi and today was the first time I stepped foot into it. I was so embarrassed too. Its funny, she encouraged me to buy a bathing suit. Its the first time I bought one in I dont even know how long.(Wow, today is allot of firsts huh?!) She told me that if I would just get out in the mornings, lay out and then swim I would be fine but I just needed to get out instead of laying myself up in the house because Im too ashamed of the way I look to step out. Its true. I need to get out more. Anyways, as for the bathing suit, I actually look decent in it. We plan on doing water aerobics tomorrow, and actually, for the rest of her trip.

I was thinking these past few days that I think negatively too much, and I constantly worry. My mind is full of unhappiness. So I decided to look into some yoga or pilates, one or the other because Ive heard it can work wonders on the mind. Well, today I was at a second hand store and I found a book on pilates and the stability ball. Since I have a ball, I purchased the book and Im listening to relaxing music while reading it. I decided if I really want to change, and I want this change to last, then I should start with my mind. I should be my own support system, my own backbone, the one that I turn to when I disappoint myself. I need to be able to walk myself through the bad times instead of always throwing in the towel. Listening to instrumental music is inspiring because I visualize myself swimming with dolphins or whales. OMG, it sooo relaxes me. Also, we shopped til we dropped today, and my feet are sore. Whether its from my shoes or the fact that my weight is seriously starting to affect how I literally carry myself, I dont know. But all I can tell my body is not to worry, Help is on the way!!

I...am....so....tired.

Randomness.

I'll be updating this blog all day, so keep checking me back.

First, so ok, I thought Id be cool and go and update my blog look right? Reader, it scared the crap out of me because when I did it, it erased all of my sidebar stuff and I nearly pissed myself! But then I kept pushing all of these links and well one link led to the next and ah-ha Im baacck!! I shall never take this here blog for granted again!

All Ive had to eat today is two waffles. Soooo carby. Im needing to get back to kicking the carbs which is what Bran will have me doing when she gets here later today(eeek! company!!) Im excited, yes, but guess what else? After yesterdays dreadful day, and how broke I am, I talked to God allot and today I was blessed with a check for $190! I am so thrilled by that. Ive also had two job prospects open up. I know Im supposed to be starting the other one on Monday but these other ones will have hours that will allow me to attend some evening classes here in town. Ive waited a year because I had to be a resident and I really want to meet other people...so we shall see!!

Back to basics!

(I love white lillies! For Valentines Day, my boyfriend got me a dozen of them and this was the last one of the bunch! Its so beautiful and it put a smile on my face and I hope it does the same for you!)

Todays inspiration: Sarah , Kelly Ripa and my old blogs!

I often go to my friend Sarahs blog. Its funny, I wanted to be the writer, but she actually IS a writer so naturally I love reading what she has to say. We have been friends for about 5 years now(has it been that long!?) since I moved upstairs from her and my mom made her introduce herself to me so that I would know my neighbors. She was sooooo nice to me(still is!) Anyways, she wrote how she loves getting up and going for Saturday morning bike rides. She doesnt say if she goes with anyone, so I can only imagine that she goes it alone. Just...by...herself. I love this. I wish I could be that type of person. It seems like I constantly need someone there to push me further or else I collapse because no one is there to push me. I need to be told what to do...its disappointing to realize that I dont have a mind of my own. So, through reading Sarahs blog, I decided I need to be more independent. Start doing things for me. I need to start holding myself accountable because this is why I always fail. The second someone stops checking in on me, I am checking out of myself. And then the guilt follows and then the next thing you know, Im in a depression again. Its taken me 25 years to fully understand this about myself. I refuse to waste anymore time "figuring myself out." I know what I want. The most important goal of mine is to lose this weight, once and for all. Hopefully along the way, I can move forward with other goals as well. But this is my number one goal for now, maybe the most vain, but its mine, and if it means I am a vain person than so be it.

I chose Kelly Ripa as the other inspiration for today because I received my new Shape magazine and she is the cover girl for this month. I loved her article! She gave me ideas on how to eat more better and actually gave recipes that I was interested in. She just seems sooooo down to Earth. Its cool too because they give you these recipes to try. I love BLT's but I NEVER eat them because the bacon part freaks me out. But hark, Kelly states she uses turkey bacon. I had never even thought of that!! LOL Its the little things that will add up, and I am starting to feel allot better.

And finally, I chose my older blogs because I was so inspired and alive when I was writing them. It made me realize to always go back to the basics when Im doubting myself.

I fell off the wagon. But I am getting back on, and this time, I am fastening the seatbelt.(Does a wagon have a seat belt?) My cousin will be here tomorrow, and Im scared of her reaction of me but she will get over it and then help me out. Itll be nice therapy.

Meanwhile, I talked to another cousin of mine yesterday who is a size 2 lol and told her about my weight gain. Its amazing, the more people I tell, the more in control I feel. People are supportive. She told me "WHO CARES?!" LOL She says I hide out too much, and that I should get out more. Today I had such a bad morning and she offered to come and get me(she lives 5 hours away) and to take me wherever I want to go and I wouldnt have to pay for anything. While I appreciated the gesture, I declined because, well, Im getting company tomorrow.

So Im going to start living more. Im FAT, not dead!