You know what I realized today, as I craved chips and dip more than anything in the world? I am impulsive. This can be good or bad or even both. But it sucks that not only am I an impulsive eater, I am a compulsive eater as well. Woe is me! I have to say that while admitting this to myself is very disappointing, it's somewhat liberating as well. Maybe thats why my diets, or lifestyle changes always fail, I do them on a spur of the moment thing and it works for awhile but since I never thought it all the way through, like from beginning, middle and end, it never works because I get discouraged and then ultimately, I give up.
Yep, folks, unfortch, thats me.
But I have no fear. Now I realize that while chips and dip are extremely bad for me, I love them too much(and maybe, just maybe, I have a dependency on them) to give up too soon. I need to gradually stop. So guess what. Today, I bought only one container of dip, and the smallest bag of chips I could find.(The ones that are usually about $.99. I swear they didnt have the .$25 bag!) And then, just to curb off future binges like the one youre reading about here, I bought a 6 pack of 100 calorie doritos. That way, should I get the urge to eat it again, I can have a small helping, be over it and not obsess. I think this is clever, and you know what, Im giving myself two points. (Im currently designing a chart that when I do something right, I give myself a certain number of points and when I reach my goal number I can either "cash" them in and get myself a pair of shoes or something or keep tallying them up. Corny yes, but heck, Im in desperation mode.) Like an alcoholic or a drug addict cannot be expected to become alcohol/drug free overnight...they have to attend rehab, and even then its not a guarantee that the problem is fixed. It is seriously something that they will always have to keep in check, and now I understand why it is called a lifestyle change. And be proud, because that container of dip is more than half full and sitting in my fridge right now. I think Im on to something.
I did go for a walk today but didnt get in nearly as much as I wanted to. Its funny, I used to read people saying they couldnt walk that far because they were so out of shape and then it got easier for those people. I felt so cocky, like, ha thatll never happen to me. Well, never say never, Reader, because it has happened to me! I am starting to see first hand how hard it is to make it a block without sitting down for a few minutes to catch my breath. But I'll get there.
I've also realized how I put things aside for tv. TV!?! Like today I wanted to take a shower, but I was drawn to this new show on VH1 called "The Agency"(its about a modeling agency of course, and them telling all the bone skinny girls they need to lose 10 pounds. That itself made me want to eat FOR them) and I hadnt seen this episode so I didnt want to take my shower. Then all of a sudden, Im telling myself, Seriously, like VH1 wont show this 50 more times this week alone, get off your arse and go shower! So I did and I realized how many times I must have done this when I wanted to exercise, or just plain get out of the house. Im a certified couch potato, and it sucks because I checked and it turns out, "couch potatos" arent employable. I have GOT to crawl out of this funk. Seriously, what has TV ever done for me?
Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im going shopping with my friend and we are going to lunch or dinner or wherever. But this is not why Im looking forward to it, its because its going to be a challenge to not order anything especially horrific!(aka LOADED with things my body doesnt want! Ok, well at least with things my body doesnt NEED!) I am going to order a salad. I am choosing a salad because I fully intend on having some thousand island dressing. So I'll forego(sp?) the fries, the chicken strips, all that crap so I can have my unhealthy salad.(But is stillllll better than the fries and grease. I have to make peace with the grease, people, otherwise my body is going to start holding me hostage.)
Ok and being unemployed, Im sorry and some of you may think less of me for not having a job, but anyways, it does not help with this whole eating healthier thing. Its a huge blow to the ego, I went from making decent money at a job to making horrible money without a job. Dont get me wrong, I am blessed to have the unemployment insurance, but I miss working! I keep praying that I will get the job that I am currently up for, it would mean the world to me, and it would be the start of a CAREER too, and ...well, keep your fingers crossed. When I called the unemployment office this morning to check on something the lady made me feel sooo bad about the situation, ugh, and she was so rude to me. It bothered me all day. I need to work on letting things go.
But I will be back tomorrow with my restaurant report, dont worry, I wont let you guys(or myself!) down!
