LOL I posted this picture because I love how happy I am. I was about 5 years old I think. Chubby but happy because I was at the beach with my parents. Im sorry but I think Im the cutest little girl. Look at my afro! LMAO I have curly hair to this day but its longer now, and I try to straighten it when I can. Ok moving on.
I havent been doing all that well. I keep listening to Carrie Underwoods new song, "Wasted." (Im the biggest Carrie Underwood fan, lol) That song speaks to me somehow. Anyways, these past few days have been hard and I feel like I am just getting beat down. I gained those 3 pounds back, dammit, and it depressed me. We have a houseguest now, and lets just say that I am less than thrilled about that. Stressed out? Heck yes. I talk to God every day and ask him to talk to me, but either he is and I cant hear him or he's waiting to answer me. Im not sure and Im not even angry about it. He knows how I feel and what I feel. I am still so homesick. Ive been in California for about 10 months now and I have no friends and just my boyfriends company. Its lonely. And because of that, I keep turning to food. I accepted a job where the people seem soooo nice, and I would love to work there, I guess, but at the same time, I would love to go home even more. The place where Im going to work is an hour away and the pay is decent, nothing really to write home about. I kind of feel like the money isnt worth it, because its only going to pay for my gas to get to and from them. On the other hand though, its for a great company and who knows what opportunities may arise from that? A part of me questions whether I really want to stick around to find out. I mean, no matter what, I'll still miss my parents, my family and my friends. No matter what opportunity comes from this job, I strongly doubt this yearning for home will go away.
It just sucks that I have gotten so fat. I cant go home. I know many of you think that Im being silly or whatever, but its true. Thank God I finally confessed of my weight gain to my cousin who will be here soon. That made me feel a tad better. I wish I could tell my mother, but she will be so gossipy about it. I know I shouldnt care, but thats how it was when I was growing up. My weight defined the person everyone thought I was, so now in my adult life, it feels like thats how it is EVERY DAY. Frustrating. And why do I miss people like this? Well...its like my friends wouldnt care, and really my dad probably wouldnt either but my mom...my mom. I think what I fear more than anything is that when we get into an argument day she will use the dreaded "F" word(FAT!) towards me and itll hurt me again. She hasnt done that in a long time, because I was losing so successfully. And my Aunt M...OMG, she would die if she saw me, she would shake her head in disappointment. She spent sooo much time with me, helping me. It sucks. I wish I never would have moved here.
Ok, on a diet note, I am going walking at 230ish with Patricks mom. That should be fun, I could sure use the company. I'll try to update more. Hopefully get out of this funk soon!
It just sucks that I have gotten so fat. I cant go home. I know many of you think that Im being silly or whatever, but its true. Thank God I finally confessed of my weight gain to my cousin who will be here soon. That made me feel a tad better. I wish I could tell my mother, but she will be so gossipy about it. I know I shouldnt care, but thats how it was when I was growing up. My weight defined the person everyone thought I was, so now in my adult life, it feels like thats how it is EVERY DAY. Frustrating. And why do I miss people like this? Well...its like my friends wouldnt care, and really my dad probably wouldnt either but my mom...my mom. I think what I fear more than anything is that when we get into an argument day she will use the dreaded "F" word(FAT!) towards me and itll hurt me again. She hasnt done that in a long time, because I was losing so successfully. And my Aunt M...OMG, she would die if she saw me, she would shake her head in disappointment. She spent sooo much time with me, helping me. It sucks. I wish I never would have moved here.
Ok, on a diet note, I am going walking at 230ish with Patricks mom. That should be fun, I could sure use the company. I'll try to update more. Hopefully get out of this funk soon!
3 comments:
My heart is entirely crying for you! How can someone who is miserable fully make a change for themselves? It seems like you won't come home till you lose weight, but I think you won't lose the weight till you come home. How sad and tragic it seems to me. Remember that I've got a room for you if you want to come home.
Isn't it so hard to stop doing and thinking the things we were raised to do? I don't eat in unhappiness, but I eat for comfort, because growing up, my best moments with my fam was walking in and everyone sitting around a freshly opened bag of chips. So I would join, and we'd talk, and eat. I miss that feeling.
The horrible thing is I feel like I'd love to look like you (not just your "cute face" either but everything!) because you have real curve and you look so much more pretty at your weight than I do at mine!
I also moved to Cali. I did this when I was 24 and lived with my boyfriend. I remember being told once it doesn't matter where you are... If your not happy with yourself you aren't going to be happy anywhere. Just a thought...
Hahahha... I love the picture.. but you were not even close to being chubby.. let me find a pic of me at that age and I'll show you chubby!! You couldnt even see my knees!!!
Anyway, on a more serious note... I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. It is never easy being far from home. I moved to Florida with my boyfriend when I was 22. My parents lived in Arizona. I lasted 6 months before packing up my stuff and RUNNNING home. (well, I flew home but you get the idea) I knew I was there for the wrong reason though. As for the weightloss... well that usually follows our lifestyle. If we are happy, we tend to lose weight faster. If we are sad and depressed , we dont lose weight, or worse, we gain. My advice would be to find something there that is fun. That gets you out of the house and meeting people. Go to a park with a walking trail...to a skating rink... to a volleyball game... Get out of the house and start getting active. Whether its physical or just getting to know people. When you start feeling better, you will start losing the weight.
As for mom.. I kinda know the feeling. I am the heaviest in the family and often get looked at and talked about in silence. What is worse is that I come from a family of models. Yup.. my mom and aunt both were models in the 60's , 70's and 80's... I guess it was taken for granted that I would just come out ready to walk the runways! HA The only advice I can offer about that is put all that anger and frustration into losing the weight. BUT dont do it for them. Do it because you know you deserve it. Because you want to be healthy and happy. Because you have faith in yourself!
Good luck.. I'm here for you!
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