Wow.

So...really, this should be a diary entry as I have many a thing to say.

First, I lost half a pound! Yay! I know thats really small but its a start! My goal right now is 2 pounds a week, which should take me just under 200 by my 26th birthday. Good for me. The cravings for chip and dip and that icky cheese salsa have faded. I am noticing my body responds more to healthy things, and I am trying to respect its wishes. I know I'll have chips and dip again, but I also know that when I have the urge, I'll use a 99 cent bag instead of the huge ones and only eat a small amount of the dip. They are no longer my weakness. As for you, Mr Salsa Con Queso, you and I are done. Good riddance. Also, I have noticed that chewing gum helps to ward off binging.

Did you guys watch Oprah today? I RARELY watch that show. I like Oprah, but I like it more when she is talking to real people with real problems and lately she always has celebrities on, but that wasnt the case today. The show was entitled, "Suddenly Skinny." It was about people who had gastric bypass thinking that would solve their problems, but afterwards they only had more problems because their addictions had to go towards something else. One lady became promiscuous while another became an alcoholic. I was watching the show in awe, and the main message was: You have to find out what the real issue is thats making you overeat before you make any drastic changes.(i.e. the surgery.) It was an excellent show. I have an addictive personality like that. I wouldnt ever want to have that surgery though, because well, I never want to have any type of surgery. lol Im a baby when it comes to that stuff. So now I am on a mission to find out why I use(d) food as a way out, what I was hiding from and how to change all of that. I didnt have the best childhood, but I didnt have the worst childhood either, so it cant really be that, can it? I hate thinking about that because while my parents were mean to my sister and I and each other as kids, I get along with them now and I dont want to start anything. I think what I am addicted to is Positive Attention, or Approval addiction. I want everyone to approve of me, everyone to like me. As a child, since I was about 5 I was always called fat, by my parents, by my sister, and other family members as well as the public. So since I was 5 I have thought of myself as fat. Ive never really known myself to be anything other than that, it was almost as if Fat was my fate. Anytime I got in an argument or tried to defend myself, the first thing someone else said was, "Youre fat." It was like, Oh Im fat, so I must not mean anything. Shit like that. I dont understand why this would drive me to eat MORE though. If anything you would think that it would make me want to eat LESS. And I always get that look where people look you up and down, and they dont even try to hide it. That look makes me feel...worthless. One time when I was losing weight, I shifted my emptiness to shopping and acquired a huge amount of debt. Its embarrassing especially now that I am fat and broke. Boy when it rains it pours huh? I guess the hardest part is knowing that I did this to myself. No one injected thousands of calories into my veins and no one placed a gun to my head and forced me to shop. I did it all on my own. Its hard and even as I write this, I do want to cry but Im thankful that I am figuring stuff out. I contacted one of the collectors today and they have agreed to give me a year to pay off what I owe and while its going to be a struggle, Im going to just keep praying and working on it. I pray that I get the job I am up for because I really need the money and it would just be nice to finally have a career. I really hope they give me a chance.

Ok, so for today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread, and a bag of 100 calorie cheetos and a glass of milk. I've also taken my multi vitamin. Later, I'll snack on a pair and get some exercise. I was out running errands all today. I donated a bunch of books to the library and trust me, that was excercise all in itself because I also had a box of books that were due. So I had to make two trips to my car and back and I was panting. I wish I could have seen myself!

This months issue of Fitness magazine was the most informative yet! It had this article that gave you 9 signs on why you might be diabetic and I have like 6 of them! Geez!