Chasing cars.

The truth hurts. Really hurts. Yesterday I made my boyfriend take a picture of me in my bath towel and while I couldnt believe what my eyes saw, I COULD. But just because you are prepared for something to feel bad doesnt mean it hurts any less. I cannot believe I let myself go. Its very disappointing.

I have difficulties doing the most random things, things I used to be able to do, like putting pants on, tying my shoes and getting off the couch. I hate it. Yet, this misery seems to make me head straight to the refrigerator. Thank God I dont buy chips and dip anymore. That was a horrible snack.

But at least now...well, today I asked my boyfriend if he would join me in not eating fast food for a month. He thought about it for a second and then said he would do it. Now, I have no idea if HE will stick to it or not, but, I know I will because I do well when I have someone to answer to.

The job is going good. I already got moved up, but I dont start that position until June 4th. Thats exciting but Im really nervous. On the other hand, I have to remind myself, I never thought Id be able to handle the E.R. on my own and I do it, every day and I do it well. So I just have to give myself some time.

Guess what else? I went to Fashion Bug yesterday and got three things right, without trying them on first.(Big mistake!) And dont get me wrong, they fit, but I look so unattractive that I am not allowing myself to keep the clothes. I am taking them back tomorrow. I told myself that I cannot condone being this big, that it has to stop and buying cute clothes in my size isnt helping. So what did I do next? I went and bought these cute size 10 pants that I had been eyeing at the store lately(and for only $11) That was always my goal. To be a size 10. So its back to that goal. I want to be healthy. I want to make me proud of ME. I want to start writing even if nothing ever gets published, writing is something that I love to do and Im going to do it. Im going to take care of myself. This is my promise to me.

I will fit into those size 10 pants, dammit.