Best wishes, Monica!

Ho hum. Its 10:43 pm. My boyfriend is sound asleep, all snuggled up in the bed so that he can get up at the crack of dawn and head off to work. Me? Im up, and am trying like heck to avoid the kitchen. So I started painting a picture frame. I have to admit, I drank Capri Sun while painting but that is far better than eating chips and salsa or chips and dip which my body is craving for right now. Its rare that I have anything but water and Capri Sun brings back memories for me, so I sip away. But I swear, even as the kitchen is waaaay on the other side of the house, I can hear the frozen tater tots calling my name. I actually went and got them out and was putting them on the pan and I could hear the skinny wannabe side of me going, Dont do it, girl. Youre going to regret it in the morning. So I put them back. Yep, Reader, I put them back and I was so proud that I almost skipped to the computer to share it all with you this major step. I didnt because after I got done painting a wee bit, I still found myself lurking around the kitchen. Have no fear, because I have yet to binge tonight. Good for me.

When my boyfriend was on the graveyard shift, he would leave by nine o clock every night. It was weird, because I hated to see him go but at the same time, a part of me was counting down until his truck pulled out of the apartment gate and he was on his merrily way. I feel like such a hypocrite, too, now writing this, but when he would be leaving, I would be dressed like I was going to bed. I mean, decked out in a robe or whatever. But as soon as he was gone, the robe was off, the fat pants were on, and then the wide width shoes, keys in hand and I was out the door, to the nearest opened location to buy chips and dip. And sometimes, a microwave pizza. I knew this would be gone by the time he came home the next morning, all the "evidence" stuffed into a plastic bag and already in the trash bin just outside our apartment. He'd never suspect a thing, Id tell myself. Honestly, I wish he had. I knew I was going to be hitting rock bottom, and I needed help and I do better with gentle confrontation. I remember now how those store clerks used to look at me...with a look of pity and disgust. Poor fat girl. No one to love her, no one but this here bag of chips(Lays, the wavy kind, you know in the red bag that taunt you with that "20% more!" claim) and two containers of dip.(the dip by itself totaled 110 grams of fat!) I hated that look, it always made me want to cry, and scream at them but make them understand how lonely I was/am. But they didnt care, and I guess, neither did I. Just ring me up and I'll go home and read my Fitness magazine now, thank you.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I constantly ask myself, How did I get here? When was that moment that I stopped caring about myself, that exact moment that I couldnt control, ok maybe didnt want to control what I was putting in my mouth? When did food start tasting better than life? I cannot pinpoint any moment, and I guess, even if I could, I cannot change anything in the past. Id still be where I am today, fat and unsatisfied and sitting in the computer chair, writing about it.


I used to think that I feared death. Lately, I am beginning to realize that I do not fear death, not really, but I fear dying fat. I fear what the obitiuaries will say,(Obese woman dies while working out!) what will people say("She always had SUCH a pretty face!")...I fear that even on my deathbed, all people are going to talk about is how fat I look in my coffin. Isnt that horrible or worse, vain? A part of me wants to laugh, though, because I can just picture my relatives burying me in something black so that I'll look more slim :) Theyll probably ask the mortitioner if he can put me on the South Beach diet to get the bloated look off my face. Sigh.


Too much depressing crap, huh!? Ok, well my boyfriend and I went walking for 2 miles today! Hey, thats allot for a girl who can barely move her left leg because I went ape shit on the elliptical machine the other day! I am going to try to go walking first thing in the morning and then again later at night tomorrow....I can do this, I know it.


This is a picture of a cake(MMMMM cake! It was the yummiest cake ever too!) My parents got it for me before I moved to California but I wanted to put it up for myself now as some sort of expression of good will!

Late night blogging vs late night binging.

Obviously, if you ever have to choose between blogging and binging, you should choose the blogging. A lesson I learned very well tonight when I foolishly chose binging(on tortilla chips and nacho cheese, for crying out loud!) Its weird too. The way I secretly eat. I waited for my boyfriend to go to bed and got up and quietly opened the bag of chips and the container of Tostitos salsa con Queso...I mean, it was like I was committing a crime! I felt so guilty the whole time too, I dont know why I do it to that extreme.

When I was a kid, whenever I would sit down to eat, somebody would always make mean comments to me, like, Do you really need that? or Arent you fat enough? (and it was usually my family.) So maybe thats why I eat in a hurry and in private? To eat a peaceful "meal"? I swear, my heart is racing the whole time Im eating whatever it is I know I shouldnt be eating, like any minute now my mother is going to bust through my front door and condemn me to all hell. It scares the crap outta me, but all the while, Im still shoveling that food down my throat. I know this has to change. My affair with food cannot go on forever. Its like having that one significant other...you know they are not good for you, but you cannot let it go. Its like it feels so good to be sooo bad. I used to think, Ha, I would never let a man treat me like I am nothing. But you know what, I realize now, I treat myself like I am nothing. Really, I should be having my own back. My body is mine forever, and I should take care of it. Why is it so much easier said than done? I know to eat healthy but my body craves the unhealthiest foods, or maybe my mind does. I cant decide anymore. I was trying so hard to get away from chips and dip that I got myself addicted to more crap. Cigarette smokers have the nicotene patch. Where are our weight loss patches? How about it, already, science?

The one thing that is nice about being fat is that you see people for who they really are. When youre thin and sporting the model look, everyone kisses your ass(it seems like that to me anyways) But when youre fat, the [few]people who are nice to you are usually the genuinely good hearted people. The people who treat you like you are nothing or worse yet, refuse to even acknowledge your existence, those are the people who are counterfeit. My boyfriend has been with me for 4+ years, and I love him for it. He met me when I was fat, stayed with me while I --and my weight--fluctuated, and everyday that we are together, he is telling me that I am beautiful, that he loves me and all that good stuff. I know I got lucky with him. He is good people. I am thankful for that. I always thought that when I found a nice man, Id drop the weight but it hasnt happened, permanently, anyways. Which means something is still missing.

Its funny. When I moved to California, like I mentioned in an earlier post, I was on my way to thin. I was loving life. People seemed to like me more. My own family seemed more accepting of me, there was no more throwing it up in my face that I was fat, because even though I was still chunky, I wasnt as big as I had been(or as big as I am now.) I was close to my cousin always though, she has loved me through the roughest patches in my life, fat or thin, it never mattered. I had an aunt that was working with me, who helped me whip into shape. I felt close to her, but now that I have gained this weight, she is the first person that I have fought to keep this horrible secret from. I dont know what she will do, but I hate the idea of disappointing her, or anyone for that matter, but her because she brought me so far and then I bounced back. Its hard keeping this a secret but when I confessed to my cousin, she was ok with it. Not thrilled but not horrified either. She is one of two people who know this awful secret. (and now all of you guys, lol)

So, its 3:40 am. I should sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I am hoping my leg will heal up so I can get back to exercising. If you guys have any tips as to how to ward off binges, please let me know, it would be so helpful!

Oh yeah---I went to the animal shelter today determined to get a kitty, and I saw one and fell in love with him, and guess what his name is? MOO!! Even the animals are trying to tell me something!!!