Bombshell in training!

I am yearning to listen to some really good instrumental music. In my pilates book, it says to relax the mind and encourages relaxing music so that you dont lose your focus. Focus is what it seems to be all about. Almost everything about dieting or lifestyle changing or even life itself is all about the mind. Everythings mental. I need to get my mental state to where I only crave veggies and skim milk and fruits and lean meats. If Hilary Duff could do it, why cant I?

I went walking today--up the biggest hill ever. Tomorrow I plan on doing it again. I just need to tone down the eating. Today was one of those days where I looked in the mirror and was liking what I saw. I mean, yes, Im heavy and thats not the part I liked but I sometimes get conceited and tell myself I would be a bombshell if I could just lose this weight. Sigh. Why cant I just be a bombshell in the moment you know? Oh well. Ill get there, maybe not tomorrow but soon enough. Just watch.

Ok now here is a topic that may be too personal for some of you to talk about or read about but I am going to write about it anyways: Fat sex.

Ew.

I happened to be blessed with a boyfriend who loves me for me. I love that. He has stayed with me at my very lowest weight and my very highest weight and always says Im beautiful. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. But...he likes to have sex...like, with MY clothes off and the lights ON. And he is not skinny, nor is he fat, he honestly is just in the middle. Well anyways, maybe it doesnt gross him out but it grosses me out FOR HIM. I dont know how to get over this. I want to be confident in bed, but its hard when the closet doors have mirrors on them and you cant escape yourself to get caught up in the moment even just once, and you have to do it with your eyes closed, because gosh help you if you catch a glimpse of yourself or the whole situation in the mirrors, then the mood is just going to be G-O-N-E. My resolution so far is to be "a top" which does not mean what you think it means. It means, "Ok I'll do it, but my shirt is staying on." Thats not spontaneous or sexy or romantic, heck, I dont even think it falls into the "cute" category. It brings me back to that comment my one friend made, "Its ok to be plus-sized but you have to have confidence with it." Reason 10202938 that I must lose weight: To have a healthy sex life. Seriously, theres only so much the pretty Bath and Body works lotions can do.

Ok, I'll move on.

I had a physical, a pee test and a TB injection today. The physical was uncomfortable. I had to do all kinds of things, including strip down to my bra and panties,(dont worry they gave me one of those slip thingies that are made for anorexic people, so as not to be TOTALLY embarrassed as half of me was covered.) and what freaked me out more is that I had to touch my toes. I was just waiting for the doctor to ask me to spell RUN. I just felt violated because my job at the hospital isnt even going to be a nurse or something, Im just going to be the one admitting the patients. Can you imagine what they must do to the real staff?!

My cousin and I are having fun. I am broke as can be though, and Im running out of ideas !! ELP-HAY!