Hi again!

Its sooo gorgeous outside!(the picture was taken at River Park here in town. Its pretty but the park scares the bejesus out of me because there are mountain lions!) Im so stoked. Im going to go walking. To rev myself up again, I am committing myself to 30 minutes of walking a day, 7 times a week. Thats better than nothing, yes yes? I just thought Id drop in and let you guys know whats up.

Im trying to make myself feel pretty. I respond to myself more when I find myself more appealing. For instance, I took my naturally curly hair today and straightened it and I immediately felt better about myself. A dab of make up and I was off...to the nearest Burger King. Yep, Reader, I felt so desirable that I felt like the king should witness it himself, lol. I didnt feel good about it, but I was starving. Anyways, that will be my last fast food binge. When my cousin gets here, she wants me on veggies and lean meats, which will be good. I dont eat veggies but she will be cooking them and making them so I will like how they taste so thats good. Im excited about that.

I came up with a new idea today. Ok, some of you might think this is lame but oh well. I spend a ton of money on junk food, whether it be fast food or the chips and dip or microwave pizza so I was thinking that from now on, I tally up the total of what those foods would cost me and put that money in a piggy bank or something and for a month, see how much I would have spent on that crap and with that money I can either treat myself to something nice or choose to keep it in the bank and add another month. Im excited for this plan because Im really curious to see how much I shell out for crap!! Isnt that a shame that the companies profited from my weight gain? Oh dont get me wrong, I know that I am ultimately responsible for what I do with my body but I cant stand it, they wave their fattening foods in our faces on a daily basis(I rhymed!) and yet the world hates fat people. Ugh. Can we say two faced?

I was talking to my cousin last night about how weight has controlled so much of my life and how I just wanted it to be done with, I just didnt want it to be that way, and move on. I told her how Im afraid to introduce myself to people because I immediately think they will dismiss me because of my size. She told me that even if they do, those are the people that I do NOT want in my life anyways. I agreed. But sooo much easier said than done.

I read this article in Oprah magazine--Im trying to find a way that you guys can read the article--and it was so interesting. This chic was trying to lose weight so this lady had her make out all these index cards that had reasons she wanted to lose weight so that when she felt like eating bad foods, she could pull out the cards and be reminded of why she shouldnt eat it. The lady also made her not eat ANYTHING between her breakfast and dinner, so she could learn to not be afraid of hunger. Im not doing a good job of describing this article, I know.

But check out these stories. http://www.oprah.com/beauty/fashion/beauty_fashion_200703_love_101.jhtml

Ok, I hope to be back later with some inspirational things for you.

Woot, woot!

Dont ask because I dont really know what woot, woot means. I just like the sound of it, sounds like a celebration huh? Woot, woot!

Im excited....4 more days until my cousin comes to visit! We are planning on going on long walks, and running stairs(I'll be more likely to be running scared though, tee hee) If I could find an extra bike for her, we could go bike riding too. Im just so happy that I am going to have someone from home that doesnt care about how big or small I am. We ordered her a nice air bed, and the guest room isnt too shabby, whether thats a good sign or a bad sign I have no idea. Im going to be so sad when she leaves though!! Oh well, I shouldnt think about that yet, eh!?

I need to get back into the game. Before we left to San Diego, I bought 8 pound weights and they have been in the backseat of my car until today. Yes, Reader, I brought them in. I was quite proud of myself, too. Every little step counts, you know? Oh and I got a new job, because the job in SB wasnt working out. After I did the math, I realized that more than half of my earned money was going towards gas, and well, it was a per diem job, and the hours just werent there, and neither was the pay. It sucked though, having to quit. I was quite upset with myself that I even took the job. Sigh, but get this, I dont even want to take the new job either, even though its 5 minutes up the road and everyone is telling me that I should be more grateful about it, and I am grateful. But the woman who interviewed me I felt was rude and she kept me waiting longer than necessary. I feel like if I am early or on time, you should be early and on time. Someone said she might have been busy but bull cucky because she called me out of the blue and scheduled my interview at 7pm last night and I went(true, I didnt have any other plans but still.) She knew I was coming, she should have made more of an effort to be ready when I got there. Anyways, the pay is shit, and what I dont like about it is she made it very clear to me that my hours will be set per month, and just because MY schedule changes I shouldnt expect her to work around that. Thats the part I really dont like because I really wanted to take classes at the community college in May. So now I feel like I am stuck. But not to worry, because I have ONE more place that I am going to apply to, and Im feeling pretty confident with it. So I'll let you know more if and when I get it.

Tigerlilly--you are doing awesome, girl!! You are my inspiration, so keep it up!!

Untitled.

Wow, it feels like forever since I have been on here. FOR-EV-ER.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, "Wow, youre just so pretty, if only you werent fat?" I find myself doing that more and more often. Its funny but sad at the same time. Last night at work, we were watching Americas Next Top Model and one of the girls I work with was talking about the plus sized models, and she brought up a good point, something I rarely ever hear a skinny girl say, and that was, "Its ok to be plus sized, but you have to have confidence in yourself." I was like, Wow, she is so right. Me? I have no confidence in myself. I did for awhile there, and then I fell apart, again.

This job is nice, but the gas is killing me. Its $3.35 per gallon and my job is an hour away, so its like $20 every other day for me. Its basically taking all of my money, dammit. And its like I dont want to quit because its a good company but really, there will be no advancing you know? I never should have taken it. Its only part time but its really not even worth the part time.

Ok, update. I finally told my mom about my weight gain today. I didnt tell her to the extent as I did not want to cause worry or anything but I told her. Actually, she asked me how my weight was, and I said, Horrible and she said she doubted it. Then I said, No I've gained allot and its why I wont come home. She said, "Who cares!" LOL That kind of made me feel better. I feel like I gave California a chance but home is where the heart is you know? We'll see. As for the job, Im pretty much not going back. I was on my way in today and the gas was on E and my heart started beating so fast that I needed MORE gas again and tomorrow was going to be the same thing. That would have been $100 in gas this week ALONE. I looked into public transportation but the thing is, that only runs during the day and Id be mostly working at night. I feel sooo horrible about accepting the job, Ive wasted everyones time. I wish there was something I could do but theres nothing.

Wasted...but Back for Good.

LOL I posted this picture because I love how happy I am. I was about 5 years old I think. Chubby but happy because I was at the beach with my parents. Im sorry but I think Im the cutest little girl. Look at my afro! LMAO I have curly hair to this day but its longer now, and I try to straighten it when I can. Ok moving on.

I havent been doing all that well. I keep listening to Carrie Underwoods new song, "Wasted." (Im the biggest Carrie Underwood fan, lol) That song speaks to me somehow. Anyways, these past few days have been hard and I feel like I am just getting beat down. I gained those 3 pounds back, dammit, and it depressed me. We have a houseguest now, and lets just say that I am less than thrilled about that. Stressed out? Heck yes. I talk to God every day and ask him to talk to me, but either he is and I cant hear him or he's waiting to answer me. Im not sure and Im not even angry about it. He knows how I feel and what I feel. I am still so homesick. Ive been in California for about 10 months now and I have no friends and just my boyfriends company. Its lonely. And because of that, I keep turning to food. I accepted a job where the people seem soooo nice, and I would love to work there, I guess, but at the same time, I would love to go home even more. The place where Im going to work is an hour away and the pay is decent, nothing really to write home about. I kind of feel like the money isnt worth it, because its only going to pay for my gas to get to and from them. On the other hand though, its for a great company and who knows what opportunities may arise from that? A part of me questions whether I really want to stick around to find out. I mean, no matter what, I'll still miss my parents, my family and my friends. No matter what opportunity comes from this job, I strongly doubt this yearning for home will go away.

It just sucks that I have gotten so fat. I cant go home. I know many of you think that Im being silly or whatever, but its true. Thank God I finally confessed of my weight gain to my cousin who will be here soon. That made me feel a tad better. I wish I could tell my mother, but she will be so gossipy about it. I know I shouldnt care, but thats how it was when I was growing up. My weight defined the person everyone thought I was, so now in my adult life, it feels like thats how it is EVERY DAY. Frustrating. And why do I miss people like this? Well...its like my friends wouldnt care, and really my dad probably wouldnt either but my mom...my mom. I think what I fear more than anything is that when we get into an argument day she will use the dreaded "F" word(FAT!) towards me and itll hurt me again. She hasnt done that in a long time, because I was losing so successfully. And my Aunt M...OMG, she would die if she saw me, she would shake her head in disappointment. She spent sooo much time with me, helping me. It sucks. I wish I never would have moved here.

Ok, on a diet note, I am going walking at 230ish with Patricks mom. That should be fun, I could sure use the company. I'll try to update more. Hopefully get out of this funk soon!

Im baaaaaaack.

Ok, so actually I got back on Friday night and I was too tired to write. Yesterday, I was running around picking up groceries or baking or dropping stuff off at the post office.

So, Reader, I did not do good. I mean, the only good part of the trip is that I was constantly on my feet. But on day one, I got no sleep, I was up for about 30+ hours, because we left at 3am on Wednesday morning, arrived in San Diego around 830ish, ate some breakfast(which I really did not eat because I was feeling sick.) Then we headed off to SEA WORLD!!! That was the most fun I've had in a YEAR! It was weird too, because I saw a dolphin show, a whale show, a seal and otter show, but yet my favorite show was the PET SHOW! I mean, that was the most fascinating because they had cats, dogs, pigs and birds doing tricks! CATS!! Omg, it was so much fun, despite the fact that I got soooo sunburnt!

The marine graduation...well, it sucked. I mean, the graduation itself wasnt so bad, kind of interesting. But the person we drove the 5 hours for was kind of rude, I thought. He just dragged us from one souvenir shop to the next, and I felt like we were only there to carry his bags. All of the other marines were so grateful to see their friends and families and were sitting down and talking to them. Not us. I mean, when we left that afternoon to go to the hotel we were pretty bummed, ok actually I was pissed off. In fact the rest of the trip, I was mostly pissed off. I understand that graduating from the Marines is such an honor but...try spending 72 hours with someone who just brags and brags and brags about it, and when he's done bragging to you, he's borrowing your cell phone so he can call and brag to other people. Ugh. Then last night he was over and I made him a nice cake,(so pretty, but dont worry, I didnt have any!) and he was thankful for that but he is just not interested in anything else but talking about the marines. We were watching tv and then he put in his Boot Camp documentary and then was chatting on the computer. I just think its rude & annoying. Maybe Im horrible for feeling this way, but I'll accept that.

Ok so back to basics huh? Im gonna get for now, and go check out all of your blogs :)

Hello.

Sorry I went awol for a second there. Im going to be awol for the next few days as well so I thought Id write a quick entry now. We are going to a Marine graduation in San Diego so I am packing up some stuff.

My eating has been...not great, but not bad. I eat in small portions, but Im eating crap today. I swear, Im the hungriest when Im on my time of the month. I have been exercising though so Im not gaining, just maintaining. For the trip I packed sandwiches and raisins. I will not come back fatter. Seriously. When I come back, I am going to be concentrating hard on not eating bad carbohydrates. Im not saying I'll be doing it right away, its going to take time to get myself off of the bad stuff. But I can do it.

I met the nicest girl at Fashion Bug today. She said she was a size 18 like myself but I thought she could have easily been a 14. I never would have guessed 18. She was sooooo nice to me though, and for that I was grateful. Its hard to come by nice people in this state, or anywhere actually. I could just tell by her eyes that she was genuine. Make sense? Anyways, I told her about the blogs, and hopefully she will stop by, if she doesnt think Im a total nut LOL. I should have given her my number cause maybe we could have went walking together or something. Who knows.

Ok, people. Take care. I'll be back Friday night with a report on how I did while Im gone.

Triumph!

YAY! I worked my ass off yesterday, I mean, I went walking at the beach and then I came home and did a workout video, The Core Secrets and for the rest of the night I was randomly doing lunges or some kind of tricep move. Anyways, its paid off! This morning, I was 234 on the scale! Still such a big weight, but I managed to get down the three pounds I wanted by the day I wanted. Plus Im surfing the crimson wave, if you know what I mean. Im so excited. This is the biggest deal to me. The sooner I can lose this weight and look at myself in the mirror without flinching the better!

As for my post the other day, I didnt mean to offend people who have had some sort of weight loss surgery. That wasnt my intention at all and so I would like to extend an apology to those of you that I did offend. My point was that sometimes there is an underlying issue and its important to get to that before making any dramatic changes. Like for me, I had to sit down and really think last night about my whole life and things that have effected me in negative ways. Ive realized every time I have lost weight, I have gained it back because Ive never done it for the right reasons. The last time I lost allot of weight was because my aunt was there, making sure I did everything right, and if I screwed up I'd have to hear about it so I did my best to not disappoint. But then as soon as I moved I gained the weight back because I didnt have anyone to be accountable to anymore, well, except myself but I didnt take myself seriously. I mean, come on, what was I going to do if I ate too much? Spank myself? Then yesterday while doing my video, I realized I've never tried to lose weight because of ME or what I wanted. So that helped. And you know what, blogging is proving to be good therapy, too, because it seems the more "confessions" I make, the better I do. Im not keeping things to myself anymore, and no offense to you guys, but I love knowing that other people are in the same predictament as me, and everyone is trying to better themselves. Its free too!

Amazingly, Ive been more interested in psychology than ever. I think if I start school in May I want to make that my major. Theres so much to learn about why people do the things they do and it intrigues me.

Ok, dont forget to "spring forward" tonight!

UPDATE: I just worked out on the elliptical--burnt 433 calories and 74 carbs, went for 40 minutes. I also did my core secrets video again...Who knew how motivational 3 pounds could be huh?!

Wow.

So...really, this should be a diary entry as I have many a thing to say.

First, I lost half a pound! Yay! I know thats really small but its a start! My goal right now is 2 pounds a week, which should take me just under 200 by my 26th birthday. Good for me. The cravings for chip and dip and that icky cheese salsa have faded. I am noticing my body responds more to healthy things, and I am trying to respect its wishes. I know I'll have chips and dip again, but I also know that when I have the urge, I'll use a 99 cent bag instead of the huge ones and only eat a small amount of the dip. They are no longer my weakness. As for you, Mr Salsa Con Queso, you and I are done. Good riddance. Also, I have noticed that chewing gum helps to ward off binging.

Did you guys watch Oprah today? I RARELY watch that show. I like Oprah, but I like it more when she is talking to real people with real problems and lately she always has celebrities on, but that wasnt the case today. The show was entitled, "Suddenly Skinny." It was about people who had gastric bypass thinking that would solve their problems, but afterwards they only had more problems because their addictions had to go towards something else. One lady became promiscuous while another became an alcoholic. I was watching the show in awe, and the main message was: You have to find out what the real issue is thats making you overeat before you make any drastic changes.(i.e. the surgery.) It was an excellent show. I have an addictive personality like that. I wouldnt ever want to have that surgery though, because well, I never want to have any type of surgery. lol Im a baby when it comes to that stuff. So now I am on a mission to find out why I use(d) food as a way out, what I was hiding from and how to change all of that. I didnt have the best childhood, but I didnt have the worst childhood either, so it cant really be that, can it? I hate thinking about that because while my parents were mean to my sister and I and each other as kids, I get along with them now and I dont want to start anything. I think what I am addicted to is Positive Attention, or Approval addiction. I want everyone to approve of me, everyone to like me. As a child, since I was about 5 I was always called fat, by my parents, by my sister, and other family members as well as the public. So since I was 5 I have thought of myself as fat. Ive never really known myself to be anything other than that, it was almost as if Fat was my fate. Anytime I got in an argument or tried to defend myself, the first thing someone else said was, "Youre fat." It was like, Oh Im fat, so I must not mean anything. Shit like that. I dont understand why this would drive me to eat MORE though. If anything you would think that it would make me want to eat LESS. And I always get that look where people look you up and down, and they dont even try to hide it. That look makes me feel...worthless. One time when I was losing weight, I shifted my emptiness to shopping and acquired a huge amount of debt. Its embarrassing especially now that I am fat and broke. Boy when it rains it pours huh? I guess the hardest part is knowing that I did this to myself. No one injected thousands of calories into my veins and no one placed a gun to my head and forced me to shop. I did it all on my own. Its hard and even as I write this, I do want to cry but Im thankful that I am figuring stuff out. I contacted one of the collectors today and they have agreed to give me a year to pay off what I owe and while its going to be a struggle, Im going to just keep praying and working on it. I pray that I get the job I am up for because I really need the money and it would just be nice to finally have a career. I really hope they give me a chance.

Ok, so for today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread, and a bag of 100 calorie cheetos and a glass of milk. I've also taken my multi vitamin. Later, I'll snack on a pair and get some exercise. I was out running errands all today. I donated a bunch of books to the library and trust me, that was excercise all in itself because I also had a box of books that were due. So I had to make two trips to my car and back and I was panting. I wish I could have seen myself!

This months issue of Fitness magazine was the most informative yet! It had this article that gave you 9 signs on why you might be diabetic and I have like 6 of them! Geez!

Blog it out!

I somewhat like the show on HBO called Entourage, mainly because of Jeremy Pivens character whos always asking the other characters if they want to "hug it out." Now when one of my friends has an issue Im like, "Blog it out." LOL. I dont know, I guess I feel such a release when I write, I figure it has to be that way for everyone.

I was thinking earlier today, ok, and I've thought about it allot in the past too about how much money I have spent on diet/exercise related products. Its really ridiculous. That money could have went towards a damn pony. I mean...for as much as people make fun of fat people, I think they should be on their knees thanking us, because if it werent for us, all the fast food restaurants would close and no one would buy their products. Maybe thats a shitty way to think, but still. Right now, in this room with me is one proform elliptical machine, one bicycle, one Firm fanny lifter, 2 sets of 5 lbs weights, one set of 8 lbs weights and an exercise ball, a bottle of diet pills and about 10 workout videos as well as the Biggest Loser cookbook. Total that up. Its a wonder Im fat. Buying these things always had false hope attached to them. Each time one was bought, Id tell myself "Ok, this is it. Im not going to be fat anymore." And maybe I'd use the item a couple of times, but no matter what I always seemed to stop for a long period of time. Before the elliptical arrived, I would let myself eat whatever, whenever because I figured once I had the elliptical here, the binges would stop, like all of a sudden I wouldnt need the food. I was always in "I'll start tomorrow" mode.

I worked out hard today. Exercise, I've decided is key to losing the weight. I have started an exercise log for myself. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, and then about 20 minutes of an upper body weight training video. The Firm. Those videos kick my ASS but they work, so I am determined to stick with them. When I was losing weight last time, I did a rotation of the Firm and the Core Secret videos, and I was able to do them in one hour. Today, I had split the video up. Sigh. Im actually trying to talk myself into doing the Core Secret video now. 43 minutes. LOL Tigerlilly, how do you do this? Im so exhausted already. Oh, but I do like the feeling that exercise brings with it. MMMMM, endorphins.

The Firm video was making me laugh a little because on this one scene you have to lay your stomach "flat on the fanny lifter." I was like, "Lady if I could lay my stomach flat, I wouldnt be here."

Tomorrow, Im going to start taking multi vitamins. I dont know if theyll help me or not, I just know that I lack vitamins, Im not expecting a miracle. Thought a miracle would be nice, wouldnt it?

blah!

I almost didnt even write tonight because I dont really have anything interesting to say, but I dont want to get into the habit of not writing so here I am! :)

I did ok with the eating today. Counting calories and carbs and fat grams can be exhausting but shocking too. I mean, I didnt eat a ton today but I was shocked to find that two flour tortillas has 40 grams of carbs. Holy crap! I need to find wheat tortillas. I have a feeling I am going to have to special order them. Great. I use those for my chicken quesadillas. Then I had a half cup of yogurt, a bowl of unhealthy cereal(a bowl is good! Usually I have two or three bowls.) and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread. The sandwich kept me full for hours. Wheat rocks. I also cleaned the kitchen and then the spare room, and I mean I attacked it. I really need to start exercising more. Why is that its easy to gain weight but hard to take it off?

Surprisingly, I did not crave the nachos and cheese all day today. I dont know if its because the label terrified me to the point that it literally made me want to be violently ill at just the mere thought of that cheese, but I dont think I'll have it ever again. And if I do, it wont be for a long, long time. Also, Patrick offered again to get me some fast food and I declined. Yay me! When I decline, he then doesnt get anything for himself either, so you see it works out.(Pss, I dont think he needs to lose weight at ALL)

Im sorry this blog is so boring tonight. Hopefully tomorrow itll be better.

Killng me softly, but surely.

Ok. This was going to be a good, happy, upbeat blog. But I decided to do some research and now I am disturbed and somewhat disappointed with myself.

First, let me say that a food journal is a MUST for me. I started one tonight because I was curious. All I had to eat until about 9 pm today was chips and that salsa con queso crap. I didnt eat allot of chips, but I managed to down that whole container of the salsa. Not in one sitting mind you. Id eat some, go away for a couple of hours, go back, get some more, and then be satisfied for awhile and then go back again, and in between I was drinking water.(No capri suns for me today, yay!) Well then, at 9 I was hungry so my boyfriend and I split a pear. And then I ran to the store and bought a microwave pizza. I looked at the box which didnt seem too bad because I was seriously under the impression that my food intake for the day was good. And then I came home and I was like, Ok I should start a food diary.

Reader, my food intake was not good. At all.

That yummy salsa con queso? Yeah, that had 39 g of fat and 52 g of carbs. OMG!! I did the math on it. 3 g of fat per serving, the can holds 13 servings. I multiplied the 3 x 13 and got 39! I nearly peed my pants/vomited.(but I didnt because at this point the last thing I need is a friggin eating disorder!) Holy crap. And the carbs! OMG! I will probably stay away from this stuff for a very long time. The pear was the healthiest thing I ate and I only ate half of it!! And that pizza! Holy crap!

Ok, but I cant let this get me down. I didnt sit on my butt all day. I was running errands, running back and forth to the laundry room and shopping. So I got SOME exercise. I told my boyfriend about the salsa addiction and surprisingly, he said he thinks we could both stand to change our diet. He also pointed out that the cheese was hard to clean off the dishes and that if 120 degree water couldnt do it, it must be HORRIBLE for my body. I never thought of it that way. So while it was hard to confess, I am glad I did because I was able to think of it more sensibly and that will help me to not purchase it anymore. Confessions are hard but I am starting to realize confessing is the way to go because the sooner you get it off your chest it doesnt "eat" you up anymore. Seriously. I was so scared to tell anyone that I was gaining weight, but Im starting to tell people and its taking the pressure off of me.

I AM doing good with the no eating out thing though. Thats something I dont see myself messing up with, unless I choose something healthy. I am over the whoppers, the king size fry, the chicken carbonara sandwich, and the chicken strips...all the crap.

Just thank God I started the food journal today! What scares me is that I ran to the store tonight to get some food and I walked up and down the aisles with the chips, daring myself to get yet another container of that salsa shit. I mean, it was really hard for me to decide not to. I give myself major points for that. It would have been so easy to come home and finish off that container plus the pizza.

I havent lost any weight, but dear reader, I havent gained any either! Im just hanging tough at 237. Im going to exercise now and hopefully the scale will budge in the morning. Not couting on it though.

New goal: 229

Ultimate goal: 145

UPDATE: 2:10 am: I just found out that my favorite stuff for sandwiches, Dietz and Watson, is actually sold in California and at a store that is LOCAL!! Its the best delicacies ever. SO healthy for you! I cant wait to go to the store and get some!

Short entry.

I was bummed when I logged in and say that I had no comments. If anyone's reading this, does that happen to you? Im all excited to log in, and I mean actually giddy, and then I get so sad when I see theres nothing said. Does that mean no ones reading this? Although, I guess Id rather have no comments than a mean one.

Today was fine. No long walk, but its only 10pm and I have a hunky dory feeling I'll be jumping on the elliptical in no time. I didnt binge, yay! And when I was offered quiznos, I politely declined. Quiznos...MMMMMM. I LOVE the chicken carbonara sandwich, but I also know that its waaaay unhealthy for me, and while I can have it someday, today wasnt the day.

I cant wait to move the little line on my weight tracker. I cant wait to be 199 again! Isnt that SICK!? Everyone seems to have goals of being 130 and Im all dorky wishing to just be out of the 200s. I remember one time I told myself Id never be over 200 again. And that is why you never say never.

Happy Feet!

Its about 11:13 pm, Saturday night and a few minutes ago I found myself walking around the kitchen, opening cupboards, the freezer, the fridge, just scouring for something to shove in my mouth to get that high...you know the one Im talking about, it feels sooooo good but makes you feel sooooo bad that it almost even wasnt worth the binge, except that it was? Yeah that one. Anyways, the thing is, I do the grocery shopping, I know whats in the kitchen and what isnt. I knew I wasnt going to find a bag of Lays potato chips but I knew there was dip left and some low calorie doritos. But alas, I had already used up that snack earlier today and honey child, I was NOT about to go back for seconds. Then it hit me: I am not hungry, I am bored. Once I figured that out, I promptly left the kitchen and came to this here spot to share this story, I dont know why, I mean, its hardly entertaining but I call this a stepping stone. Im on my way, people.

I didnt end up going to any restaurant today. But...I did know that I wanted to get some hair dye, and I did know that I wanted to go walking so I walked my butt to the nearest Sally Beauty Supply and got it. And let me tell you...that was a long walk. I took my pedometer and my total was 8339 steps,(3.9 miles) I was sweating so bad. I took a backpack with me and carried a big bottle of water, and some other stuff in there, like my keys.(Note to self: get smaller backpack.) I felt so excited for myself when I came home. Im inspired to do it again tomorrow, but Im thinking tomorrow I'll opt for a bike ride and then maybe I can start to alternate days and exercise. One day a walk, one day a bike ride. Im not really sure yet. But I do know that exercising makes a huge difference in how I feel about myself so I hope I can keep that with me when Im lacking motivation. I do need some new songs for the MP3 player so if any of you have ideas, please let me know.

Are any of you guys doing the Self challenge? Check out http://www.self.com/

The truth can hurt but it SO doesnt have to!

You know what I realized today, as I craved chips and dip more than anything in the world? I am impulsive. This can be good or bad or even both. But it sucks that not only am I an impulsive eater, I am a compulsive eater as well. Woe is me! I have to say that while admitting this to myself is very disappointing, it's somewhat liberating as well. Maybe thats why my diets, or lifestyle changes always fail, I do them on a spur of the moment thing and it works for awhile but since I never thought it all the way through, like from beginning, middle and end, it never works because I get discouraged and then ultimately, I give up.

Yep, folks, unfortch, thats me.

But I have no fear. Now I realize that while chips and dip are extremely bad for me, I love them too much(and maybe, just maybe, I have a dependency on them) to give up too soon. I need to gradually stop. So guess what. Today, I bought only one container of dip, and the smallest bag of chips I could find.(The ones that are usually about $.99. I swear they didnt have the .$25 bag!) And then, just to curb off future binges like the one youre reading about here, I bought a 6 pack of 100 calorie doritos. That way, should I get the urge to eat it again, I can have a small helping, be over it and not obsess. I think this is clever, and you know what, Im giving myself two points. (Im currently designing a chart that when I do something right, I give myself a certain number of points and when I reach my goal number I can either "cash" them in and get myself a pair of shoes or something or keep tallying them up. Corny yes, but heck, Im in desperation mode.) Like an alcoholic or a drug addict cannot be expected to become alcohol/drug free overnight...they have to attend rehab, and even then its not a guarantee that the problem is fixed. It is seriously something that they will always have to keep in check, and now I understand why it is called a lifestyle change. And be proud, because that container of dip is more than half full and sitting in my fridge right now. I think Im on to something.

I did go for a walk today but didnt get in nearly as much as I wanted to. Its funny, I used to read people saying they couldnt walk that far because they were so out of shape and then it got easier for those people. I felt so cocky, like, ha thatll never happen to me. Well, never say never, Reader, because it has happened to me! I am starting to see first hand how hard it is to make it a block without sitting down for a few minutes to catch my breath. But I'll get there.

I've also realized how I put things aside for tv. TV!?! Like today I wanted to take a shower, but I was drawn to this new show on VH1 called "The Agency"(its about a modeling agency of course, and them telling all the bone skinny girls they need to lose 10 pounds. That itself made me want to eat FOR them) and I hadnt seen this episode so I didnt want to take my shower. Then all of a sudden, Im telling myself, Seriously, like VH1 wont show this 50 more times this week alone, get off your arse and go shower! So I did and I realized how many times I must have done this when I wanted to exercise, or just plain get out of the house. Im a certified couch potato, and it sucks because I checked and it turns out, "couch potatos" arent employable. I have GOT to crawl out of this funk. Seriously, what has TV ever done for me?

Im looking forward to tomorrow. Im going shopping with my friend and we are going to lunch or dinner or wherever. But this is not why Im looking forward to it, its because its going to be a challenge to not order anything especially horrific!(aka LOADED with things my body doesnt want! Ok, well at least with things my body doesnt NEED!) I am going to order a salad. I am choosing a salad because I fully intend on having some thousand island dressing. So I'll forego(sp?) the fries, the chicken strips, all that crap so I can have my unhealthy salad.(But is stillllll better than the fries and grease. I have to make peace with the grease, people, otherwise my body is going to start holding me hostage.)

Ok and being unemployed, Im sorry and some of you may think less of me for not having a job, but anyways, it does not help with this whole eating healthier thing. Its a huge blow to the ego, I went from making decent money at a job to making horrible money without a job. Dont get me wrong, I am blessed to have the unemployment insurance, but I miss working! I keep praying that I will get the job that I am currently up for, it would mean the world to me, and it would be the start of a CAREER too, and ...well, keep your fingers crossed. When I called the unemployment office this morning to check on something the lady made me feel sooo bad about the situation, ugh, and she was so rude to me. It bothered me all day. I need to work on letting things go.

But I will be back tomorrow with my restaurant report, dont worry, I wont let you guys(or myself!) down!

Blogger for life.

I found this picture and it inspired me so I thought Id put it up. Ive always wanted to go jogging but have never felt confident enough to do it. Somehow, when I imagine myself even just jogging down the street, I can hear people yelling rude things out their car windows and it scares me so much that I just never even try.

Well, that has to stop. Oh dont get me wrong, I am not saying that I am going to become an all star jogger starting tomorrow at the crack of dawn, but I am definitely going to continue the walking and hopefully that will build up my confidence enough to start jogging. You think? Is that too optimistic? LOL :) Optimistic, schmoptomistic, I really want to jog. Put that down on the list of things I want to do before I die. But how does one even manage to start? Do you just run from one tree to the next? Help!

So my leg is much better! Still a little sore but not nearly as bad as it was these past couple of days where I was limping with every step that I took. Finally last night, I took some Ibuprofen and just sat on the recliner and stayed off of it. I woke up this morning and I was so grateful. I took TWO, count them, TWO walks today! It seems like such a baby step, I know, but its such a big deal for me. Although meal wise, it could have been better, but I can feel myself getting there. My food intake today consisted of A chicken quesadilla(homemade and the chicken was grilled, not fried.) and a small, very small, like we're talking CRUMBS portion of tortilla chips and salsa and then for dinner, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread and a glass of 2% reduced fat milk. (Someone wanna tally that up for me? LOL) So it was kind of bad, but GREAT in comparison to my diet previously from today. Small steps, people, small steps.

And is it just me or does the scale even seem to have an attitude when you weigh yourself on it? I feel like my scale SNIDELY tells me I weigh 238 pounds, like it says it with a smirk. Call me crazy, but I swear I can hear its little taunts. Im going to have to befriend that little thing.

Ok so tonight, Im feeling pretty confident that there shant be any late snacking. Cross your fingers!

UPDATE: Just did 32 minutes on the elliptical, resistance set at 3, 350 calories out of my system!