Exposed.

These pictures were very hard for me to post. Almost like posting naked ones. But the truth is, I need to see these on a daily basis, and since I plan on being on here on a daily basis, I thought Id post them. Ive always been told that I have such a pretty face, if only I could lose all that weight. Ive been told that since I was five years old. I dont think Im hideous, but you know what, I feel hideous. Its amazing what being fat can make you feel like, almost as if you are not even a person. I refuse to say I hate myself anymore, because looking at this picture, I dont. People may not like me for being fat, but I look at this picture and think, Hey Im still me. Im still the girl who loves to laugh and play around, who wants to get a cat, who wants to write a book or two someday. Im the same but Im different. I am not looking to change all of me, just some of me. Ok, next picture.

This one isnt my favorite.(Like any of them are, lol.) I usually drink only water(the healthiest habit I have.) and as you can see I have a mountain dew in my hand, and I am not happy about it. This is the face I make when I drink something other than water. Nobody likes a double chin, which is what Im sporting here. Almost looks like I have two smiles.

And finally, last but not least....I LOVE QUESADILLAS!! Especially chicken ones, and they are the only thing that I know how to cook! LOL Ok, so these arent the most revealing pictures*You can thank me later* but to me they are a big deal. And thats actually another reason I want to lose weight. I am constantly hiding from the camera. I have found pictures of me and have torn them up because I have been so disguested and devastated by them. Now I realize, that if something were to happen to me, my family deserves pictures to remember me by. So Im going to start taking more. Fat or not, I deserve to be remembered!

The Oscars, painting and not binging!

I was saddened that the wonderful Kate Winslet did not win tonight. Oh well, she has been lucky enough to get nominated as many times as she has, that shows she does possess the talent! One of these days, Kate, one of these days. I love Kate Winslet also because she is one of those actresses who just doesnt give a shit about what they weigh, she tries to be healthy and in return, her body loves her for it. Its awesome and inspiring. I put this picture on here, because its one of the most beautiful photographs of her. And Cameron Diaz is looking great, too!

I have realized that I have a new hobby that I can do whenever I am feeling like I need a binge. Its painting. I paint picture frames. Not the nicest ones, either, but it soothes me and takes me out of this world because I am concentrating on making it the best that I can. Maybe I'll put some posts up. I am quite proud of them. I can tell not many other people feel the same way because my boyfriends buddy came over the other day and he stared at them and then said, Its good to have a hobby. I laughed so hard. It didnt hurt my feelings, in fact, its one of the rare occasions that I dont care what people think about them, I am just so flabbergasted that I created these things I love. Its awesome.

A big shout out to Pasta Queen, who has reached her half weight. That girl is amazing, dude and she inspired me and so many others!

38 pounds to go. My ultimate weight goal is 150. So in total I have 88 pounds to lose. Yuckola. But I can do it.

I hope to post some pictures soon.

Confession: I need to lose weight...and for it not to find me anymore.

Why do I want to lose weight?

I have asked myself this question for the last 25 years and all the while I have been going up and down on the scale. I used to want to lose weight so my family would quit making fun of me, but that didnt work. Then I wanted to lose weight so my school crush would like me back, but, this wouldnt work either, as I would fantasize about him while reading girly magazines and eating hostess snack cakes. It seems like I want to lose weight so that people will like me, be more accepting of me, want to be my friend. I guess being fat makes me feel worthless.
I have always wanted to lose weight for myself, dont get me wrong, but never up until now has it been because I just wanted to be healthy. I dont think that I care about the scale anymore, I mean, I do, and obviously I'll have to care about it until I reach my healthy weight of 150 which may take about a year and after that I am going to work very hard at maintaining my weight. I know now that I will never be 120 pounds, as my body is not meant to be that little.
Honestly, I just want this body vs food battle to be over. I want my body and I to have a truce now. I have put it through so much turmoil with my food choices, and the truth is, I am grateful that it has allowed me to maintain its function at the rate it has.

What am I going to do differently this time around?

It sounds silly, but this time around, I am going to blog more. I find writing about my current struggles and current accomplishments gets me even more motivated. I also am going to watch my sugar and carb intake. I wish there was a way to attach a food journal on here. I need to exercise 60 minutes a day. *cardio* and weight train at least 3 times a week. I have a very positive mentality right now that I am going to do this. I think it has to do a great deal with confessing to a loved one that I havent seen in awhile that I have gained my weight back. It was a very big burden to carry it to myself all the time, and she was very supportive and loving about it. So I think what I also need to do is confess when I mess up.


What do I expect will change as a result of my weight loss?

Judging how I used to feel during skinny years,(maybe skinny is the wrong word, as Ive never been stick thin but I was thinner, definitely.) I was always more confident in myself. I felt very happy with life in general. I long for that confidence again. But this time, I am determined to keep it.

Something to keep me motivated:

I really want a digital camera. I will not allow myself to buy one until I am at 199 on that scale. Also, really cute outfits and finally getting out of the plus sized section!