Well, I did it, I returned the clothes! I feel allot better. I told my friend, J, what I was doing and she agreed with me returning them was the right thing to do. She thinks Im beautiful no matter what,(and I actually believe her when she says this!) but she says she understands how I feel because she feels bad about herself when she gains weight.
My goal right now is to lose 20 pounds. Altogether, the goal is 100. But Im gonna do it in 20 pound increments.
I have to work tomorrow. Blah. For some reason, no one in the E.R. (the nurses) seem to like me that well. I dont think Ive done anything wrong but they just dont take to me. I guess I cant do anything about it but I wish I wouldnt want their approval so much, you know? Just go to work, do my job and come home. But I really want to make allot of friends. Oh well. The people I want to be friends with like me, so that should be enough. I hate that Im the type of person who needs everyone to like me, especially when theyre assholes to me. I would just like to have the guts to tell people to go stick it where the sun dont shine. Yep.
On a brighter note, I think Im going home for Christmas. Im excited about this because I miss everyone! Im going to request the time off this week so I can plan ahead.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
A new day.(day 6)
Yay, my first day off in a long time. Ok, like 5 days lol. And I have tomorrow off too which is nice.
I was starving when I got home last night and had some lasagna. I still dont feel guilty about it because I ate it slow and felt full. This morning I woke up, starving, and I remembered reading in a magazine how when you wake up you should ALWAYS eat breakfast first to get your metabolism going, so I had some eggs and wheat bread and apple juice. Ok, for me, eggs in the morning is GOOD because its protein and it keeps you full for a long time. So I made a good decision. Today I am taking back those horrid fat clothes I bought last week and getting my money back and I think that will be a big deal for me. Its like Im literally taking my life back by telling myself, No more size 18s. I dont even care if I have to wear the same outfits over and over again, or how sick my coworkers get of those outfits, I refuse to buy any more clothes in my size because itll only encourage me to stay that size forever and I need to work my way down to the damned 10. LOL.
Ok, Im gonna go get ready for my day. I STILL havent gotten my book from walmart yet. But I did purchase, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I LOVE that movie. The best movie Ive seen in a long time.
UPDATE: Ok, I got the book right after I posted that I hadnt, lol. I've heard lots of great things about it so Im psyched to get started. And Im hesistant to go return the clothes because I forgot its a holiday weekend and the roads are probably going to be CRAZY! Man, I wish I were in Ohio to celebrate the holidays the Ohio way, good ol fashioned barbecue and some Volleyball(Ok so maybe that was my FAMILYS way, teehee.)
I was starving when I got home last night and had some lasagna. I still dont feel guilty about it because I ate it slow and felt full. This morning I woke up, starving, and I remembered reading in a magazine how when you wake up you should ALWAYS eat breakfast first to get your metabolism going, so I had some eggs and wheat bread and apple juice. Ok, for me, eggs in the morning is GOOD because its protein and it keeps you full for a long time. So I made a good decision. Today I am taking back those horrid fat clothes I bought last week and getting my money back and I think that will be a big deal for me. Its like Im literally taking my life back by telling myself, No more size 18s. I dont even care if I have to wear the same outfits over and over again, or how sick my coworkers get of those outfits, I refuse to buy any more clothes in my size because itll only encourage me to stay that size forever and I need to work my way down to the damned 10. LOL.
Ok, Im gonna go get ready for my day. I STILL havent gotten my book from walmart yet. But I did purchase, "The Pursuit of Happyness." I LOVE that movie. The best movie Ive seen in a long time.
UPDATE: Ok, I got the book right after I posted that I hadnt, lol. I've heard lots of great things about it so Im psyched to get started. And Im hesistant to go return the clothes because I forgot its a holiday weekend and the roads are probably going to be CRAZY! Man, I wish I were in Ohio to celebrate the holidays the Ohio way, good ol fashioned barbecue and some Volleyball(Ok so maybe that was my FAMILYS way, teehee.)
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Unfinished.
They say the second you stop smoking, you start adding years to your life. Well, I dont know if the same goes for when you stop eating like crap but it feels like it. I feel better and its only been 5 days. Now when I go to sleep, I am not fighting for my next breath, and when I get up, I am not having trouble getting out of bed. Thats neat.
I have already lost 2 pounds. Thats awesome for me. Im too tired to really let it sink in though lol. Today is turning into a bleak day, and its not even 10am. I dont know. I'll write more later if I can. Im working until 8 and not even in the E.R.
I have already lost 2 pounds. Thats awesome for me. Im too tired to really let it sink in though lol. Today is turning into a bleak day, and its not even 10am. I dont know. I'll write more later if I can. Im working until 8 and not even in the E.R.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama
Day 3. I feel good. I love it. I dont even think I lost any weight but its the mentality that Im loving right now. The first 30 days are always the hardest. I just have 27 days. Today I sort of ate out. I dont know, you tell me if it counts: Work was extremely busy and although we are allowed to take a lunch(I usually dont) we were so swamped that it was discouraged so our boss bought me and two other people some pizza. I was starving and I knew if I didnt eat, Id have binged right now. And it was a SMALL pizza. And I dont mean small as in the smallest pizza you could order, but the pizza was about the same length as my index finger, so I took ONE slice and it really slowly and chugged some water with it and then went back to snacking on my cashews. I guess it counts, but Im proud that I didnt eat 5 slices you know? Im a pizzaholic, man. LOL
Im listening to Kokomo. I love this song, its very feel goody. My friend Adriana might start going walking with me. Speaking of which, I have a confession for you guys. I didnt go walking last night. I honestly couldnt. I DID walk to the entire other side of my apartment to wash some laundry and then I took myself on down to the laundry mat because the dryers were broke. So I didnt laze around(remember, yesterday I worked the E.R. so I was on my feet ALL day, hustling.) but when I got home, my feet were so sore I couldnt walk anywhere else. I put some socks on and put my feet up and it felt good and I felt like I ate nice enough and was on my feet nice enough that I didnt need to feel guilty. Today wasnt an E.R. day so I'll catch up on my walking soon. I keep going to bed early, by 10ish because I know how important 8 hours of sleep is.
Ok thats it for now. Today is my nephews birthday, he is 1. Im sad that Im missing it.
UPDATE: Well, I just got done with an hour long walk! Ive GOT to find my pedometer because Im so curious as to how many steps I took. Also, in the past two hours my 12 yr old nephew has gotten himself a myspace account. Initially, I was sooo thrilled because I miss him terribly and have NEVER gone this long without seeing him. But then I go to it, and what he has written about himself is horrible, terrifying and I am just...disgusted. Thats not the same D.J. I left behind, and what pisses me off more is that neither one of his parents will care when I tell them about it. Its disturbing.
Im listening to Kokomo. I love this song, its very feel goody. My friend Adriana might start going walking with me. Speaking of which, I have a confession for you guys. I didnt go walking last night. I honestly couldnt. I DID walk to the entire other side of my apartment to wash some laundry and then I took myself on down to the laundry mat because the dryers were broke. So I didnt laze around(remember, yesterday I worked the E.R. so I was on my feet ALL day, hustling.) but when I got home, my feet were so sore I couldnt walk anywhere else. I put some socks on and put my feet up and it felt good and I felt like I ate nice enough and was on my feet nice enough that I didnt need to feel guilty. Today wasnt an E.R. day so I'll catch up on my walking soon. I keep going to bed early, by 10ish because I know how important 8 hours of sleep is.
Ok thats it for now. Today is my nephews birthday, he is 1. Im sad that Im missing it.
UPDATE: Well, I just got done with an hour long walk! Ive GOT to find my pedometer because Im so curious as to how many steps I took. Also, in the past two hours my 12 yr old nephew has gotten himself a myspace account. Initially, I was sooo thrilled because I miss him terribly and have NEVER gone this long without seeing him. But then I go to it, and what he has written about himself is horrible, terrifying and I am just...disgusted. Thats not the same D.J. I left behind, and what pisses me off more is that neither one of his parents will care when I tell them about it. Its disturbing.
Monday, May 21, 2007
A long, short day.
Hello again, bloggers!
I am back to report that day two of my "Size 10 or die" lifestyle change is a success. I still have to go walking later, but once again Im waiting because my feet hurt like no ones business. I brought the same stuff to work today only I found myself not eating the banana and just munchin on cashews the whole day. It helped. My favorite part was coming home and not being starving, but hungry, and after choosing a dinner and letting it cook for a half an hour while I did the dishes, I didnt snack. I wasnt STARVING. lol I was hungry enough to know that I should eat something soon, but not hungry enough to eat everything in sight PLUS my meal you know? Its amazing...how stuff works.
Lately, I just keep thinking about life. LIFE. Working in the E.R. you see allot of stuff. Today a woman lost her mother, and she was crying so hard it was hard for me not to. To me and my co-workers, she was a patient, but to this woman she was so much more, whether they had a good relationship or a bad one, she was someone who was loved and going to be missed. It just strikes me that life is here to be lived and can be taken away from me at any time, and it wont have mattered how fat or skinny I was on earth. Sometimes I think Im chasing the wrong goals.
I purchased a book called "YOU ON A DIET." Now, usually, I hate these types of books. I feel like the easy way to lose weight is by eating a healthy diet and exercing(but I still feel that its easier said than done!) The reason I purchased this book is because the author is that guy, Dr Oz or something and he just has neat, interesting things to say about the body. I know how I get when I find out what something does to my body, I stop with that food.(Which is why I think I dont like to know, tee hee.) Its high time I find out what the crap I like to eat is doing internally. So after reading reviews on Amazon, I decided to buy it on Walmart.com and I should be getting it any day now. I'll let you know how it is.
Yesterday, while I was walking, I had so many revelations. One, about my food addiction. It was funny to, because I told myself, "Its JUST food." And that kind of helped and it made me chuckle.
My ring finger is the only thing on me that is a size 9 and that is a bad, bad thing. LOL. But I love it so much, and when I get to my goal, I plan on putting it on a necklace so that I can remember this part of my life.
Ok, Im going to go chill for awhile. :)
I am back to report that day two of my "Size 10 or die" lifestyle change is a success. I still have to go walking later, but once again Im waiting because my feet hurt like no ones business. I brought the same stuff to work today only I found myself not eating the banana and just munchin on cashews the whole day. It helped. My favorite part was coming home and not being starving, but hungry, and after choosing a dinner and letting it cook for a half an hour while I did the dishes, I didnt snack. I wasnt STARVING. lol I was hungry enough to know that I should eat something soon, but not hungry enough to eat everything in sight PLUS my meal you know? Its amazing...how stuff works.
Lately, I just keep thinking about life. LIFE. Working in the E.R. you see allot of stuff. Today a woman lost her mother, and she was crying so hard it was hard for me not to. To me and my co-workers, she was a patient, but to this woman she was so much more, whether they had a good relationship or a bad one, she was someone who was loved and going to be missed. It just strikes me that life is here to be lived and can be taken away from me at any time, and it wont have mattered how fat or skinny I was on earth. Sometimes I think Im chasing the wrong goals.
I purchased a book called "YOU ON A DIET." Now, usually, I hate these types of books. I feel like the easy way to lose weight is by eating a healthy diet and exercing(but I still feel that its easier said than done!) The reason I purchased this book is because the author is that guy, Dr Oz or something and he just has neat, interesting things to say about the body. I know how I get when I find out what something does to my body, I stop with that food.(Which is why I think I dont like to know, tee hee.) Its high time I find out what the crap I like to eat is doing internally. So after reading reviews on Amazon, I decided to buy it on Walmart.com and I should be getting it any day now. I'll let you know how it is.
Yesterday, while I was walking, I had so many revelations. One, about my food addiction. It was funny to, because I told myself, "Its JUST food." And that kind of helped and it made me chuckle.
My ring finger is the only thing on me that is a size 9 and that is a bad, bad thing. LOL. But I love it so much, and when I get to my goal, I plan on putting it on a necklace so that I can remember this part of my life.
Ok, Im going to go chill for awhile. :)
Sunday, May 20, 2007
My wish.
Hey all! I did really good today! I love days like these when my confidence is soaring and the day outside is so beautiful its like a reflection of how I am feeling ;)
Last night, I wrote a list of things I wanted to do every day. Number one was take my synthroid and then eat breakfast(there has to be an hour window between the two) Usually, I go to work and I eat nothing until I get home at 3 or so, well, those of you who diet constantly know, this is self sabotage because when you get home, you eat more in one sitting and its usually BAD! And I did do that, lol, well, I used to anyways! No more. So today, I packed snacks for myself all day. For breakfast, I enjoyed a delicious banana. Then I snacked on some whole wheat peanut butter bread(1 slice!) and then later some cashews. When I got home I had a bag of 100 calorie cheetos, a small bag, mind you and one slice of pizza. So I think Im done for the day. Next up is exercising. I plan on going walking, but I have GOT to let my feet rest as I was running my ass all around the E.R. today. So I plan to go around 6ish.
Size 10, here I come! I still dont know how to post pictures using my digital camera, dammit.
Last night, I wrote a list of things I wanted to do every day. Number one was take my synthroid and then eat breakfast(there has to be an hour window between the two) Usually, I go to work and I eat nothing until I get home at 3 or so, well, those of you who diet constantly know, this is self sabotage because when you get home, you eat more in one sitting and its usually BAD! And I did do that, lol, well, I used to anyways! No more. So today, I packed snacks for myself all day. For breakfast, I enjoyed a delicious banana. Then I snacked on some whole wheat peanut butter bread(1 slice!) and then later some cashews. When I got home I had a bag of 100 calorie cheetos, a small bag, mind you and one slice of pizza. So I think Im done for the day. Next up is exercising. I plan on going walking, but I have GOT to let my feet rest as I was running my ass all around the E.R. today. So I plan to go around 6ish.
Size 10, here I come! I still dont know how to post pictures using my digital camera, dammit.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Chasing cars.
The truth hurts. Really hurts. Yesterday I made my boyfriend take a picture of me in my bath towel and while I couldnt believe what my eyes saw, I COULD. But just because you are prepared for something to feel bad doesnt mean it hurts any less. I cannot believe I let myself go. Its very disappointing.
I have difficulties doing the most random things, things I used to be able to do, like putting pants on, tying my shoes and getting off the couch. I hate it. Yet, this misery seems to make me head straight to the refrigerator. Thank God I dont buy chips and dip anymore. That was a horrible snack.
But at least now...well, today I asked my boyfriend if he would join me in not eating fast food for a month. He thought about it for a second and then said he would do it. Now, I have no idea if HE will stick to it or not, but, I know I will because I do well when I have someone to answer to.
The job is going good. I already got moved up, but I dont start that position until June 4th. Thats exciting but Im really nervous. On the other hand, I have to remind myself, I never thought Id be able to handle the E.R. on my own and I do it, every day and I do it well. So I just have to give myself some time.
Guess what else? I went to Fashion Bug yesterday and got three things right, without trying them on first.(Big mistake!) And dont get me wrong, they fit, but I look so unattractive that I am not allowing myself to keep the clothes. I am taking them back tomorrow. I told myself that I cannot condone being this big, that it has to stop and buying cute clothes in my size isnt helping. So what did I do next? I went and bought these cute size 10 pants that I had been eyeing at the store lately(and for only $11) That was always my goal. To be a size 10. So its back to that goal. I want to be healthy. I want to make me proud of ME. I want to start writing even if nothing ever gets published, writing is something that I love to do and Im going to do it. Im going to take care of myself. This is my promise to me.
I will fit into those size 10 pants, dammit.
I have difficulties doing the most random things, things I used to be able to do, like putting pants on, tying my shoes and getting off the couch. I hate it. Yet, this misery seems to make me head straight to the refrigerator. Thank God I dont buy chips and dip anymore. That was a horrible snack.
But at least now...well, today I asked my boyfriend if he would join me in not eating fast food for a month. He thought about it for a second and then said he would do it. Now, I have no idea if HE will stick to it or not, but, I know I will because I do well when I have someone to answer to.
The job is going good. I already got moved up, but I dont start that position until June 4th. Thats exciting but Im really nervous. On the other hand, I have to remind myself, I never thought Id be able to handle the E.R. on my own and I do it, every day and I do it well. So I just have to give myself some time.
Guess what else? I went to Fashion Bug yesterday and got three things right, without trying them on first.(Big mistake!) And dont get me wrong, they fit, but I look so unattractive that I am not allowing myself to keep the clothes. I am taking them back tomorrow. I told myself that I cannot condone being this big, that it has to stop and buying cute clothes in my size isnt helping. So what did I do next? I went and bought these cute size 10 pants that I had been eyeing at the store lately(and for only $11) That was always my goal. To be a size 10. So its back to that goal. I want to be healthy. I want to make me proud of ME. I want to start writing even if nothing ever gets published, writing is something that I love to do and Im going to do it. Im going to take care of myself. This is my promise to me.
I will fit into those size 10 pants, dammit.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Confession: Discrimintation pisses me off.
I went into a store over here called Mervins and I was pissed off to find that they do not carry my current size, (18). They carried only up to 16 and for a moment I cringed at myself for no longer being able to fit the 14s and I got upset. Thats fine, I told myself, because Ive been doing well and hopefully soon I can buy the size 16s. Designers out there want you to purchase their high priced items, yet they cant even acknowledge that not everyone is a size 0. Thank God for ebay. I can purchase the high quality stuff for bargain prices.
Today is my first day off in a very long time. I got all my fabulous make up in the mail(brand new on ebay and all for under $10 and in the stores I would have paid about $70!) and I have been glamming it up. Today I feel all sherbety, I did my eye shadow in a light pink and then coated it with a darker pink. It looks HOT!! I sent my mom some very expensive roses for Mothers Day because I know back home my sister wont really be doing anything for her and well, my mom does allot for everyone so she deserves them.
Now Im off to clean the house really well. I need to do allot of laundry including towels, blankets and my clothes. Im debating whether I should just load up the car and take it all to the mat where I can get it done in under an hour or so versus staying here and just keep walking back and forth. Exercise is good but the washers and dryers are way small. I dont know.
I hope everyone out there is having a great Friday!
Today is my first day off in a very long time. I got all my fabulous make up in the mail(brand new on ebay and all for under $10 and in the stores I would have paid about $70!) and I have been glamming it up. Today I feel all sherbety, I did my eye shadow in a light pink and then coated it with a darker pink. It looks HOT!! I sent my mom some very expensive roses for Mothers Day because I know back home my sister wont really be doing anything for her and well, my mom does allot for everyone so she deserves them.
Now Im off to clean the house really well. I need to do allot of laundry including towels, blankets and my clothes. Im debating whether I should just load up the car and take it all to the mat where I can get it done in under an hour or so versus staying here and just keep walking back and forth. Exercise is good but the washers and dryers are way small. I dont know.
I hope everyone out there is having a great Friday!
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Confession: ?
Hi everyone! I can see no one has been leaving any comments which makes me think that no one has been reading, LOL Oh Well!
I just went and purchased a TON of strawberries, some pears and bananas! This way if I absolutely HAVE to eat after 7 I can have some healthy snacks. But mostly I bought them so I can snack throughout the day. I got my new Shape magazine last night and it was so interesting, Im SOOO glad that I subscribe to that magazine! I love the articles.
Anyways, work is good. Tomorrow is kind of like my Friday, because Im off Friday and Saturday LOL Its hectic though as the new girl isnt working out and her last day is Friday and that means Im back to HER job which I HATE WITH A PASSION!!! GRRRRRR!
I just went and purchased a TON of strawberries, some pears and bananas! This way if I absolutely HAVE to eat after 7 I can have some healthy snacks. But mostly I bought them so I can snack throughout the day. I got my new Shape magazine last night and it was so interesting, Im SOOO glad that I subscribe to that magazine! I love the articles.
Anyways, work is good. Tomorrow is kind of like my Friday, because Im off Friday and Saturday LOL Its hectic though as the new girl isnt working out and her last day is Friday and that means Im back to HER job which I HATE WITH A PASSION!!! GRRRRRR!
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Confession: I am starting to "get it."
Well, it wasnt until last night that I officially got it: Love my body. This doesnt mean to be conceited and skinny like no ones business, but to love my body, take care of it. Nurture it. I was in awe, why did it take me 25 years? Suddenly dieting seems so easy. Just treat my body the way that I want to be treated. It all comes down to that. Im so excited.
I am fat. I have stopped eating after 7pm. Today is day 3 of that. Im doing very well. My plan is to go for 7 days. And I cant believe how easy it is after a couple of days. The body gets used to it and I wake up energetic and ready for the world.
Everyones life is changing. Its weird how once you hit your 20s its suddenly like life is flying. You spend all of your childhood dreaming of adulthood, and then all of your adulthood dreaming about being a child again. Life was simple. I was told I was fat when I was a kid, but I was always running around being happy and fat that I didnt care. I only started caring when I was a teenager and then more and more people started pointing out my size. Anyways, yeah I feel like Im going to be 26 soon and then 30. I have no accomplished what I wanted. I wanted to have a book published, a job at a publishers company, and a house of my own with my own animals, possibly raising my sisters children. To be in love would be nice, but I am not the type to really fall apart without a man. Lonliness does not scare the eff out of me.
So the job is interesting. Im meeting nice friends finally and Im even going out Friday night. How on earth am I going to stay up late though? I dont drink. I love my sleep. Im going to stick out like a sore thumb though since the girls I work with are like....pretty. Oh well. Im pretty too. Fat does not ugly make. Teehee. I bought a poster board today to put up in my home gym. I rock.
The other day at work I had to escort a blind woman to the restroom. And silly me, I am like walking her to there right and I hear myself say, "Hold on, I'll turn on the light for you." I felt this big. Luckily she had a good sense of humor about it. Today some guy got bit by a baby rattlesnake. Poor guy. Poor snake. Poor everyone involved. They showed me the snake and I was like "Awwww!" The snake was dead though and Im sure the patient didnt like the fact that I was getting attached to the poor dead baby snake. And then people go into the ER for the weirdest things, things that have URGENT CARE written all over them. And Urgent care even has a lower copay too! Oh well.
Ok. Im off to re-do this blog some more. I miss all you bloggers! Keep in touch!
I am fat. I have stopped eating after 7pm. Today is day 3 of that. Im doing very well. My plan is to go for 7 days. And I cant believe how easy it is after a couple of days. The body gets used to it and I wake up energetic and ready for the world.
Everyones life is changing. Its weird how once you hit your 20s its suddenly like life is flying. You spend all of your childhood dreaming of adulthood, and then all of your adulthood dreaming about being a child again. Life was simple. I was told I was fat when I was a kid, but I was always running around being happy and fat that I didnt care. I only started caring when I was a teenager and then more and more people started pointing out my size. Anyways, yeah I feel like Im going to be 26 soon and then 30. I have no accomplished what I wanted. I wanted to have a book published, a job at a publishers company, and a house of my own with my own animals, possibly raising my sisters children. To be in love would be nice, but I am not the type to really fall apart without a man. Lonliness does not scare the eff out of me.
So the job is interesting. Im meeting nice friends finally and Im even going out Friday night. How on earth am I going to stay up late though? I dont drink. I love my sleep. Im going to stick out like a sore thumb though since the girls I work with are like....pretty. Oh well. Im pretty too. Fat does not ugly make. Teehee. I bought a poster board today to put up in my home gym. I rock.
The other day at work I had to escort a blind woman to the restroom. And silly me, I am like walking her to there right and I hear myself say, "Hold on, I'll turn on the light for you." I felt this big. Luckily she had a good sense of humor about it. Today some guy got bit by a baby rattlesnake. Poor guy. Poor snake. Poor everyone involved. They showed me the snake and I was like "Awwww!" The snake was dead though and Im sure the patient didnt like the fact that I was getting attached to the poor dead baby snake. And then people go into the ER for the weirdest things, things that have URGENT CARE written all over them. And Urgent care even has a lower copay too! Oh well.
Ok. Im off to re-do this blog some more. I miss all you bloggers! Keep in touch!
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