Freshening up.

So, it was confirmed yesterday that I do indeed have strep throat. I know this is horrible to say, but THANK GOD! I was in SO Much pain and to know that the pain had a name and a cure was just awesome to me. My doctor immediately called in some antibiotics to the pharmacy and I ran right over to pick it up, but they had called it into the wrong pharmacy which I was told, "happens all the time" and so I traveled to the next pharmacy and picked it up. I wont say it gave me immediate relief but man...Im doing better. I heard it best described as "swallowing broken glass." and I couldnt agree more. I cant decide if I am going to work tomorrow but my boss has yet to call me back. Ok I just called her again and she thinks I should be ok. I dont feel ok but oh well. I need the money.

So for the past two weeks, I have signed myself up with a counselor because I realized I need help. I wasnt going to but you know what, I have the insurance and I felt like I should do it "for all the people out there" who dont have insurance and cant afford to see a counselor. My mind feels mentally better day by day since seeing her, she is amazing and I cannot believe I got so lucky with clicking with someone on the first visit so that I felt comfortable enough to make another appointment. I had my last appointment yesterday and I just love her. She talks to me like I am a person, not a patient. I so appreciate her. I told her that as of right now, I do not want medication but I am afraid it may lean that way to do eventually because my mind doesnt rest even when Im exhausted lol but I want to just get my life together. I need a plan and she is going to help me with that. I feel more confident now that I am going to "get there" as soon as I figure out exactly where "there" is.

Ok so I have comcast cable and on demand and I watch the kids version of the Biggest Loser which still has Kim and the hot trainer guy, and those kids get out there and jog and Im like, if they can do it, why cant I? They just jog and live through the pain. No one wants to jog with me and I was going to let that just determine my whole jogging urge, but I need to be more independent. I have to stop worrying about what other people think. I mean, sometimes when I post and get no replies I get so discouraged from posting again and I realized today, that has to stop. I am not posting for anyone but myself. My only excuse for the not jogging is because I live in a somewhat, ok, very bad neighborhood. LOL I dont want to get shot or raped while I am jogging!!

Anyways, I have allot of head pain. So I am going to rest.

Sweeping up.

Im not where I want to be weight wise, but Im so excited for my golden birthday next month. 26! Wow! Im just so determined to not be negative on myself for being plus sized. Who cares, already!? Its partay time!

My boyfriend has lost 18 pounds in ONE month. This amazes me. He gets his butt up at 9 am every morning to do an hour workout on the elliptical, completely gave up fast food and sugars and snacks on healthy stuff. He was never really overweight but he didnt like how he looked so he took it upon himself and he looks good. THAT is motivation.

Ive been sick for the last week, with what feels like laryngitis and an ear infection but the doctor only gave me samples of allergy pills and told me to buy some nasal spray for the ear pain. Yep. Call it paranoia, but I bet if I had been some knockout girl in that office, I would have gotten top notch treatment and maybe taken a bit more seriously. I didnt dress up all that nice but I was feeling really crappy and didnt feel like doing my hair all nice and dressing all nice. I just wanted some meds and to go home and go to bed. Then the bitch at the pharmacy was rude to me as well. She told me not to take the saline stuff and I asked if there was anything she WOULD recommend and she just shrugged and said, "I dont know." I regret not telling her to go fuck herself. Fat people are people too, dammit.

Anyways, I went ahead and bought the saline stuff and I feel slightly better. Im off tomorrow and Saturday so thatll be a nice change of things. Thats the sucky part about working in the E.R., you tend to catch everyones germs. I can only sanitize things so many times through out the day, at one point, I am going to forget. But this one girl was filling out her paperwork and I saw her stick the pen EVERYONE uses(except me, I bring my own pens.) in her mouth. I was thinking, "Man, you just got sick with who knows what." And I can just see her being sick right now as I type this and wondering WHERE she got it from. I wonder if itll ever dawn on her that she stuck a pen infected with millions of germs in her mouth. I try to sanitize the pens for the patients but like I said, I can only do it so many times.

Ok all. Peace out.

Its weird, I come on here, start a blog, and then I get discouraged and erase it.

LOTS of shit going on, not really diet wise, although I do have some pet peeves there, so I'll get start with that stuff, since this is a weight loss blog(well, its supposed to be anyways!)

Ok I dont like get how if you were to go into a store and it was divided by race, this would be illegal, yes yes? Or if it wasnt illegal there would be SOMEONE trying to change this but yet, EVERY department store made in America sections of the fat people from the rest of the world. At Kohls, they dont even have a sign that says PLUS SIZED. Its just a picture of someone heavy set and its just so offensive the way all the other clothing is organized all nicely and the plus sized clothing is just thrown onto a rack as if to say,"Youre fat, so we owe you shit!" I just get so flustered and irratated. Why is it ok to be a druggie or an alchoholic or even a friggin child molester but God forbid you not be a size 2 and the the world kind of either shuns you or forgets about you entirely?

OK. Im done.

Hello lover.

I got Xflowsion today. Im eager to try it out but I worked the E.R. today and so my legs are w.e.a.k. Its going to kick my little dupa though, should be interesting :)

I worked the E.R. on I think...Monday night? And it sucked, a guy got shot in between the eyes, the chest, and his groin area. I felt soooo horrible for him, he was making sounds ones ears and soul doesnt forget. That was my first gun shot wound sighting and I must say, I hope I never see another one. The police think its gang related but my heart still went out to everyone he knew and loved and who knew and loved him. They kept him at our E.R. for awhile but eventually transferred him out to another hospital and he was given less than a .1% chance to live. I cannot forget the sound he was making though, like a loud moaning/wheezing sound. I never saw the E.R. as dark and packed as it was that night. Every doctor in the hospital was at his bedside, helping him to fight for his life, it was so bittersweetly beautiful. And he is MY age, MY age!! I just kept thinking, wow, even if he does live, he is fucked up forever. It would probably be better if he died. Isnt that awful? I know if it were ME, I'd want to die. The sad part is that there is going to be one retaliation after another now. It sucks. But still, he made someone the happiest person on earth the day he was born.

Ok. All of you go and get you that book, YOU: On a diet! Its great! I am eating breakfast every day, because it explains how your body works and why breakfast really IS so important. (Break the fast, your body has been fasting for 8 hours while you slept, now get up and feed it, so your metabolism can get moving!)

Ranting and raving.

Wow. I just worked off 300+ calories on my elliptical. I feel awesome. I love how mentally good I feel when I exercise. Plus, I had an egg for breakfast. Eggs and toast and apple juice to be exact but thats better than eggos with syrup and butter you know?

I just have a comment or two. You know before you begin a diet or any work out program they always tell you to consult a physician first? I think thats bullshiz because I dont know about you, but most physicians today are a-holes towards the people on the higher end of the scale. Its almost a waste of time to see a doctor at all because chances are you will get treated nasty by them and their staff and go home feeling like you DO need those chips and french onion dip after all. It makes me sick. The last doctor I went to had a smile on his mouth but sarcasm in his eyes. I didnt appreciate it at all. And he wanted to do a physical on me, but there is no way I would ever let a male doctor do a physical on me. The nicest and most intelligent doctor I've ever had was Dr Derosa in Canfield, Ohio. He was awesome. You have to get to know him a little but he doesnt come across as mocking or anything, he wants to help.

Also, people, get your thyroids checked. Always.

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I went walking at this one place called The Missions today. I usually love walking, but I was terrified to walk there because well, theres mountain lions and rattlesnakes there. The sights of them are rare and few but I know me and my luck and I would downright pee my pants if I ever saw either of them and my heart rate alone would kill me anyways, because I would be so terrified. I am not a nature girl. I wish I were, but unless I have my muscular dog with me, I am scared. On the bright side though, this park had horses, and donkey and sheep and bulls and pigs so I cant imagine that if it were really THAT unsafe with the mountain lion thing, that they would put these animals there.

My feet are so sore and its sad to realize that its because of my weight. But I had a nice moment with my body today. The missions has all these houses where you can see how monks lived and this one house had a very HUGE step and I stepped on it and then back down and then back up and then back again. At that moment, I was so appreciative of my entire being. Here I am, 200 some odd pounds, and my body was working its ass off to help me get up the step and down. It hasnt given up on me. Sometimes I think my mind does, but my body is yearning to keep me going. I whispered, "Thank you" to it and realized thats the kind of body loving I need. I cant always be saying, "I hate my body." when really, I should be hating the way I treat my body. I actually love my body!

I saw pictures of myself today and its a weird feeling, I looked really fat and I felt bad but it made me want some chips and dip. Teehee.

Also, I went ahead and ordered Xflowsion. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Xflowsion xplosion.

I know that salad dressing is really bad for you but I dont care. If Im going to give up my french fries and chicken fingers with honey bbq sauce, you better serve that salad up with some 1000 island dressing. Ive learned that if I cut my calories down enough, I can have this salad. MMM and I enjoy every minute of it. My aunt once lectured me on dressing and I usually listen to what she says but there is no way she could convince me to give that up. I'll give you my chips and dip and brownies but I cannot give you my 1000 island dressing topped pretty salad, ma'am.

I am currently researching the videos Xflowsion. They are quite pricey though. I mean, 3 "easy" installments on $19.95 plus S&H and thats about $50 on ebay as well. If any of you out there have tried them, please let me know. If not, maybe I can be the guinea pig for you as well. Tee hee. Its got a catchy informational section though, and all the celebs seem to swear by it(really how realistic is that? " Xflowsion is the only workout system with Triple Training whichcombines the perfect blend of an exciting styleof yoga, body-shredding martial arts, anduplifting freestyle dance. Xflowsion’s TripleTraining can deliver jaw-dropping results ina stunningly short amount of time,regardless of your fitness level."

Also, my boyfriend lost 6 pounds in 1 week!! He has been doing awesome. No fast food, and no processed foods, really, and exercising EvErY day! I am so proud of him. He let himself eat cornbread today, even though I was trying to talk him out of it, you know, as I chomped down on my oh so healthy salad. ;)

WARNING:This next part is kind of...graphic maybe? I dont know. If you get offended easily, stop reading here. Go take that hot bath and read that good novel youve been thinking about reading. Go horseback riding. Or go have some sex.

Ok...

I had the.best.sex.ever. tonight. No seriously. I was so self conscious, yet extremely free at the same time. It was kind of funny, because my boyfriend and I were just making out at first and I said, Ok, if we go further, I am going to be uninhibited...I am NOT going to be self conscious about my body. And then my pants started to come off and I realized I was wearing, well, Reader, I was wearing granny panties. There you have it, the only thing about me that is a size 10 right now is my granny panties and that does NOT make me feel sexy.(even though they are so cute and sooo comfy, but come on! Go to walmart and check out the size 10's, open a pack if you have to and tell me you wouldnt be embarrassed about it!) And its so embarrasing because to take the panties off, it causes a bit of delay which may or may not kill the mood, but the delay is that now if youre lying on your stomach, you have to somehow make your panties take the trip over your stomach to get them off of you. This brings a whole lot of unwanted attention to the stomach and thigh and of course the embarrassing panties area. It kind of made me chuckle a little bit, but then the kisses started going elsewhere and I could hear my thoughts racing in my head..."Enjoy it! Be happy you have a boyfriend that thinks youre beautiful no matter what..." and then the other half..."Oh this gut!" and "Ew, I have a zit! Does he notice that sound is actually my fat?"(Its a horrible sound, my fat stomach slapping against his! LOL) and then the, "If he DOES notice, does it turn him on? Ew, if it does, do I really want to be with someone like this?!" The sex was still great though, despite all the voices in my head. I can only wonder what HE was thinking though. LOL

Fat sex! This should be my number one motivation to lose weight. Be healthy.

Wow. Today is interesting. I work 3-11pm and this morning my phone was ringing at 625am. I honestly thought that it would be my job asking me to come in earlier, so being the dedicated worker that I am,(cough, cough) I ignored the phone. And I cant hear that well, so I didnt know who was on the machine but I kept having this nagging feeling to go and listen to the message. So I did and I am glad that I did because it was my MOTHER telling me that my FATHER had been robbed at gunpoint yesterday. That scared the crap outta me as I am very close to my dad and I cannot imagine my life without him, or actually, without any of my family, as Im sure you guys out there can relate. I also found myself to be a little angry, like who does this man with a gun think that he is, messing with MY dad?! My mom said he was ok and that a police report was filed, but its Cleveland, and shit like that is never taken seriously over there, I dont even know why they have police. Thats how it was when I lived in Youngstown, too, the cops get pissed when you waste their time. Ugh, it makes me sick, because I used to think of cops as heros. Anyways, Im off the subject. Anyways, this guy put a gun to the back of my dads neck and kept saying that he was going to kill him. My dad is a short, hispanic man, but I dont think he fears anything. He is the type of person who just deals with stuff as life hands it to him. But all he had was $20 that his job gives him per day and there was no way that he was giving that up. This guy made the mistake of hitting my dad in the back of the head which pissed my dad off enough for him to turn around and start fighting with the guy, cursing back and forth. My dad told him, "F--k you, Im not giving you anything." and in short, my dad is safe and sound at home and the perp is out there walking the streets, as usual. My dad said what probably helped is that the kitchen door to the school was open and he was able to run in there and there were PEOPLE there so the perp left and everyone searched everywhere but no luck.(Oh yeah, in case youre wondering, my dad is a truck driver. He drives school lunches to schools every day and his days often start at 3am and he doesnt get home until about 4pm and he travels to at least Cleveland if not further. But he likes what he does, or at least it gets the bills paid, so he does it every day with no complaints. :) ) And then the police told my dad that he should have just given him the money. Im glad my dad is safe, but I do think its funny that he wasnt giving up his $20.

Ok, now that Im done with the depressing shit, Im going to work out before I go to work. Today is weight training day. I went and bought stuff last night for a salad. I hope to take a grilled chicken one to work today.

Warning: Curse words in this entry!

Hey thanks to EVERYONE for your comments, I was having the worst day in a long time today and I almost didnt even stop in but I am glad that I did. And you all make such great points and give me new ways to look at things. So thank you very much.

My heart feels broken and I dont really understand why. I can only blame it being that time of the month, and its hormonal. But I found out today that a job I applied for so long ago is royally screwed and it has made me numb but yet is making me feel pukey as well. I passed the written part of the test with flying colors, then I went back and took the polygraph test and passed that and then I had to pass the damn background investigation. Well, in a background investigation they check your credit history and I was honest about my credit from day one. I am not proud of it and I am working hard to restore it and was working with a background investigator that I thought would help me the best that she could. I was writing to the creditors and making disputes and I would forward it to her to show her that I was making effort to correct this situation. And forgive me, but I dont understand why shit that I did years and years ago reflects on what kind of a WORKER I am, but anyways, she went on maternity leave and my case(along with many, many others.) were forwarded on to another investigator who today informed me that she doesnt have all that much information on my case but based on the information that HE had, he isnt going to move forward and wants me to pull myself out and start from scratch next year. I am sooo pissed. I have been WAITING for this and thought I was doing well and that I actually HAD A CHANCE and I dont and it just pisses me off that 3 months spent waiting, my paperwork was just sitting there, doing nothing, just taking up space. I was seriously considering legal action but I dont even think I have a case. I dont do drugs, Ive never killed anyone, Ive had ONE ticket my entire life and it was for not wearing a fucking seatbelt. Why does stuff I did so long ago even matter? I needed this job in the worst way.

Ok. Im going to do the elliptical for awhile. I need some endorphins. :)
Update: Exercise definitely helped. I think Ill start exercising solely for my minds sake. Everything else will just be an added bonus. :)