Best wishes, Monica!

Ho hum. Its 10:43 pm. My boyfriend is sound asleep, all snuggled up in the bed so that he can get up at the crack of dawn and head off to work. Me? Im up, and am trying like heck to avoid the kitchen. So I started painting a picture frame. I have to admit, I drank Capri Sun while painting but that is far better than eating chips and salsa or chips and dip which my body is craving for right now. Its rare that I have anything but water and Capri Sun brings back memories for me, so I sip away. But I swear, even as the kitchen is waaaay on the other side of the house, I can hear the frozen tater tots calling my name. I actually went and got them out and was putting them on the pan and I could hear the skinny wannabe side of me going, Dont do it, girl. Youre going to regret it in the morning. So I put them back. Yep, Reader, I put them back and I was so proud that I almost skipped to the computer to share it all with you this major step. I didnt because after I got done painting a wee bit, I still found myself lurking around the kitchen. Have no fear, because I have yet to binge tonight. Good for me.

When my boyfriend was on the graveyard shift, he would leave by nine o clock every night. It was weird, because I hated to see him go but at the same time, a part of me was counting down until his truck pulled out of the apartment gate and he was on his merrily way. I feel like such a hypocrite, too, now writing this, but when he would be leaving, I would be dressed like I was going to bed. I mean, decked out in a robe or whatever. But as soon as he was gone, the robe was off, the fat pants were on, and then the wide width shoes, keys in hand and I was out the door, to the nearest opened location to buy chips and dip. And sometimes, a microwave pizza. I knew this would be gone by the time he came home the next morning, all the "evidence" stuffed into a plastic bag and already in the trash bin just outside our apartment. He'd never suspect a thing, Id tell myself. Honestly, I wish he had. I knew I was going to be hitting rock bottom, and I needed help and I do better with gentle confrontation. I remember now how those store clerks used to look at me...with a look of pity and disgust. Poor fat girl. No one to love her, no one but this here bag of chips(Lays, the wavy kind, you know in the red bag that taunt you with that "20% more!" claim) and two containers of dip.(the dip by itself totaled 110 grams of fat!) I hated that look, it always made me want to cry, and scream at them but make them understand how lonely I was/am. But they didnt care, and I guess, neither did I. Just ring me up and I'll go home and read my Fitness magazine now, thank you.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I constantly ask myself, How did I get here? When was that moment that I stopped caring about myself, that exact moment that I couldnt control, ok maybe didnt want to control what I was putting in my mouth? When did food start tasting better than life? I cannot pinpoint any moment, and I guess, even if I could, I cannot change anything in the past. Id still be where I am today, fat and unsatisfied and sitting in the computer chair, writing about it.


I used to think that I feared death. Lately, I am beginning to realize that I do not fear death, not really, but I fear dying fat. I fear what the obitiuaries will say,(Obese woman dies while working out!) what will people say("She always had SUCH a pretty face!")...I fear that even on my deathbed, all people are going to talk about is how fat I look in my coffin. Isnt that horrible or worse, vain? A part of me wants to laugh, though, because I can just picture my relatives burying me in something black so that I'll look more slim :) Theyll probably ask the mortitioner if he can put me on the South Beach diet to get the bloated look off my face. Sigh.


Too much depressing crap, huh!? Ok, well my boyfriend and I went walking for 2 miles today! Hey, thats allot for a girl who can barely move her left leg because I went ape shit on the elliptical machine the other day! I am going to try to go walking first thing in the morning and then again later at night tomorrow....I can do this, I know it.


This is a picture of a cake(MMMMM cake! It was the yummiest cake ever too!) My parents got it for me before I moved to California but I wanted to put it up for myself now as some sort of expression of good will!

Late night blogging vs late night binging.

Obviously, if you ever have to choose between blogging and binging, you should choose the blogging. A lesson I learned very well tonight when I foolishly chose binging(on tortilla chips and nacho cheese, for crying out loud!) Its weird too. The way I secretly eat. I waited for my boyfriend to go to bed and got up and quietly opened the bag of chips and the container of Tostitos salsa con Queso...I mean, it was like I was committing a crime! I felt so guilty the whole time too, I dont know why I do it to that extreme.

When I was a kid, whenever I would sit down to eat, somebody would always make mean comments to me, like, Do you really need that? or Arent you fat enough? (and it was usually my family.) So maybe thats why I eat in a hurry and in private? To eat a peaceful "meal"? I swear, my heart is racing the whole time Im eating whatever it is I know I shouldnt be eating, like any minute now my mother is going to bust through my front door and condemn me to all hell. It scares the crap outta me, but all the while, Im still shoveling that food down my throat. I know this has to change. My affair with food cannot go on forever. Its like having that one significant other...you know they are not good for you, but you cannot let it go. Its like it feels so good to be sooo bad. I used to think, Ha, I would never let a man treat me like I am nothing. But you know what, I realize now, I treat myself like I am nothing. Really, I should be having my own back. My body is mine forever, and I should take care of it. Why is it so much easier said than done? I know to eat healthy but my body craves the unhealthiest foods, or maybe my mind does. I cant decide anymore. I was trying so hard to get away from chips and dip that I got myself addicted to more crap. Cigarette smokers have the nicotene patch. Where are our weight loss patches? How about it, already, science?

The one thing that is nice about being fat is that you see people for who they really are. When youre thin and sporting the model look, everyone kisses your ass(it seems like that to me anyways) But when youre fat, the [few]people who are nice to you are usually the genuinely good hearted people. The people who treat you like you are nothing or worse yet, refuse to even acknowledge your existence, those are the people who are counterfeit. My boyfriend has been with me for 4+ years, and I love him for it. He met me when I was fat, stayed with me while I --and my weight--fluctuated, and everyday that we are together, he is telling me that I am beautiful, that he loves me and all that good stuff. I know I got lucky with him. He is good people. I am thankful for that. I always thought that when I found a nice man, Id drop the weight but it hasnt happened, permanently, anyways. Which means something is still missing.

Its funny. When I moved to California, like I mentioned in an earlier post, I was on my way to thin. I was loving life. People seemed to like me more. My own family seemed more accepting of me, there was no more throwing it up in my face that I was fat, because even though I was still chunky, I wasnt as big as I had been(or as big as I am now.) I was close to my cousin always though, she has loved me through the roughest patches in my life, fat or thin, it never mattered. I had an aunt that was working with me, who helped me whip into shape. I felt close to her, but now that I have gained this weight, she is the first person that I have fought to keep this horrible secret from. I dont know what she will do, but I hate the idea of disappointing her, or anyone for that matter, but her because she brought me so far and then I bounced back. Its hard keeping this a secret but when I confessed to my cousin, she was ok with it. Not thrilled but not horrified either. She is one of two people who know this awful secret. (and now all of you guys, lol)

So, its 3:40 am. I should sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I am hoping my leg will heal up so I can get back to exercising. If you guys have any tips as to how to ward off binges, please let me know, it would be so helpful!

Oh yeah---I went to the animal shelter today determined to get a kitty, and I saw one and fell in love with him, and guess what his name is? MOO!! Even the animals are trying to tell me something!!!

I dont always have a title.

Hello, people.

I didnt write yesterday, I forgot and by the time I remembered it was already a new day. But Im writing now and thats whats important.

I didnt eat in the best manner today. I am starting to notice how some foods make me sick, but I eat them anyways. Why do I do this? I really have no idea. I just do it. Boredom, depression, or maybe a bit of both.

My cousin is coming to visit. Thats going to be fun, because I havent had a friend in about 9 months, so its been kind of lonely. I will be very happy to see her and I have confessed to her my weight gain, which released such a burden. I mean, when I moved to California I was safely 180 pounds, which was still heavy but now I am 237 pounds. Thats a big difference.

And how about the other night I exercised, right. Then I get done, and I could barely walk. It was like I was being punished for trying. I had the resistance on 1 and then 3 and then 5 and my legs felt like they were going to fall the eff off. Unbelievable. So I havent worked out since, and Im disappointed by that. But now I know the next time I do(which I am planning on being tomorrow.) I will only take the resistance up to 3. Anything higher than that for right now is pushing it. I took some ibuprofen so hopefully that will help. I really want to do this. Ive noticed when I exercise, I am more motivated to eat healthier. Make sense?

I hope these blogs get more interesting. LOL I usually am a lively person, but I am crawling out of this mess I have made. Its going to take time, but what else have I got?

Exposed.

These pictures were very hard for me to post. Almost like posting naked ones. But the truth is, I need to see these on a daily basis, and since I plan on being on here on a daily basis, I thought Id post them. Ive always been told that I have such a pretty face, if only I could lose all that weight. Ive been told that since I was five years old. I dont think Im hideous, but you know what, I feel hideous. Its amazing what being fat can make you feel like, almost as if you are not even a person. I refuse to say I hate myself anymore, because looking at this picture, I dont. People may not like me for being fat, but I look at this picture and think, Hey Im still me. Im still the girl who loves to laugh and play around, who wants to get a cat, who wants to write a book or two someday. Im the same but Im different. I am not looking to change all of me, just some of me. Ok, next picture.

This one isnt my favorite.(Like any of them are, lol.) I usually drink only water(the healthiest habit I have.) and as you can see I have a mountain dew in my hand, and I am not happy about it. This is the face I make when I drink something other than water. Nobody likes a double chin, which is what Im sporting here. Almost looks like I have two smiles.

And finally, last but not least....I LOVE QUESADILLAS!! Especially chicken ones, and they are the only thing that I know how to cook! LOL Ok, so these arent the most revealing pictures*You can thank me later* but to me they are a big deal. And thats actually another reason I want to lose weight. I am constantly hiding from the camera. I have found pictures of me and have torn them up because I have been so disguested and devastated by them. Now I realize, that if something were to happen to me, my family deserves pictures to remember me by. So Im going to start taking more. Fat or not, I deserve to be remembered!

The Oscars, painting and not binging!

I was saddened that the wonderful Kate Winslet did not win tonight. Oh well, she has been lucky enough to get nominated as many times as she has, that shows she does possess the talent! One of these days, Kate, one of these days. I love Kate Winslet also because she is one of those actresses who just doesnt give a shit about what they weigh, she tries to be healthy and in return, her body loves her for it. Its awesome and inspiring. I put this picture on here, because its one of the most beautiful photographs of her. And Cameron Diaz is looking great, too!

I have realized that I have a new hobby that I can do whenever I am feeling like I need a binge. Its painting. I paint picture frames. Not the nicest ones, either, but it soothes me and takes me out of this world because I am concentrating on making it the best that I can. Maybe I'll put some posts up. I am quite proud of them. I can tell not many other people feel the same way because my boyfriends buddy came over the other day and he stared at them and then said, Its good to have a hobby. I laughed so hard. It didnt hurt my feelings, in fact, its one of the rare occasions that I dont care what people think about them, I am just so flabbergasted that I created these things I love. Its awesome.

A big shout out to Pasta Queen, who has reached her half weight. That girl is amazing, dude and she inspired me and so many others!

38 pounds to go. My ultimate weight goal is 150. So in total I have 88 pounds to lose. Yuckola. But I can do it.

I hope to post some pictures soon.

Confession: I need to lose weight...and for it not to find me anymore.

Why do I want to lose weight?

I have asked myself this question for the last 25 years and all the while I have been going up and down on the scale. I used to want to lose weight so my family would quit making fun of me, but that didnt work. Then I wanted to lose weight so my school crush would like me back, but, this wouldnt work either, as I would fantasize about him while reading girly magazines and eating hostess snack cakes. It seems like I want to lose weight so that people will like me, be more accepting of me, want to be my friend. I guess being fat makes me feel worthless.
I have always wanted to lose weight for myself, dont get me wrong, but never up until now has it been because I just wanted to be healthy. I dont think that I care about the scale anymore, I mean, I do, and obviously I'll have to care about it until I reach my healthy weight of 150 which may take about a year and after that I am going to work very hard at maintaining my weight. I know now that I will never be 120 pounds, as my body is not meant to be that little.
Honestly, I just want this body vs food battle to be over. I want my body and I to have a truce now. I have put it through so much turmoil with my food choices, and the truth is, I am grateful that it has allowed me to maintain its function at the rate it has.

What am I going to do differently this time around?

It sounds silly, but this time around, I am going to blog more. I find writing about my current struggles and current accomplishments gets me even more motivated. I also am going to watch my sugar and carb intake. I wish there was a way to attach a food journal on here. I need to exercise 60 minutes a day. *cardio* and weight train at least 3 times a week. I have a very positive mentality right now that I am going to do this. I think it has to do a great deal with confessing to a loved one that I havent seen in awhile that I have gained my weight back. It was a very big burden to carry it to myself all the time, and she was very supportive and loving about it. So I think what I also need to do is confess when I mess up.


What do I expect will change as a result of my weight loss?

Judging how I used to feel during skinny years,(maybe skinny is the wrong word, as Ive never been stick thin but I was thinner, definitely.) I was always more confident in myself. I felt very happy with life in general. I long for that confidence again. But this time, I am determined to keep it.

Something to keep me motivated:

I really want a digital camera. I will not allow myself to buy one until I am at 199 on that scale. Also, really cute outfits and finally getting out of the plus sized section!