Untitled.

Wow, it feels like forever since I have been on here. FOR-EV-ER.

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, "Wow, youre just so pretty, if only you werent fat?" I find myself doing that more and more often. Its funny but sad at the same time. Last night at work, we were watching Americas Next Top Model and one of the girls I work with was talking about the plus sized models, and she brought up a good point, something I rarely ever hear a skinny girl say, and that was, "Its ok to be plus sized, but you have to have confidence in yourself." I was like, Wow, she is so right. Me? I have no confidence in myself. I did for awhile there, and then I fell apart, again.

This job is nice, but the gas is killing me. Its $3.35 per gallon and my job is an hour away, so its like $20 every other day for me. Its basically taking all of my money, dammit. And its like I dont want to quit because its a good company but really, there will be no advancing you know? I never should have taken it. Its only part time but its really not even worth the part time.

Ok, update. I finally told my mom about my weight gain today. I didnt tell her to the extent as I did not want to cause worry or anything but I told her. Actually, she asked me how my weight was, and I said, Horrible and she said she doubted it. Then I said, No I've gained allot and its why I wont come home. She said, "Who cares!" LOL That kind of made me feel better. I feel like I gave California a chance but home is where the heart is you know? We'll see. As for the job, Im pretty much not going back. I was on my way in today and the gas was on E and my heart started beating so fast that I needed MORE gas again and tomorrow was going to be the same thing. That would have been $100 in gas this week ALONE. I looked into public transportation but the thing is, that only runs during the day and Id be mostly working at night. I feel sooo horrible about accepting the job, Ive wasted everyones time. I wish there was something I could do but theres nothing.