Confession: I need to lose weight...and for it not to find me anymore.

Why do I want to lose weight?

I have asked myself this question for the last 25 years and all the while I have been going up and down on the scale. I used to want to lose weight so my family would quit making fun of me, but that didnt work. Then I wanted to lose weight so my school crush would like me back, but, this wouldnt work either, as I would fantasize about him while reading girly magazines and eating hostess snack cakes. It seems like I want to lose weight so that people will like me, be more accepting of me, want to be my friend. I guess being fat makes me feel worthless.
I have always wanted to lose weight for myself, dont get me wrong, but never up until now has it been because I just wanted to be healthy. I dont think that I care about the scale anymore, I mean, I do, and obviously I'll have to care about it until I reach my healthy weight of 150 which may take about a year and after that I am going to work very hard at maintaining my weight. I know now that I will never be 120 pounds, as my body is not meant to be that little.
Honestly, I just want this body vs food battle to be over. I want my body and I to have a truce now. I have put it through so much turmoil with my food choices, and the truth is, I am grateful that it has allowed me to maintain its function at the rate it has.

What am I going to do differently this time around?

It sounds silly, but this time around, I am going to blog more. I find writing about my current struggles and current accomplishments gets me even more motivated. I also am going to watch my sugar and carb intake. I wish there was a way to attach a food journal on here. I need to exercise 60 minutes a day. *cardio* and weight train at least 3 times a week. I have a very positive mentality right now that I am going to do this. I think it has to do a great deal with confessing to a loved one that I havent seen in awhile that I have gained my weight back. It was a very big burden to carry it to myself all the time, and she was very supportive and loving about it. So I think what I also need to do is confess when I mess up.


What do I expect will change as a result of my weight loss?

Judging how I used to feel during skinny years,(maybe skinny is the wrong word, as Ive never been stick thin but I was thinner, definitely.) I was always more confident in myself. I felt very happy with life in general. I long for that confidence again. But this time, I am determined to keep it.

Something to keep me motivated:

I really want a digital camera. I will not allow myself to buy one until I am at 199 on that scale. Also, really cute outfits and finally getting out of the plus sized section!