Obviously, if you ever have to choose between blogging and binging, you should choose the blogging. A lesson I learned very well tonight when I foolishly chose binging(on tortilla chips and nacho cheese, for crying out loud!) Its weird too. The way I secretly eat. I waited for my boyfriend to go to bed and got up and quietly opened the bag of chips and the container of Tostitos salsa con Queso...I mean, it was like I was committing a crime! I felt so guilty the whole time too, I dont know why I do it to that extreme.
When I was a kid, whenever I would sit down to eat, somebody would always make mean comments to me, like, Do you really need that? or Arent you fat enough? (and it was usually my family.) So maybe thats why I eat in a hurry and in private? To eat a peaceful "meal"? I swear, my heart is racing the whole time Im eating whatever it is I know I shouldnt be eating, like any minute now my mother is going to bust through my front door and condemn me to all hell. It scares the crap outta me, but all the while, Im still shoveling that food down my throat. I know this has to change. My affair with food cannot go on forever. Its like having that one significant other...you know they are not good for you, but you cannot let it go. Its like it feels so good to be sooo bad. I used to think, Ha, I would never let a man treat me like I am nothing. But you know what, I realize now, I treat myself like I am nothing. Really, I should be having my own back. My body is mine forever, and I should take care of it. Why is it so much easier said than done? I know to eat healthy but my body craves the unhealthiest foods, or maybe my mind does. I cant decide anymore. I was trying so hard to get away from chips and dip that I got myself addicted to more crap. Cigarette smokers have the nicotene patch. Where are our weight loss patches? How about it, already, science?
The one thing that is nice about being fat is that you see people for who they really are. When youre thin and sporting the model look, everyone kisses your ass(it seems like that to me anyways) But when youre fat, the [few]people who are nice to you are usually the genuinely good hearted people. The people who treat you like you are nothing or worse yet, refuse to even acknowledge your existence, those are the people who are counterfeit. My boyfriend has been with me for 4+ years, and I love him for it. He met me when I was fat, stayed with me while I --and my weight--fluctuated, and everyday that we are together, he is telling me that I am beautiful, that he loves me and all that good stuff. I know I got lucky with him. He is good people. I am thankful for that. I always thought that when I found a nice man, Id drop the weight but it hasnt happened, permanently, anyways. Which means something is still missing.
Its funny. When I moved to California, like I mentioned in an earlier post, I was on my way to thin. I was loving life. People seemed to like me more. My own family seemed more accepting of me, there was no more throwing it up in my face that I was fat, because even though I was still chunky, I wasnt as big as I had been(or as big as I am now.) I was close to my cousin always though, she has loved me through the roughest patches in my life, fat or thin, it never mattered. I had an aunt that was working with me, who helped me whip into shape. I felt close to her, but now that I have gained this weight, she is the first person that I have fought to keep this horrible secret from. I dont know what she will do, but I hate the idea of disappointing her, or anyone for that matter, but her because she brought me so far and then I bounced back. Its hard keeping this a secret but when I confessed to my cousin, she was ok with it. Not thrilled but not horrified either. She is one of two people who know this awful secret. (and now all of you guys, lol)
So, its 3:40 am. I should sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I am hoping my leg will heal up so I can get back to exercising. If you guys have any tips as to how to ward off binges, please let me know, it would be so helpful!
Oh yeah---I went to the animal shelter today determined to get a kitty, and I saw one and fell in love with him, and guess what his name is? MOO!! Even the animals are trying to tell me something!!!
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3 comments:
Just wanted you to know that I too have felt that guilt associated with the binge. I have found myself wishing that my DH would go "downstairs" so I could eat something out of his presence. I'm optimistic that this can be changed.
After I read your comment on my blog, I came to visit yours. I know EXACTLY what you mean about binging in secret! I'll be rooting for you to do this!!
I think you've really touched on something we can all relate to with this topic. Been there, done that! I love your honesty in your writing. Thanks for sharing it (and thanks for stopping by my blog). Just remember: you're not alone on this journey; there are lots of us out there who are going through similar things!
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